New, looking to share/not feel alone in this

Hello everyone, this will be long, sorry. I’ve never been on this site before, mainly because of denial. But its hard to be in denial when you see things jump at you that shouldn’t move. I’ve come here because I am currently still having the after affects of a psychotic episode and I need to get all this out (I have psychotic symptoms about all the time, but once in a while I will have a full episode).

I’m sure some of you will be wondering why I don’t just see a therapist. Reason being that mainly I have tried all the advice, and nothing can help psychotic symptoms other than medication, and I cannot tolerate psychiatric meds. Every antipsychotic I’ve tried has immediately caused Tardive Dyskensia symptoms, yet despite this the last therapist I had wouldn’t stop hinting at it. Other reason being, the same therapist would constantly ask me if my symptoms were mood related, which just got aggravating. My psychiatrist though understands and has -never- pressured me on any medication. I just deal the best I can. It would be nice to talk to people who fully understand.

However right now I feel a bit numb, more paranoid than usual, and just all around ‘off’ and disconnected. I struggle with disassociation, both the self one, and the external one. I don’t remember currently what they are both specifically called. These come the worst when my psychotic symptoms are worse.

I was dx’d with bipolar for a very long time, until I was put on lamotrigine and my moods became stable. I still experience psychosis, the intense paranoia, the delusions and occasionally hallucinations. This of course caused an updated dx of Schizoaffective (By the same therapist who constantly asked). I’m one of the lucky ones though that recognizes my delusions, I know they are delusions yet I can’t stop believing them. The awareness helps me not act on any of it, thankfully.

I’ve been on disability for 3ish years now. I have to live alone because of this, which sucks because I’ve been with my partner for 5 years, but I can’t live with -anyone- including family. The paranoia and hostility builds up, until I just can’t deal with whoever I’m living with. It already ruined my friendship with my best friend. Rage and building hostility just seems to happen whenever im around people, or an individual too much. I am pretty much bound to staying at home due to my paranoia and delusions. Its very difficult for me to even go to holiday family gatherings, or the grocery store.

My most common held beliefs are that the police are looking for any excuse to arrest me, or that the government wants me to disappear. One that is constant and every day is that someone is watching me at all times through my windows. Whatever I am doing, I believe someone is watching, judging my every action, my every movement. Also that god is talking to me through my thoughts.

I have even developed a personified version of my madness named Roent, whom also ‘talks’ to me through my thoughts, usually telling me to give in and relax. Sometimes he tries to comfort me by telling me to accept it because it isn’t going to change. I know these are ludicrous, yet I cant stop believing/feeling that they are real. I only seem to have hallucinations during/after full blown psychotic episodes which are generally the ragey violent kind. I’ve injured my foot from stomping, and punched the wall leaving a nice dent in it.

I live a very barebones life, I sold/threw out about 90% of what I owned. This has actually helped me, at least personally. The very simple, and relatively empty living space allows me to keep a more clear head than before. It is very freeing.

When I was extremely manic, or an episode was coming on I would hear music in white noise. Does anyone else experience anything like that? Last weekend after I entered the episode, I saw a black trashcan from the bottom of my vision jump at me. I startled and almost fell back trying to avoid it lol. I laugh about it now, its kind of a silly hallucination, but one nonetheless. My hallucinations are always weird little things like that, like seeing a picture distorting or ‘breathing’.

For other women I have a question, do you find that hormones can bring about a psychotic episode? They have for me on rare occasion.

I’d like to hear from people who have had similar experiences like mine, psychotic rage, almost 24/7 delusions/paranoia, even if mild. Thank you for taking the time to read, again sorry its so long. Jeez though, going back and reading through this seems unreal, I never thought I’d be truly ‘insane’ like this, albeit more mild than I know many have it. I always had a feeling though.

Do any of you feel utterly overwhelmed in crowded or loud places as well?

This is kinda hard for a schizophrenic like me to read.
I hope you stay.

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Sorry :frowning: and thanks, I hope I can find the support I need here.

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Well it’s good to put it out there

Probably makes you feel better too


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Yes, getting it all out does make me feel a bit better, especially when its around people who can relate rather than someone who simply got a degree.

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It’s a lot med compliant here

I appreciate your testimony though

Always be honest