I'm not feeling well. Again

DX'd - Other
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I felt restless yesterday and woke up at 4am after a few hours of sleep this morning. I have a headache and I keep gagging like I am going to vomit. I have an appointment with my psychologist in a couple hours and I have powerlifting training tonight. I keep waking up early. Its becoming a consistent problem. I feel like ■■■■ right now, Im listening to good old Slipknot and drinking a big coffee.

I have been having some delusions for the past few days and some hallucinations here and there. The delusions are actually getting to me. I feel like my powerlifting team members and AA members know about me and somehow are reading my posts on here. I have a delusion that this girl I met is too good to be true and is a plant talking to me to keep my ego intact.

I just want to sleep. Just get away, clear my mind and hope to wake up to a dream, how my life has been since I recovered and not this waking nightmare crap I thought I was done with. I went to sleep pretty easily last night and thought it would be a good night, I was talking to a girl I met and she said goodnight and I felt pretty content with life. I was wrong, I woke up wide awake at 4 and delusional and heard the same old ■■■■■■■ people laughing at me, reminds me of when I was a psychotic drunk a year ago. I rolled around for a couple hours and chugged a beer hoping to get back to sleep. Nope. Still wide awake, racing thoughts, moderately delusional and feeling physically sick. Took my morning xanax an hour ago, nothing, just less feeling like I am going to vomit.

I am feeling like I am on the edge right now. All I feel is anger at life right now, and I am relying on it to keep my ego intact. It’s just pain. I only wear red, white and black, they symbolize rage, survival and pain. Today is all black.

I hate to admit when I am losing this fight, I take great pride in being on top of schizophrenia and making all A’s and being a competitive lifter but I have to remember that my prognosis was morbid and that I have been going on for too long not to expect a problem. Yesterday I felt cured for the most part but had some restlessness, thats normal, right now I feel sick, plain and simple.

It’s always when things are going well that I find myself back knee deep in fresh ■■■■■■■■. I just need to vent, I function extremely highly and when I fall, I fall from quite a height.

How i get back up is a crapshoot, angels and demons both have wings and I used to have a delusion that I was a metaphorical Nephilim, half-demon-half-angel, my mother used to be a nun and is non religious now but extremely kind and patient while my father carried the genes for madness and he and I have jutting chins and get irate in arguments. The last argument we had looked like two drill sergeants seeing who could yell and cuss the other one out the best. I won that one.

Anyways, sorry to bitch, this is a support forum and I feel like I could use some support. I will talk to the doc, he is brilliant, he better be his ass costs 150 an hour, he will probably fix me up. I’ve come in there in worse condition and left with my ego patched up. He focuses on appealing to my intellect and determination, Im a very bright kid and I am also very aggressive, all of this was established by the psychologist who took a week to fully evaluate me. I don’t respond to “how does that make you feel” crap or small talk, I am too bullheaded and only this one psychologist has been able to get through to me. The others made me worse or had nothing to say except “you’re tough as nails” yeah no ■■■■ you think I got that way on accident?

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It sounds like you are winding yourself up. Try to relax and take it one moment at a time. Instead of listening to Slipknot listen to something easier. Go outside and get some fresh air to try and clear your head some, this helps me maybe it’ll help you.

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I know you will feel better soon, because it’s the only option you will give yourself.

All I know is when my brother is having a glitch day, if he gets angry or wound up, it makes it worse for him. If he shuts down and lets himself reboot for a few hours and finds the calm, he bounces back much faster then he used to.

I see that your feeling angry today. Is there a way to let go of some of that anger for today? Is there a way to breath deep and focus on the stuff that isn’t making you angry? Spend some time with your pets maybe? I’ve read in the past that they cheer you up.

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Do new people/things trigger you to feel symptoms?

Also, there has to be something in the air today. Today is ass.

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I’ve got training in three hours. I just saw my psychologist, he says i need to take a xanax before bed because the one i take at 4pm leaves my system and has the opposite effect 8 hours later, so at 4am, which is on the dot when I woke up wide awake.

