Hi. I’m Elizabeth. I came to the forum a while ago, I can’t remember if it was last year, or last January…but it’s been some time. I want to get involved in a community for people who suffer from my same/similar afflictions. I was diagnosed in 2010 with schizoaffective disorder. Last time I was on the forum I posted about my nerves going back to school…and I still feel those nerves now going into this semester. Last semester I was hospitalized during midterm week. I like to think I’m in recovery but I still suffer many symptoms, and I rely on the people around me in my life to help me get through simple tasks. Hopefully I can pick up some techniques here to improve my chances at a healthier future.
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Welcome back and I’m glad your doing better… most of all that you have some friends around you who can help you out.
I’m doing well this year… but I don’t do it alone. I have a lot of help getting through my day.
I hope this next year is a good for you. 
Welcome back.
I am also in recovery from my positive symptoms anyway but honestly I have a good ways to go still. I may be no longer experiencing psychosis but the better and more in touch with myself I become with time the more I’m aware of the storm of emotion just below my surface.
I want to say though that I’ve found having a community of those I can relate to a HUGE part of my success in recovery from this illness.
Here’s wishing you the best in recovering…
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My doc started me on xanax during midterms week last fall. I’ve been on it since. Are you panicking during school? I have class in two hours and I woke up and started gagging and my body tried to vomit but nothing was in my stomach so nothing came out. I took my xanax and now I am drinking coffee.
School is maybe the worst choice for people with schizophrenia, I am not going to sugar coat that, but in the USA these days, college is the new high school, you need a degree to get a job. My family expects me to get a graduate degree. I am on a full scholarship for undergrad so that doesnt help matters. I am basically stuck being a student. I sometimes really hate it and think it is bad for my mental health, but sometimes it is actually enjoyable and doesnt drive me crazy. Buying books and walking to class is the worst part. I can sit and read and remember information just fine.
But really, read Elyn Saks’ memoir, she went to Oxford while off her rocker. I read it while struggling socially but doing damn well academically around this time last year. I was having serious problems with anxiety and reading her story made me think I had it easy compared to her. She would straight up lose it, not a little bit, all of it, she went out on rooftops and yelled nonsense, ect.
One technique is alcohol- dont go there, I did that and it got ugly.
One technique is cigarettes- dont go there, I did that and it got ugly
One technique is more medication- I am still doing that and it works pretty well.
One technique is regular therapy- I still do that and it works pretty well
One technique is giving up- don’t even think about that
I am not happy about going back today. My nerves are all fried and I want a cigarette. It’s the first and last week of each semester that freaks me out- the first week I am scared, the last week I am sick of it and starting to show signs of distress. I have to go to the bookstore today then lift weights. The weightlifting should ease my anxiety.
Then I am going to get HIV tested, that is making me anxious too. I also just realized my schedule doesnt fit with my doctor appointments so now I have to call and reschedule those. I don’t like this ■■■■. I would rather just sit in a cubicle and do something predictable all day.
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I take Klonopin regularly…0.5 mg two times a day. It helps with the panic attacks and anxiety I get from day to day activities, but the problem is when I begin to get stressed out beyond that it does not help. I start class on September 3rd, I’m very nervous. I am also on a scholarship, which puts extra pressure on me (as you [@mortimermouse] can imagine)…I have to maintain a certain GPA. For the past two semesters I did well academically. There were a few assignments that were late, or forgotten about, and the time spent in the hospital didn’t help me at all. But I got through it and maintained a good GPA. My problem now is I HAVE to go to grad school for the degree I want to pursue, and the added anxiety of applying to the schools, taking the GREs, getting letters of recommendation, etc. etc. is making some of my symptoms return.
I agree school is not a good environment for those with schizophrenia. Sure we can say academia and learning and all that feeds the mind and can provide a distraction to our internal distress. But anything more than an audit of a class is just going to make things worse. I hate that. I want to be successful beyond being successful for the challenges I’ve had to overcome. I want to be successful in the way that everyone predicted I would be when I was in high school. It seems like since I was diagnosed expectations dropped for me. Former friends were surprised to see that I started college again, and my aunt who I was very close to just stopped being my cheerleader. I counted as nothing to them. If I wasn’t going to lead a typical life these people did not want to be a part of it.
Okay, okay…I’m rambling. I do that when I’m stressed. Sorry! 
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It’s really too bad what stress costs us. Try to dig in and study and put it out of your mind.
we’re in the same boat. People like to act like I have nothing to complain about- like I said, I woke up and immediately started dry heaving out of anxiety. I havent made less than an A- since I got on medication. My expectations are super high. Like people think I am going to get a doctorate in psychology. It sucks. Here I am having an elevated heart rate and ■■■■, and I havent even been to class yet.
School is terrible for mental health. It’s not steady, it’s not stable, it’s chaotic and tons of normal people can’t take the stress. I know so many kids my age who dropped out. One of my best friends got a job doing paperwork and is taking a year off school, he says his mind just can’t take it right now. You and I are officially crazy and we are expected to be able to take it!
Last finals week, I had a freakout but managed to function and made all A’s. My doctor told me to not take any summer classes because I had developed an involuntary gag reflex due to stress. It hasnt gone anywhere, I woke up and started to gag then dry heaved and just got a lot of air trapped in my stomach and burped a lot when I got out of bed.
