Hearing the voices finally loosen their grip

DX'd - Other
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There is this one voice I only hear on occasion when the others are weak. It takes being in a very solid and calm mind to not feed the voices. You can tell they struggle when your not feeding into them. When I do listen I end up predicting and then finalizing the things they say. I really don’t like any of it. It’s so negative and ■■■■■■■ terrible. Really sexual. Not in any graphic way just suggestive, yeah I’m really glad they don’t guide my thoughts anymore. I’ve always been good to keep it clean, but I do have an imagination and I can see whatever I want in there. I try not to use it.
I think I used to have a lot of imagery in my thoughts. Random dreamlike images of crazy ■■■■. Don’t really miss it.

Anyways the voices are pulsating. Loud for a sec then quiet. Loud for a second. It’s the sound of pure desperate anger. It’s weird. They just don’t stop, they have a problem with me and won’t stop until I’m dead. Maybe it is them who want to die. But they are saying less and less. Brief glimpses of silence. I’m finally coming to peace with myself. Still a little paranoid about handling the future, but I always get a little paranoid at night. There is less to distract me.

I think I I might naturally be starting to imagine and feel like telepathy is not real. I haven’t thought about for at least 20 minutes, which is good for me.

Well the voices have lost, I’m going to live, no one wants me to die. I feel confident in that now. Didn’t really know when this all first set in.

The whole psychosis thing is still fishy to me. It all amounts to a conspiracy theory in my mind. Most of those I quit believing in over the last couple years. Maybe that will happen with this too.

Telepathic cover up. They’re trying to kill of the thought broadcasters because they don’t want to hear it anymore.
Either by suicide or making them gay. They want these genetic lines to be weeded out.
Either that or they are telepaths and they are assholes. This is the kind of bs that’s in my mind.

Really it’s not even interesting anymore, I don’t even want to know I just want my life to get back to normal. Still think that’s a long ways off, but at least I feel good about myself and my cognition is back. Kind of how I define myself, by my ability to think. It was terrible being strangled by the voices and confused by the telepathy developed a real internal battle that took a while to sort out.

That ■■■■ still happens a little bit but I don’t dwell on it and encourage myself to focus on other things. Which is why I’m writing this out. I don’t really care if anyone reads this one.

Sometimes I do care though. I try to start up some conversation. For entertainment and to get to know you all a little better.

Voices are even quieter now. I can almost imagine them leaving, but I know as soon as I stop typing they’ll rebound and get stirred up again.

I plan on laying here in total darkness and silence for a couple more hours before I pass out. The whole time I’ll be focusing on letting go of the voices and search for a way to quell their spirits and intentions of anger.

Don’t really know if I should treat them as beings or just noise. But they do seem to have a tone. They certainly aren’t intelligent though. Really I wish I could go back and see how they formed. Wait it’s all coming back to me.

The voice of the coworker when I was high that went away

The voice of the girl I was crushing on, stayed with me until I tried to kiss her( fucking dumbest shit I ever did)
Then the voices of my family about a week later.

Then the hospital visit and the narration of ww3.

The telepathy was a continuous thing at this point.

Got out of the hospital and went back a month later. These issues were mainly due to the telepathy. People telling me they are gonna rape me and ■■■■.

The voices I’ve had now came in about a year and a half ago when I was taking classes. I could hear this faint but constant sound of this agitated voice it almost sounded like it was dying. Can remember if it was everyday, I want to say it was just between classes and stuff. People were sending me telepathic messages the whole time. I was always searching for other people that seed to be in my situation. I thought that becoming telepathic was a process and everyone was at different points along the trail.

I remember thinking that it was the smartest people who were telepathically thinking for everyone else.

For a while i was getting the visual hallucination of gps arrows over imposed on sidewalks and ■■■■ pointing me to where I wanted to go.

At that point I was either supposed to learn how to not think and trust the thoughts and info being fed to me or smarten out ascend in the telepathic ranks and eventually start thinking for other people.

■■■■■■■ head games. I thought my teachers were simultaneously staring through all of the students in the class watching them all learn in their minds.

Risky business digging all this up. Might lead to a few delusions.

Crazy ■■■■, I did well to block most of those memories out.

Voices are almost silent right now.

