In a week and a half, I start going to a university. Prior to this, I went to a community college and graduated with a 3.79 GPA. I’ve been thinking about just dropping all of my classes, canceling my loan, and just going to a mental hospital. This is the first time I’ve had to take out a loan, as my dad has been unemployed for over a year. I’ve read the reviews for my professors on ratemyprofessors.com and according to student reviews, two of my professors are good and two of them are bad. The newness of the whole thing is scaring me. Also, I’ll be surrounded by eighteen year olds, and I am forty, though I look about late twenties.
I am starting back up and im a little nervous too. I made a 3.96 last semester, I’m taking honors classes, Im on a scholarship, yaddyyadda, but I still get nervous. Once I get in the swing of things, drinking coffee, going to class, lifting weights, I feel better…but it makes me feel sick when I dont know what I am about to go into. Just stay positive and keep your eyes straight ahead…school is just something that is all you- no one else takes exams, studies and writes those papers but you. That’s how I look at it.
I start again this thursday and have an appointment with my psychiatrist on tuesday, and I’m finally joining a powerlifting team because I have recovered from a leg/groin injury and can squat heavy now. I find structure is key- time set aside to study, coffee throughout the day, and time to relax…I feel like I just don’t have it in me some days, but after going to class, getting my work done and going to the gym, I never regret it and feel accomplished, then get ready to do it again.
It’s all about potential and using it…I tell myself that I have those A’s in me and I just need to let them come out. We’re both psych majors so our classes are interesting to us! I treat school very seriously and remind myself that it’s my life that is being built with every note I take and every word I listen tol- getting an education is doing the best for one’s self.
It is scary to take on a university, but it’s the best place to be. I remind myself when I sit down in class that it’s where I should be and I don’t want to be anywhere else!
and dont feel inferior to being in class with young people…all they do is party on the weekends, they know nothing!
Don’t let it scare you…hearing you say you are thinking of just going to a mental hospital right now sounds horrible. Are you doing well with your meds? Symptoms in control?
Thank you for the encouraging response. [quote=“mortimermouse, post:2, topic:1742”]
…hearing you say you are thinking of just going to a mental hospital right now sounds horrible. Are you doing well with your meds? Symptoms in control?
My symptoms are basically under control except for intrusive violent thoughts. I know they will subside once I have something positive (school) to focus on. But making that leap is still scary. And I am pursuing therapy with a new clinic that will hopefully help me. I take 160mg of Geodon per day, and I’m thinking that there might be a better drug for me.
I feel like giving up often. But I just kind of feel that things will get better, I have hope that good things might happen to me in the future. Along with the knowledge that things might get worse. I want to be left alone to do what I want, and go where I want. And since I am not doing anything illegal, and I am not hurting anyone I feel I have that right. But anyway I would like to see you be successful. Do you have anyone you can lean on during the particularly bad days? Some support? Someone to give you a pep talk? You did fine among all those people in community college, can’t you use that knowledge to make going to a university easier? Because you have the brains,it’s other people who are the problem, right? I don’t mean anyone is purposelessly bugging you, I just mean being around people is not easy for everyone. But you have already done that for two years right? But yeah, I often feel like quitting my job, moving out of independent living, forgetting about school, and packing it all in and giving up. I do not dwell on it though.It crosses my mind and I remind myself , or my family reminds me how lucky I am in many ways. Do I have problems besides schizophrenia? Yes, I do. AA calls them character defects. I get insecure, I get resentments towards perceived everyday slights, I get disappointed in myself. But hey, EVERYONE has problems right? I think a lot of ‘normies’ ( I kind of hate that word) are barely hanging on I think many non-schizophrenics are barely hanging on to their sanity too. When I used to move around to diffeent cities i would get stressed and my doctor would prescribe ativan until I got acclimated to my new surroundings. It usually took a couple weeks. Just something to think about. Good luck.
