I’m already being beaten, things seem so hopeless it’s been years of this and it just keeps getting worse I don’t see the use right now. I’m using and drinking a lot too. I need to get my act together but these people would treat their pets better than I. And It’s really pissing me off that I’m powerless in the daily suffering.
Yeah suffering from this disease is pointless. Really though you still need to come to the realization that it is just you doing it. These people don’t have powers, you lend what happening to you to them. Stop beating yourself up, you’re a valid person.
I just don’t see living this way any more. It’s quite real to me and I’m having so many issues. I don’t care about myself I’m not cleaning up after myself I’m using, drinking…It seems that’s the only way to get through days like this, not to mention crying off the shame of my past.
You gotta forgive yourself and commit to a new life. Maybe do something nice for someone.
That’s the other thing…I have this (inner ugly side) to deal fearfully with my hallucinations. I hate them, and they cause me to just hate living and myself. Those thoughts, those delusions are bleeding out into my (real time environment)…and I don’t know what’s real or how to cope. YES I’ve been through a med change but there’s just to many hotshots beating me down here. I dunno what to do.
Well hang in there buddy, its just another day.
I’m sure you know that drinking and using will only pull you down further. You are not powerless. The past is the past, leave it there.
Just for today, put away the alcohol and whatever else… Go for a walk. Breathe some fresh air. Listen to some uplifting music.
Ok. Trying really hard not to drink but I keep crumbling down. These things that I relive everyday are some of the darkest, most out of control actions of a past that involved seedy places, seedy people, and seedy things. I have no true identity except from the war. And it’s ongoing and I didn’t stay to finish things, it’s shameful acts and decisions lining up to the end of my chances at 31 years old. It’s been seven years of severity, I have to keep trying.
I get beaten daily, they’ll slap me awake like I’m some pow. My own leadership, these ■■■■■■■ people that I’m supposed to believe protect me and believe in me whip my ■■■■■■■ ass. I’m sick, fed up, and talking nasty to people. I’m lashing out-and at all the wrong people. Like schizo is making me a marionette of my own self destruction. I’m trying hard not to drink.
I’m a bit out of my depth on current music…
I’m being beaten up and raped by professional military, athletes, I’m not strong enough to withstand these blows day to day. My hands won’t stop shaking they don’t give a ■■■■ about me one bit. I hope they get theirs truthfully for ■■■■■■■ up people’s minds and beating disabled ■■■■■■■ vets. This seems very very real to me.
I don’t trust anyone really anymore…like they’re against me or know the most horrible dark secrets I have…I can’t stand this ■■■■…guess I’ll crawl it.
you need to stay strong man, i know its a struggle but you can’t just give up, you got to fight this like you are in the army, get out the big guns and blow this ■■■■ away, make yourself a bunker and just dig in, when you see the ■■■■ coming take cover and don’t hide behind a bottle, thats self defeating as well as some other ■■■■, honestly you just can’t let this win, good will prevail, we are the chosen and we will never give in.
I’m an Elvis fan personally…
just wanted to post and say i’m reading along. i don’t have any clever advice. i can tell you that some days of my life, some stretches, are better and some are worse. i hear you that your life currently is going through a “worse” stretch…and i’m sorry today sucks. i hope that a better one comes tomorrow and sticks around for awhile. as i hope you stick around.
best to you
They’re forcing me to show them records. Maybe it’ll sate them a bit. Trying to wait on drinking.
Hey man, hang in there. There is always hope for a better tomorrow. I like to say nothing lasts forever, even suffering.
One thing to think about when dealing with the past is to ask yourself if you’d do the same things today as you did then. If the answer is no then you’re not the same person and you shouldn’t beat yourself up over those things.
I know that when it’s dark that it’s hard to see anything good but things can get better.
hope you are feeling better today, keep going.
I came home from work an hour ago in a TERRIBLE state of mind. I wanted revenge, I wanted to get even for perceived slights by EVRYBODY. But time heals (almost ) all wounds. I drank a soda, sat in my rocking chair, petted my cat, did the dishes and straightened the house, made my bed, turned on the heater and now I feel pretty good. Life is not all bad. I’m not magic, I don’t have a crystal ball. I don’t live a charmed live. As rougueone always says, “I’m a friend in the struggle”. But one thing I do have going for me is hope for a better future. Just like lots of people. My life is not easy. I have 24 years clean and sober. If I drank again or smoked crack again I would have NOTHING in the space of two months. I know this as fact. All I’m trying to do with this post is to show you what is possible. I’ve survived with this disease for 34 years. I’m too old to quit now. Believe me, I often feel like the worlds punching bag, but it’s often temporary. Don’t give up. STOP USING. It creates more problems than it solves. As they say in AA: BTDT. Been there, done that. I have enough perspective to see that drugs are a dead end. Drugs won’t get you a volunteer job or a college class. They will do their best to STOP you from getting those things. I hope you see the light. Good luck.