Without going into details, I’ll mention a few things that I don’t believe I’ve ever mentioned on here, things I have told to hardly anyone in real life. In fact, my sister is the only one irl who really knows about this stuff, because she lived it alongside of me.
I suffered sexual, physical, and psychological abuse from my older brother, which I partly blame for me having this illness. I also partly blame genetics; there is no sz or sza in my family that I know of, but both of my parents were bipolar (diagnosed yet unmedicated). I suffered verbal and emotional abuse from them, as well as terrible neglect, but I forgave them for those things a long time ago. They never apologized, I just forgave them for my own sake; they’re both deceased now, anyway. My brother is still alive as far as I know, though I suppose it’s possible he’s dead, doesn’t matter either way to me. Some might judge me for feeling that way, but whatever, such people can go ■■■■ themselves, quite frankly. Perhaps I should feel sorry for my brother, and I suppose I do in some ways; he was later diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder (sociopath). There is no effective treatment for his disorder, not meds or therapy.
Okay, sorry about all that, but I was reading the thread about diagnosis and saw that a few people mentioned PTSD. That reminded of the time I was told by a psych nurse that I may have that. She was a nurse, though, not qualified to make an actual diagnosis, and I suppose I would reject such a diagnosis from a doctor, anyway. Actually, come to think of it, it may have been a therapist who said that.
I’m not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me, I guess I just needed to vent. I can tell you all those things because it’s not like I’ll ever meet any of you in person, so I wouldn’t have to look you in the eyes.
My brother was sexually abused by the uncle who used to be my favourite on my Dad’s side of our family. He got therapy and is doing well now! Also there’s this client of the recovery center who was horrendously bullied when she was younger. She has both a food addiction and smoking problem and, as a result, is really overweight. It’s not like she’s not trying, it’s just really hard for her! The same as you and it took great courage for you to come out about it. No need to apologize!
Not that I know of, other than the same verbal/emotional abuse and neglect doled out by our parents. My sister and I didn’t turn into sociopaths, though. He’s always been a screwed up individual. When our dad died in 2013 he fought my sister and I on our dad’s cremation. My sister had to go to court to get our dad cremated, took over a month to make it happen; meanwhile, his remains were continuing to rot away at the crematory. Our dad had been lying dead for an estimated 10 days when he was found, partially decomposed, yet my idiotic brother was hellbent on a casket funeral. That’s just another example of how screwed up and stupid he is. He ended up getting a third of our dad’s ashes, so the ashes that are in the cemetery are not even intact, something that further pisses me off.
I believe the thinking is now that sociopaths/psychopaths have different brain structure from birth. That is not to excuse their behavior because they can still distinguish right from wrong. If someone with sociopathic tendencies is abused it is very likely they will abuse others, and have no remorse for it.
@freakonaleash that must have been very hard growing up with a brother like that and parents who didn’t protect you.
You’ve got my sympathies. Not sure if you want advice, but here it is: Get therapy for this if you can. This kind of luggage is too damn heavy to carry through your entire life. Get some help unpacking it.
I swear I have dealt with some sociopathic people too. They seem to get away with everything which is what makes me so angry. people encourage this kind of behaviour
I was in therapy for years, but never really talked about this stuff much. I guess it just makes me uncomfortable discussing such matters face to face. I’ve only ever gone into detail about the sexual abuse once, and that was with a psych nurse during my first psych stay. It was very hard to do, broke down crying partway through, but I pushed on and told her everything I remember, just to get it out of me at least once.
I don’t know what he did with his portion of the ashes, but the 2/3 of the ashes that my sister and I got went into a pillar at a cemetery, as were my dad’s wishes. Well, my dad’s wishes were to be cremated and have all of his ashes in that pillar, but anyway …
I’m glad you shared with us and hope it helps on your road to recovery. I’m glad you were able to forgive your parents. It’s hard to recover without letting go and forgiving, for your sake not theirs. Maybe someday you can forgive your brother in pitty. I know he doesn’t deserve it , but you deserve to let go as much as is humanly possible ,however that comes about I hope you find away to recovery. You’ve been through more than I can comprehend and deserve healing. I know that I wouldn’t be so willing to forgive and wonder if I’ve truly forgiven all that have wanted harm for me. But from everything I’ve heard and experienced it’s essential in recovery. Easy to say not so easy to do. Best wishes in your battles. Sending prayers your way. Really debated on if I should post this as forgiveness is really hardly ever deserved. But yet seems necessary for healing. Hope your not offended.
If you had some money maybe you could get a therapist who specializes in these kinds of problems. If not, I’d bet that some of the psychotherapists in the public system have experience with this kind of trauma. Things can look kind of hopeless for people with your kind of trauma, but things can get better. Life isn’t all bad.
I saw one guy on tv who was studying psychopaths. He had a brain scan done on himself, and it turned out that he had the same kind of brain structure as the psychopaths, and yet he was a very moral man. He wouldn’t hurt anybody. That just goes to show you that we are more than the matter between our ears. We have a soul.
I appreciate what you wrote, did not take any offense to it. You’re right that forgiveness is often necessary for complete healing, but I don’t know that I really have such forgiveness for him in me. It’s been decades since the abuse, so if I don’t have that forgiveness in me by now I suppose it’s possible that I never will.
I’m sorry that you had these hellish experiences! We support you. I can relate to some of your experiences and I think it’s necessary and good to discuss things like this because otherwise people live in cages of shame and stigma, all alone in their private hell. You’re not alone.
I had an abusive uncle who sexually abused me as a child, but then lied about it when I finally told someone like a decade later. He moved out of state and very few family members believed me. I was half convinced it hadn’t happened after all…then years later, this March he came to my city and left voices messages on my mother’s phone asking for forgiveness for what he’d done to me. Guess it hadn’t just been “sz” delusions like some family members thought, as he confessed to it on his own. I know that no matter how many years passes by, it’s still like an infested wound that won’t heal.
fyi it might be helpful to ask a pdoc if there’s something for the triggers/flashbacks/outof body experiences/memories, etc…I have a chronic ptsd diagnosis, too. I remember once they had me on gabapentin for ghost pain that was really just somatic ptsd (ptsd that makes you feel physical things).
I’m very sorry to hear of what happened to you with your uncle. I’m not completely convinced that I have PTSD, though. I don’t spend that much time thinking about it anymore, not like I used to anyway. I started writing poetry back in the early 2000s as a way of venting, wrote I think 3 poems about my experiences with him, 2 of which were about the sexual abuse and the other was about the constant fear and psychological torture. My poetry writing phase fizzled out after just a couple years, but it served its purpose.