Yeah Caroline, I agree with mortimermouse, so-called ‘normal’ people are not all smart. In a few of my online classes, I was amazed at some other students essays.Because in almost every class I take we get to see each others work. And it often struck about how bad some people are at writing. Not every non-schizophrenic has the corner on brains.
hmmm I also take geodon, but 120mg per day. Im also on xanax 1mg twice a day and propanalol 80mg. I think intrusive violent thoughts can be managed with distractions. I used to have violent thoughts just like you but now I dont as much. I think studying will keep your mind busy and should help with the intrusive thoughts…when I was unmedicated, school did distract me fairly well from intrusive thoughts.
School is scary, it’s intimidating to look at those thick textbooks and imagine mastering what’s inside, but once I start taking exams and getting grades back, the anxiety fades away and I realize that I had nothing to be afraid of…by the end of the semester, I always feel like an old pro.
Here’s some advice that you need to hear- going off of Geodon is dangerous. I tried going off of it and trying Latuda, the newest antipsychotic, and I was in withdrawal and psychotic. If I were you, I would not switch meds until the summer, and taper slowly even if your doc tells you to go faster. I think going down 20mg a week is a safe bet, I went down 40mg at once and it was not good at all. Big caution sign!
Therapy can make a huge difference, it does for me. My shrink reminds me of how accomplished I have been and reminds me of my potential…he always points out that I made a 3.5 while at my worst, unmedicated, cutting half of my classes and suffering from psychosis. I do look back at that year from hell and realize that if I did that much work in that state of mind, what’s in front of me is easy. But that’s just my way of reassuring myself, im sure your new therapist will have some appropriate strategies for being focused and confident.
But honestly I find the sedation to be a problem…I drink coffee two or three times a day when I’m studying. I can’t even drive or make breakfast without a cup first thing in the morning. Lol I look like the stereotypical schizophrenic with my black coffee and cigarette in the morning
i can’t tell you what to do but i think go and challenge your self, why lock your self away in a mental hospital, for what i have seen you are kind ,intelligent and a progressive thinker.
show the world what you are made of.
Maybe you could compromise + drop the two courses whose instructors got bad reviews. Start slow if they’ll allow you just two courses. Next semester you could go with more. When I was in college there was an older woman in my history class. She didn’t look 20, but the girls especially were kind to her - you could tell she was a good person. But read the reviews carefully. Sometimes people didn’t like the professor that I liked the most.
I’m starting school and there aren’t so many 18 year olds around even in the day. With so many people who have been down sized, off shored, laid off, lots and lots of adults are going back to school to get back into the job market.
I’ve been reading this post from all and why would you want to give up on all that potential you hold? Why would you want to quit the race now after over coming so much? I bet your dad is really proud of you for over coming this illness AND making it through school to better yourself.
If it makes you feel better… Normal people are having a hard time too…
My kid sis in NOT sz and she’s getting so panicked about school and stress she’s started coughing up blood and going through crippling panic attacks, hyperventilation, and crying jags and near fainting spells. So as long as you don’t faint and cough up blood… your doing far better then a 17 year old normie… See?
I hope you stick with it and don’t give up. You’ve come so far. We all get nervous about new things.
Thank you all for your kind and encouraging comments. It really helps a lot. I’m going to go to school, even though I am nervous about it. And I’m going to reread these comments to encourage myself, when I’m feeling too nervous.[quote=“pob, post:8, topic:1742”]
Start slow if they’ll allow you just two courses
The Pell Grant only lasts for six years for a bachelor’s degree. I went to community college for two and a half years taking four classes per semester, except for one semester when I only took three classes and I went for summer classes, taking two courses per summer. If I take less than four classes per semester, I will surely go for a total of more than six years to get my bachelor’s degree, and I don’t want to become mired in so much debt. The Pell Grant used to last nine years for a bachelor’s degree, so people could take it easy, but Congress decided against it.
Do you take anything for relaxation, like klonopin. You could ask your doctor and tell him your feeling anxiety about school and he can prescribe some medicine to relax you, at least at first.
Thanks for the idea, but I already take Klonopin twice a day.