It’s a paradox. There is no winning.
Sure he can have friends, but his friends are all couples.
Me not joining makes it awkward for him.
Me trying to be social risks anxiety, asocial behavior and causing discomfort to everyone.
Feel like I am ruining his life.
I wouldn’t worry about ruining his life, he chose you remember?
I agree that he chose you. Is it possible to go only sometimes?
The way Mr. Star and I deal with this issue (he’s the isolater, I am the social butterfly) is that I have my best friend who is my “social spouse.” Her wife is also very introverted, so we go to social functions together and our spouses can stay home and feel at peace. Mr. Star agrees to go to certain events, but he drives, and I accept that he might just walk out and then tell me he’ll come back to pick me up when I am done hanging out. Or he might offer to go get extra chips/ice/whatever as an excuse to be gone for a bit.
I would honestly prefer it if Mr. Star was a bit more social. But if it was a huge deal for me, I wouldn’t have married him in the first place. What really matters to me is that he doesn’t get mad at me for going places and leaving him at home. If he tried to stop me from being social so I matched his energy, it would suck.
You don’t have to like every single aspect of your partner to love them and be committed to them. His good qualities are way more important to me than his need for alone time. And his alone time helps those good qualities shine even more, because he feels peaceful and accepted for who he is.
You guys are super considerate to your spouse. That is very accommodating and you don’t make your spouse be in situations that are uncomfortable and can symptom inducing. I think good communication which I think I have with mine, but when we are in social settings, he forgets about the rules and even sometimes leaves me alone with the guest. It’s been frustrating for both. I think we need more talks and come to specific rules like you guys have.
Thanks for sharing your situation and to know it can work.
I really feel this past week has been a disaster. It might be in my head that people hate me.
My SO is pushing me to come out to his / (our) friends about my SZ so we can be more authentic. As of this last situation he has asked again if I’m willing - I’m not.
Our rules only came about after many MANY fights, if I’m being totally honest. But it’s been 8 years for us, and whenever we have a big fight we both know we still want to be together, so we work on solutions.
As for coming out SZ, it might be easier to use the term “neurodivergent” since that can mean anything from ADHD to Autism to schizophrenia to anxiety. It is a more socially acceptable term for a lot of people, since schizophrenia carries lots of stigma.
A big key also, is not using it as an excuse, but as an explanation. If you say “I’m neurodivergent so I’m going to be rude at parties” that won’t work because you’re asking them to put up with you refusing to work on your behavior. But if it was more like “I’m neurodivergent so I sometimes get stressed in social situations, and the way I am dealing with that is by excusing myself when I feel overwhelmed so I don’t get snippy” then that is putting the responsibility on you.
Wow - thanks for your perspective on both sides. alot of it resonates.
A lot to process.
Good luck! I know this was a big issue with me and Mr. Star for a long time.
I think you struck lucky to have a husband who appreciates you despite the tendency to isolate
My foot print in the world is almost nonexistent, and I am a ghost to most people
Getting into a relationship where you got married is an amazing thing you have achieved.
Hmmm i need to realize this. @Joker
sometimes I get so frustrated and somehow my brain tells me i want to be alone period.
But I that is not what i want. I think I need to be aware of this.
As far as your existence, you come across here to me as a great person. I hope if you want someone as far as a relationship - that you can have that.
My time has passed, but I am ok with that
Just remember your husband loves you, and is with you
Maybe a work around like @Ninjastar does with Mr. Star would mitigate the issue and make you both more comfortable.
Don’t forget, sometimes we catastrophise. I do that a lot. Maybe that’s what is going on to some degree, but you could meet in the middle to solve this
@joker @Ninjastar
Thanks I appreciate these words. I will have to take time to think and process all this.
I think i do catastrophise. Need to think about it.
This topic was automatically closed 14 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.