I’m in some ■■■■■■ up ■■■■ right now. I’m very suicidal but I promised my Aunt I wouldn’t do it tonight and I’m not going to do that to her. My mom doesn’t love me. All my life I’ve been like a commodity to her like corn or wheat (commodities are sold in large batches and each supplier’s product is indistinguishable from another’s like oil. It is one of the few goods that can be shipped by rail because it keeps well).
I know what’s going to happen when this finally does happen. They’ll say they loved me, assholes who never gave me the time of day will come out of the woodwork and talk about what a ‘beautiful misguided spirit’ I was. Then cu*t face (my full blooded sister) will probably use it to worm her way into some events. Heck she will probably go to ‘suicide awareness’ things just to bolster her credibility as a good person when she has been egging me on to do this my whole life. I should post the letter online so that everyone can see what they are like. What they are really like. I was never good enough, maybe just not pretty enough, for mom to coddle when I cried because I hurt and not because I was bullied. Why didn’t she help me? I always hid it from her but she found me a lot of times when I was little. One day she just said 'do you want me to tell you it’s all going to get better? Because it won’t. I just got better at hiding it after that.
She could pinpoint the day this all started (in first grade) but she still did nothing.
I always knew my dad never loved me though so that hurts less. I thought she loved me, I was so sure, but my mind was just clinging to hopes and dreams. She was the least hurtful but it hurts even more now to know that it was all a lie.
Note: I have come to this realization gradually over several years on several medications for both my depression and sz.