Problem solved. Weights to lift. My powerlifting team knows about my condition, the coach said he had posted in our facebook group that i had a condition to explain so i did my thing and was greeted with the comment “Welcome crazy ■■■■■■■■■■■■. You will fit in just right with us fruit loops” by the biggest guy on the team, LMFAO

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yeah my shrink said that “sensory overload of information” which makes most people feel tired makes me crazy. So Im gonna chill the ■■■■ out on AA and just go when I feel like it and not worry about my ex and this other girl I am talking to. The powerlifting team is good, im gonna stick with that, but everything else can just ■■■■ off and leave my french clock alone (my shrink calls my brain a french clock because he collects antique clocks and french clocks are very high maintenance and if a speck of dust is in a gear the whole thing fucks up)

I dont worry about the gay guys who talk to me a lot. Fear of women.

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I’m glad that you got it all figured out. I’m routing for you.

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Hey @mortimermouse I think that chilling out and taking it easy is a good thing, good idea. I hope you feel better, I know you will bounce back soon. Take care

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hope you are feeling better today.
take care

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I hope you get back on track. You should just realize that you can’t solve ALL your problems at one time, in one day, all at once. Prioritize. And I have to follow my own advice.Are you doing anything for fun? I’ve had at least two therapists who have told me that one of the biggest problems for people with schizophrenia is that they don’t do stuff for fun. I had a male therapist years ago who was an ex-marine and a recovering alcoholic. He based his whole therapy on helping his clients to have fun and do activities. And now that I think of it, the fact that a recovering alcoholic can become a therapist is pretty inspiring, isn’t it? 'And speaking of AA. Yes, MANY sponsors recommend 90 meetings in 90 days for newcomers. I’ve heard it a thousand times times. But it’s not mandatory to go to so many. I got clean going to ONE meeting a week, and as I found more meetings that were close to me, I slowly started going to more until I was walking or taking the bus to 5 or 6 meetings a week. I LIKED going to a lot of meetings.I didn’t have a plan for my recovery from crack addiction, I just went to as many meetings as I could. Before I got clean I had a strong obsession and compulsion to smoke crack ( I also drank, but never alcoholically) My life revolved around getting and using drugs. I HAD to use, I had no choice. I couldn’t quit on my own. I tried. I went to meetings sporadically for about a year before I started taking the program seriously but I used in between. I sat in meetings and didn’t talk to anybody. I tried to always sit in back. But in1990, I was living in a temporary Residential Treatment Home and I wandered downstairs one night and discovered that an AA meeting was taking place in the dining room. It was a small meeting, just 6 or 7 people. But I started attending it every Tuesday night at 8:00 pm to 9:00 pm. I found the leader (secretary) to be an interesting guy with some harrowing stories of alcohol, and Mexico, and guns. But he was friendly and welcomed me and I met all the regulars (and some irregulars!) and pretty soon I was not missing a meeting. I want to interject something here. AA, CA, and NA, meetings are not all doom and gloom. The people who go often have great senses of humor and can laugh at themselves and the insane things that alcohol caused them to do.They crack jokes and and can be very entertaining. Someone (maybe you mortimer. Maybe someone else on here) commented that the meeting they went to was very intense. I will say again. Each meeting has it’s own personality. Alcoholism is, more often then not, anything but funny. But stick with it, meetings can be relaxing and mellow. And MANY alcoholics and addicts are very intelligent. I mentioned the obsession and compulsion to use. The intense,overpowering craving for drugs. I will end this on a high note (no pun intended). In1990 I had been going to this little meeting in my home steadily and I had actually stopped smoking crack. And incidentally, crack is one of the most addictive drugs there is. But I was still drinking. And you are not clean and sober if you are having the occasional joint or drink. AA stresses total abstinence for a good reason. So one night after a meeting I was laying upstairs in my bed, trying to sleep. I had not smoked any crack for a month or so but as I mentioned, I was still drinking. But I was laying in bed and suddenly the obsession and compulsion to smoke crack hit me full force. I just started making plans to get some for the next day. My plan was to catch a bus to the house of friends of my parents and borrow a hundred dollars, then take the hour and a half bus trip to the city where I had always got my drugs for 4 years and buy crack. Laying in bed, I got the all-to-familiar 'anticipatory high" you get when you know you are going to get drugs soon. I fell asleep like that. But then in the morning, I woke up early and I thought," That was insane"!! And I swear that the obsession and compulsion to use was gone, it had been lifted overnight. And it has never came back. And since that day in 1990,I have not touched any drugs or had any alcohol. My only explanation for it being lifted so suddenly, abruptly, and dramatically was that that all those meetings I had went to had sunk in right when I needed it. So that’s a little of my story. My recovery after that is a whole other tale.