Crazy crazy crazy. I can’t believe how much stuff I did in that first year while still highly psychotic. Gotta 4.0 only time in my life, saved 2 grand working for dominos for like 4 months. Maybe invega was a good drug. I really thought my future depended on it in both those cases. School was all I had left, used to be really worried about fitting in as a thought broadcaster, like I’d never be able to get a job and stuff. I’ve had two jobs since then.

God it was so annoying to hear all that telepathic stuff. It used to be different every day, but all that’s boiled down to really simple and predictable framework of judgemental statements.

I’m still pretty upset I had to go through all that and it’s not even real? I mean ■■■■ really there is absolutely no point to it. To struggle that hard.

Anyway. It has boiled down to a very systematic and repetitive psychotic structure now. Same voices, same time of day, same telepathic statements.

■■■■ I guess I have come a long way. I’m totally ■■■■■■■ different now then I ever have been.
I really get the feeling the voices are going to go away pretty soon. I’m not even excited about it. It’s just like finally I can sense them losing their grip.

Right well this is long enough as it is. Gotta leave it to be somewhat digestible.

Really interesting to think back on that first year and all the crazy ■■■■ that happened. It’s only been two years but it feels like a lifetime.

I’ve been reborn, I’m in my second infancy. The sign that I’ve grown up will be when I’m over this ■■■■■■■ illness. Or have it managed.
I know I’ll always be able to hallucinate at will, unless at some point I forget how it works.

Voices are almost gone. So quiet I hope they go away.

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Really, it’s been a real trip. Had voices telling me to kill myself the whole time. I think when you first become psychotic you sort of wake up a part of your brain and it starts ■■■■■■■ with you. I remember the delusions of being a Christ/ antichrist figure. If I killed myself the world would be saved. They were telling me to break the mirror in the bathroom and try to slit my throat again. You only gotta try that ■■■■ one to realize how tough is it is. Real mans way to go. Gotta be painful as hell. I only really got like less then a sixteenth of an inch deep, before the girl I was with pryed the knife out of my hands and called the ambulance. So when the suggested me trying that again I was like well ■■■■ that guess I’m the anti Christ.

Man completely ■■■■■■■ crazy, why can I remember it so clearly all the sudden.

Apparently heaven and hell are right next to each other and there is gate. Apparently I was destined to open it. At this point the perspective was that most everybody had came back from hell and were so happy with the simplest things because they weren’t being tortured. They knew when they died they’d go back to hell so they were making the best of it. They still wanted me to open the gate so heaven could be invaded then everyone would have period of suffering in hell and returning to life on the earth or something like that, clearly doesn’t make any sense now.

Thought the head nurse dude on the wing was the devil incarnate.

■■■■■■■ head games.

It’s really strange how compartmentalized and segmented the psychosis was. Went from that religious stuff, to the telepathy stuff, to this phase I’m in which doesn’t really have any prominent features.

I don’t know what it would be like if I had to go through all of that again, part of me wants to say it couldn’t happen, that I’ve gotten wiser in my thinking. That there is no room for bs anymore.

I’ve established what I believe to be the reality of things to me. It cuts out a lot of those psychotic possibilities. I mean I might entertain them for a few minutes, but I could no longer accept them as realities.

People don’t reincarnate, there is no hell, people don’t think for each other.

Still wonder where the voices come from and what they are. Still get the feeling these people are telepathic or I’m a thought broadcaster.

There is a lot of evidence against that.

If they are telepaths, it more pisses me off that we don’t live in a better world. That kind of ■■■■ could prevent evil. Why they would just choose to ■■■■ with a guy who at one point thought sexuality was a choice.

I just barely have a place in this world, I couldn’t imagine being happy with it if it were any other way. I do see ways to make it better, but really it comes down to people in my life and location. I’m exactly where I want to be.

The world can be an evil place if you imagine that it is. It can be a good place if you believe it is. Be careful though because the reality is it is indifferent to you, your needs, and your suffering.

Minds kind of starting to run blank.

It kind of takes the being at the keyboard but my cognition is coming back to me. I can finally tell the story of what I went through now, the details just keep coming, maybe I’ll remember more of my life from before the onset. I feel very disconnected from it.

I can’t recall a single conversation I’ve ever had, but I can remember a lot of these telepathic hallucinations, goes to show where my priorities have been.

