I’m in some ■■■■■■ up ■■■■ right now. I’m very suicidal but I promised my Aunt I wouldn’t do it tonight and I’m not going to do that to her. My mom doesn’t love me. All my life I’ve been like a commodity to her like corn or wheat (commodities are sold in large batches and each supplier’s product is indistinguishable from another’s like oil. It is one of the few goods that can be shipped by rail because it keeps well).
I know what’s going to happen when this finally does happen. They’ll say they loved me, assholes who never gave me the time of day will come out of the woodwork and talk about what a ‘beautiful misguided spirit’ I was. Then cu*t face (my full blooded sister) will probably use it to worm her way into some events. Heck she will probably go to ‘suicide awareness’ things just to bolster her credibility as a good person when she has been egging me on to do this my whole life. I should post the letter online so that everyone can see what they are like. What they are really like. I was never good enough, maybe just not pretty enough, for mom to coddle when I cried because I hurt and not because I was bullied. Why didn’t she help me? I always hid it from her but she found me a lot of times when I was little. One day she just said 'do you want me to tell you it’s all going to get better? Because it won’t. I just got better at hiding it after that.
She could pinpoint the day this all started (in first grade) but she still did nothing.
I always knew my dad never loved me though so that hurts less. I thought she loved me, I was so sure, but my mind was just clinging to hopes and dreams. She was the least hurtful but it hurts even more now to know that it was all a lie.
Note: I have come to this realization gradually over several years on several medications for both my depression and sz.
It’s hard not to feel suicidal when you have schizophrenia. I feel like my mom doesn’t love me either. She left like five years back while I was in college and before that living with her was a nightmare. Then when she got back and remarried my dad she changed. She says she loves me now and tries to say all these nice things, and I’m honestly just glad that living with her isn’t hell anymore, but that is where the schizophrenia kicks in to make life hell now. I’m glad you have your aunt to live for. I’ve been on other forums where there are some people that have no family and no friends, and aside from telling them that God wants them to live, I don’t really have anything to say to help them with their struggle. Staying alive is really hard when you have schizophrenia. Being not only disabled but never fully in your right mind is really tough. I have an easy life. I could just live with my family, either parents or siblings for the rest of my life and never get a job, but then there are the feelings of inadequacy and the isolation from the rest of the world that comes with it. But then working 40 hours a week or more is really tough too. There are always suicide hot lines you can call, and the mental hospital to go to. It sounds like no one in your immediate family loves you, which is sad. Is it possible you can spend more time with your aunt?
You sound very sincere about what you are telling us. What you describe, makes me think that my parents were never parents before, and that it may be true that they have never even been in existence before being here this time so would not have had any experience at being parents or even knowing life at all until experiencing this one. It sounds like you may need to be the stronger one for everyone’s sake by seeing them as the ones who might need help. I think we all need help, to some extent, from others all our lives.
I’ve had weird experiences with family members, friends and relatives who have tried to hurt me in so many ways. They most probably don’t love me but it has never made me suicidal. Some people are just like that, they don’t have a heart. You can see all the wars and genocides humans are capable of, everybody gets hurt sometime in their life, you need to get over it and let go. Do things that you enjoy doing, music, art, walks, exercise, good food, close friends, pets, daydream and sleep. The amount of ■■■■ my family has put me through because of their stupidity, I should probably not even talk to them. But I’ve learned to forgive, they would do better if they know better.
@sea00115699, I don’t know what my problem is. I have a comfortable life. She doesn’t hit me or verbally abuse me, she can be ok a lot of the time (except when I’m cringing because I’m afraid I just said or did something that made her mad or she is mad).
I should be happy. I am warm, fed, and have a nice place to sleep. There was an interesting anecdote about some billionaire somewhere. He had about 12 houses, tons of cars, ect. he said, “There is a limit to what one person can have. I can’t live in more than one house at once, drive more than one car, sleep in one bed, or eat more than my stomach can hold. That means if you have all of those things you are just as well off as I am.” I firmly believe that. My family pays for my meds, my doctors, food, ect. I have everything I need. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me that I can’t be happy living with them.
@waterway, I have a cat but we’re fighting now. She usually is so good and comes and sits on my lap and cuddles with me when I feel down but this time she refused to. I think it’s because my mom’s dog is such an attention hog that she jumped up there to get love too and scared my baby girl. I also think that she’s mad I don’t play with her much. She usually doesn’t want to play or any petting but we don’t get to hang out much because she has to be an outdoor kitty so we don’t get to hang out a whole lot. She jumps on the counters.
I understand. It’s really hard to accept that anyone in your immediate family doesn’t love you, and it sounds like none of them do, only your aunt does. I hope I’m wrong but it sounds like that is the truth. It’s nice that they take care of all of your material comforts, because I’d imagine that being homeless would definitely be worse. It’s just hard to accept that you don’t feel loved, it can be unbearable I’d imagine. Love is very important.
I feel a lot better now.