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Thanks nick! I am going to keep going to this group but a little less frequently, my shrink says its good for keeping me from drinking but I simply dont need to go every single day. He suggested once or twice a week because it makes me uneasy for some reason. Probably because it just makes me think of drinking…everyone is an alcoholic and talks about drinking…

But thanks for your input. I am doing it for a preventive measure, my doctors say I am not actually an alcoholic but shouldnt drink at all so I can still benefit from it

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Weird shitty day- I was not right until 3pm, I drank my preworkout drink and it cleared my headache, then I wasnt psychotic anymore shortly into the training. This team trains for 3 hours!

I talked to my doc and he said xanax has the opposite effect when it leaves the system 8 hours after you take it- makes sense, i took it at 4pm yesterday and woke up wide awake and a little symptomatic at 4am

I get so angry and think im losing it permanently when this happens…then when I am not symptomatic I am noticeably less angry and rational…you guys should have seen me when I was not on meds and a raging alcoholic. I was 3x as bad as this morning, just pissed at everything and insane all day every day, then drunk all night every night.

My shrink points out that I only feel pain now because I am far in recovery so relapses are like falling while climbing near the top of a mountain peak. I look back on what I post and im like “what the ■■■■”, I just get sick. Its like my dark side comes out or something. Like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

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Well mortimer, to tell you the truth I had my doubts that you were really an alcoholic. I didn’t think you were lieing I just thought that you didn’t know the nature of alcoholism. I’ll repeat, I am no expert on AA, CA, or NA. But I have to learn to trust myself in some matters, much as I do at work. No offense intended. But I was taught the program initially from reading The Big Book, and later having a lot of what the Big Book says verified by live alcoholics in many meetings. So I should have trusted what AA says because it has been around since the thirties or forties and AA has helped thousands upon thousands of alcoholics recover. And the founders know what they were talking about when they wrote The Big Book. They know from grassroots experience what alcoholism involves and how to help alcoholics recover.

And AA is not the ONLY way to recover, but I believe they know the true nature of alcoholism.
And here is what I have to trust myself on. And this applies to addicts too.
If you are really an alcoholic ( or addict) and you get clean in AA, then you can never drink again. Period. Or do drugs. Period. The founders knew this from helping themselves and helping many, many, other alcoholics. Here’s what else I have to trust AA and myself on. If you are really an alcoholic you cannot have the occasional drink or two. An alcoholic cannot control his drinking. It’s every alcoholics dream to be able to control their drinking. But it’s almost impossible. If you stop drinking for a period of time, say, a year, if you as an alcoholic (and by you, I mean anybody), pick up that first drink again, yoiu will be right where you were when you left off drinking. Same amounts, no control. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. If you are an alcoholic and you quit drinking for 20 years, but then you take even ONE drink (or hit) it will trigger your alcoholism. So when I hear people say,"Well I used to be an alcoholic but now I only have a drink once a week, once a month,… once a year at Christmas etc. then you are probably not an alcoholic.
Being able to have one drink and stop means you probably never were an alcoholic. Don’t get me wrong. Some of you guys may be heavy drinkers and HEADED towards alcoholism. And this sounds like you mortimer. I am DEFINITELY not diagnosing anybody as an alcoholic. I’m just trying to bring some understanding about alcoholism and addiction. I have 24 years clean. If I picked up one drink or took one hit of crack or one puff off of a joint,my disease would be triggered and it would be on. I wholeheartedly trust AA and CA a 100 % when they tell me this. And if I go back to where I left off in my drug using, I might never make it back.

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it doesn’t matter what side comes out…it’s ok,write what you need to write to make yourself feel better at the time…everybody here understands…i hope you can get some decent sleep…and just do what you can…don’t push yourself too hard…wishing you the best…

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Good luck! We’re all rooting for you!

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good luck man,your my inspiration poster in this forum,i really hope you get back to your best form and continue your recovery to excel in life

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I don’t have any great advice for you, but I hope you feel better soon.

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turn off the slipnot Repeat turn off the slipnotLol

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hope u feel better soon hunni xxx