Not having memory will ■■■■ with the way you think.

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Thank you for sharing your story man,

I can see little snippets of your psychosis i can relate with,

I think your undergoing some healing psychologically. It looks like your getting a handle on it. Deconstructing all the psychosis experience is a huge part of this battle into getting towards some recovery.

its taken me a few years to deconstruct my mayhem and im still working on it, i used to be so bitter and angry about it, just could never believe such a thing could happen to me. but it did happen and thats life. i still struggle with it trying to cover it up with this and that. but im working on it.

going through this ■■■■ is like a complete shattering of ones world and beliefs.

when it shatters we pretty much go into protection mode. then we have to slowly deconstruct and try to figure out how to become logical and rational. breaking away from the trauma even if we have to think about the pain from it to learn from it. learning what we want and dont want in this life.

I think your making good progress man. your gonna make it through this bull ■■■■ and come out on top.

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Thanks dude. Yeah the voices came back full swing after I quit typing, but I guess it doesn’t really bother me anymore. I don’t listen to it, well I kind of listen to it. Kind of have to. Stay strong man.

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they probably come back due to digging up the past, cuz that can be stressful and overwhelming. and maybe they are scared that they are going to fade away forever :wink: because they know you dont give a ■■■■ about them. so they will continue to slowly give up

for me, facing my past was tough but it helped me in the long run for sure

cheers

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I think its related to fear and expectation.
I read a book way back that helped me “hope and help for your nerves” it wasn’t about sz and that was good, it was just about how not to worry about things and let it wash over you.
I also read about expectation and the listening posture way back.
if its quiet and your ‘waiting’ for something to happen, well then it does.

If you can learn to lose the fear that a voice is coming and just pay them no mind, they may just go away. I did this before I was religious.

Now that I have the possible delusion of demons, I just allow Jesus into the picture to drive them out like he did in the bible.

Hoping you find what works for you Bryan :smile:

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thanks for sharing hunni. x think i’ll do the same on another thread. yours was an interesting read. thank you x

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Good advice snow yowl, maybe my next challenge is to really seek out the this worlds understanding of the voices. Those articles are tough to find though.

Anyways I’m at 2 mg at this point. The voices have gotten a little worse, but they still go away whenever I’m focused on something or out and about. Definitely a fair trade off for improved cognition and memory.

I don’t think I have forgotten anything, it just doesn’t come to the surface. Last night it was like the floodgates were open when I started writing that.

That’s it for now.

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Yeah the voices didn’t go away like I hoped but they are definitely changing. They are more like a disconnected echo then something that’s in my face and feeding off of and corrupting my thoughts.

Oh well, time for some more coffee. Takes me a couple hours to gauge what my symptoms are gonna be like for the day, then I start to rise above them either way.

Good luck living with this ■■■■, I’m mean that sincerely.

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Yeah back in a good swing, my delusions are mostly gone and my experience is pretty clear. Good day so far.

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its interesting to note the change in how my voices act. I’ve pretty much learned i can talk with them at will right now, otherwise they just hang in the background. but for a few months it was just nothing not a sound.

like today I was just feeling so exhausted and unmotivated i decided I’d ask the voices if they’d help me out. so they just said “sure we can help, you ready? heres some more energy, there ya go” “know that we are just you essentially and we come from you, so it is really just you giving yourself more energy”

then they gave me a peptalk about being more confident in being myself.

I actually felt better and more energised lol.

thats pretty much how they act these days. kind of like summoning a helper.

not sure if this is a smart idea to do or not. ill tread carefully. I have done some reading on thehearingvoices network in the past so I understand there angle.

like the voices we hear are far more dissociated and given the feeling of “another being” compared to a normal person hearing a critical voice in there head saying “your a loser, or you always fail” etc

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It sounds like you’ve got things under control. That’s pretty cool. I think that schizophrenics must master their minds in order to recover. Sounds like your almost there. I’m making a lot of progress. Sitting in near silence again. Feel like the voices are finally going away and falling silent.

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Thanks for sharing in such an intimate way. Reading your words gives me a sense of what my son must be going through. He won’t discuss it, so it helps to have someone else articulate what it is like.

Thanks again.
Mark

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