So, last night, my husband looked at me the wrong way and gave me a verbal response that also seemed wrong to me. I was furious, zero to 60, so to speak. I started telling him that he obviously doesn’t love me, that he had totally dismissed me and that I was deeply hurt and he didn’t care (I said all of this to him in anger) I said he was being a jerk, and while I was trying to remove myself from the scene, I called him something worse.
Once away from him I was struggling with myself. The emotions were still escalating and I was sure that my husband must be having an affair, but I was also trying to calm myself down and trying to think rationally.
I sat alone for awhile, still struggling with my thoughts when he came into the room to get ready for bed, ignoring me. I revved up again and started accusing him of not caring about me, etc. All the while I was trying to stop myself.
In the end, I started sobbing and I felt sorry for myself because I won’t ever believe anyone loves me, and will forever worry that my husband will leave. I also felt sorry for my husband who was an unsuspecting victim of my inner turmoil. I apologized to him.
I feel better today, but he told me last night that “the whole thing is getting really old.” (He’s telling me)
I wonder if I will eventually cause him to give up on me?
So, I do still struggle.
This is difficult. I have had a short fuse in past times also. I know what you mean when you say trying to stop yourself.
I struggle with my temperment too. I am not married, so, for what its worth, maybe make a spot, if possible, for yourself.
Some place in your home that is out of the way?(where he is out of range of fire).
That’s good advice, @macy. There are only so many places I can go. First I went into the bathroom and slammed the door but then just brushed my teeth… then I went into the bedroom and I was calming down until he came in and didn’t say anything.
I struggle with my thoughts often but when they slip out and escalate towards him like that I feel bad for both of us.
I would also explain to him, if he ask, that you simply need a space to be alone and cool down.
maybe try to get to that place before anything else goes wrong, even if you had to walk back out of the bedroom to be alone in a living area or patio.
I dont know what he said to make you angry(and its not mine to know). but at the same time, if we know we were wrong to have such a strong reaction, we cant make people tip toe around us.(not enter the bedroom).
stating again that i dont know what was said, he might have been operating on the “if i dont say anything, then she cant get mad at what i said” basis.
I dont know about you, but when i get that way, what someone says can be right, but i just dont care(anger takes over).
It might be best to figure out why you have these reactions and feelings. Talk them over with him.
I find letting a person know that you’re getting agitated and might need to take a step away. Just be like “sorry my anxiety is bad right now. I don’t want to snap i might take a step away if I feel myself escalating.”
I used to fight with my mom a lot and I found that just letting her know that I’m feeling on edge helped our situation be less volatile.
I appreciate that, @Noise, and @macy! I promised him today that I will try to improve in this area.
It’s just that, at those moments, I genuinely believe that he obviously doesn’t love me. I believe at those times that he’s a liar and a cheat… I hate that I ever think that about him, but it feels so true sometimes. You’re both right that I need to excuse myself (sooner). I really tried to get myself away last night but not before saying things…
Something more to work on.
I appreciate that, @Noise, and @macy! I promised him today that I will try to improve in this area.
It’s just that, at those moments, I genuinely believe that he obviously doesn’t love me. I believe at those times that he’s a liar and a cheat… I hate that I ever think that about him, but it feels so true sometimes. You’re both right that I need to excuse myself (sooner). I really tried to get myself away last night but not before saying things…
Something more to work on.
I have huge troubles with this too. Or at least I did when I was off my meds. I almost made my mom leave forever several times. Fortunately, my husband put up with me. I don’t know how.
I would say that the best thing to do in a circumstance like that is to leave for a while and go for a long walk. Think things over. For me, it is really hard not to get really angry at people when I am being paranoid. It all seems true at the moment. So, now, if I am mad, I get out as fast as I can and hope that it will go away. Though none of this has happened since I started meds.
Your post @Hedgehog reminds me of a DBT class I had on communication. The difference between passive aggressive, assertive and aggressive. Sorry if this rambling, lots of thoughts on your situation…
It sounds to me that you acted in a normal manner because you thought he was a jerk, in the moment.
I was debating if you were assertive or aggressive in your response to him. But I decided you were more assertive than anything. You told him how you felt and your thoughts. I think it sounds like he dismissed what you had to say, that was not helpful in the situation.
The name calling was more aggressive. But I was told once by a counselor that door slamming is assertive because it is telling him, non-verbally, that you are frustrated or angry.
It seems as if he does not communicate well or understand your illness or personality. That statement that “its getting really old” shows his character more than what you demonstrated that night. I mean, what does “this is getting old” mean to him? Is it different than what you think it means?
It is natural to doubt ourselves in relationships and what footing we are on. It sounds like you began to calm down when you left the room and thought about things. Perhaps you could try to do something to distract yourself next time so you don’t go back and make accusations. I found that going outside, even in this cold weather, to take a quick walk helps, even if just a lap around the house.
Sort of what @Noise is saying, you can only change yourself, your thoughts and your reactions to things. Your husband may never change his behavior and words but you most certainly have the power to change.
This is really interesting and helpful, @Skims. Thank you for your insights.
I had another post recently about how things have improved for me so much as I’ve gotten older and my life is more stable than it’s ever been. But, there are still things I have to work on and some new things that have come up because of my marriage.
I like how you sort of categorized everything. I find that really helpful. I need to find a good therapist again. I need insights like this or I’m just going to go around and around.
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