Now this is the first day. Imagine how midterms and finals are going to be like. I am expected to make perfect grades and get a scholarship to grad school, not just get accepted.
This is freaking ■■■■■■■■. I should have been an MMA fighter and not take medication. Just working out and beating people up comes naturally to me when I am not on medication, and they make millions. Lol.
I can handle the knowledge factor- I cant handle the driving to campus, walking to class and being in a room factor. Give me a book and I can read, understand it and be tested on it and do very well, better than most people my age. Give me a car, a list of times and room numbers and a syllabus and I start getting anxious as hell.
For some reason I am worried sick about going to the bookstore.
I quit smoking a month ago and just want to smoke a couple of cigarettes but cant.
I am supposed to make perfect grades this semester.
Three of the classes I am taking have jack crap to do with my major.
This is ■■■■■■■■. But if we don’t get at least bachelor’s degrees, we are pigeon-holed into minimum wage jobs. I wish they did education in the US like they do it in France- only take classes pertinent to your major. I could handle that without any anxiety, just taking psych classes. I have a passion for psychology.
But crap like advanced english literature…no. Foreign languages? Hell no. Ancient world civlization? Theyre all dead. Abnormal psychology? yes, lets cover every disorder. I need to know that for myself and for working in psychology one day. Sounds like valuable information.
I am ranting and I like it.
That’s not enough Klonopin, by the way. You should be on 1 or 2mg once a day. Klonopin lasts for 12 hours. No wonder you had a breakdown and landed in a hospital. My doctor gives me plenty of 1mg xanax tablets, three a day. I take it and can think about one thing at a time. Without it I am a nervous wreck and socially dysfunctional.
Im just gonna go to class, the bookstore, then go to the gym and blast Slipknot. One day back in school will make the rest of it not as bad. I cope with stress with aggressive activities- I used to be a powerlifter, that went south because I got kicked off the team for being a bisexual atheist. Now I am bodybuilding, putting on mass and trying to get to about 200lbs. Im 180 right now. I might compete in a show if my calves and deltoids will get their ■■■■ together and grow. That and my bis and tris need a little more thickness. My upper chest is sorta flat.
I sublimate all of this anxiety and hating my situation by lifting heavy things repeatedly. One of my best friends is very similar to me personality wise and he is more massive than I am. We both are buff nerds. He’s like 220 and has more raw mass, Im very chiseled looking. We watch anime for hours like once a week after lifting. Lol. He has a girlfriend, we go to restaurants and bars. I usually bring a friend. This weekend I will be bringing a date, so it will be a double date.
I dont know why I feel compelled to keep writing all of this ■■■■ down.
Writing about stressful stuff is cathartic. I don’t know how to quote with my phone.
It gets easier. You get used to the beginnings and endings. Though I am only taking 6 hours this semester, because I have to graduate from my old school. It would be a waste to take more classes that don’t apply to my major.
I don’t even have any money to pay for my books, because my loans haven’t come in. The central air broke, so I am stuck waiting for the repair guy. My classes are both on Tuesday and Thursday. Ok, I really can’t complain, now that I read this. It is much harder trying to maintain a scholarship.
For some reason I set my college expectations to not be stressful. I took a couple of AP classes in high school, but I didn’t even apply to the Louisiana school for Math Science and the Arts like my brother.
ETA. It is less pressure for the second kid.
Now I’m rehashing my life story.
How did class go @mortimermouse?
I got an e-mail today with reading assignments to do for the upcoming semester, and I don’t even start till next week. :S Made me stress out at work today, I had to sit in the back room for a couple of hours and do meaningless crap while I composed myself. Towards the end of the day though I felt a lot better, and I feel wonderful right now.
@metime: I know what it’s like to not have money to pay for books. If my parents didn’t help me I’d be so lost…not even lost…I just wouldn’t be able to do anything that I do now. I’m fortunate in that sense.
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Class is not fun but it must be done. I need to play with myself now. Oh and Im HIV negative, I got tested today.
I worked out after class and talked to a guy I am interested in. We have been talking for two hours every night for a month. He’s staying over this weekend, so I have something to look forward to. I already have reading assignments I will have to do tomorrow morning.
School can get skulll****** I get scared of it but I always do the same thing to it. By fall break and halloween I should be settled in the routine and making A’s.
I get my ■■■■ together. It sometimes lose a little of it but I clean it up.
Welcome Elizabeth~
Stress can aggravate any situation.
You are very brave and I am glad you are still
going at it. I wish I knew something to say
to make the pressure go away.
College seems to be stressful for everyone these days…it didn`t used to be that way.
They were able to supply you with an instant result, or am I misinterpreting? When I got tested (both times) it was a 5-7 day wait. Talk about anxiety. Yikes!
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with my life the way it was, I’ve been tested as well… waiting for that test result is stress magnified.
That was a very hard 6 days.
Yeah it took twenty minutes. I had to sign a thing saying that they could keep my name in a database if I tested positive. Talk about stigma. lol. Luckily I was negative
You know, now that you mention it, I do seem to faintly recall hearing of a new faster test. I figured you’d be negative. 