Need Help: loosing grip on reality

@radmedtech on bad days i find cutting to help some symptoms. I am not trying to kill myself, i have no desire to die. It just helps. No I don’t think it is really important they know, and I have control over it. If a better coping method comes along I would gladly drop it. But for now it is the only thing that is helping one particular symptom.

I think there is a divide we are not just a special breed on one side, well we are and they are not. I think you are on the opposite fence

Yikes… personally i could handle such a situation and have…but NOT while driving or having to work a full time job. It’s amazing you could actually do that despite all this going on…
And, i would recommend trying to overpower or outsmart the voices, but that’s not exactly something you can do at work as it will appear you are talking to yourself and your work would suffer from the distraction.
As for med - sure they are probably some meds that can lessen all this, BUT those kind of meds are also known to make you tired, so would you be able to work at the same time?
the hallucinations while driving are a concern. Be real careful, ok? can you realize what is really there physically and what is not?

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For myself I kind of realize what is possible for myself and I’m not saying on here. I see my negatives, if I can learn to sleep each night rather than staying awake for days that would be of help me thinks. As for work I don’t think I could just get a job in the local supermarket, helping people come off medication would be good, but that’s when the big disagreement happens.

We really are two different breeds, how did it start? It must have been them, it could only be them. Who thinks it’s a good idea to put us on one planet together, I don’t mind them destroying each other but they are not going to destroy us.

@e_lunaseer I am surprised I have not had a major break at work yet, but i feel one is coming and work is getting suspicious of the amount of PTO i have already used this year… i don’t know what has changed between last year and this year but things are getting progressively worse for some reason.

The hallucinations while driving are bad but the ones that really bother me are the ones I have in public… i don’t like being around a lot of people, i don’t like being touched and I don’t like men talking to me… I know these are irrational things… the issues i have with men are from abuse earlier in my life and it is not fair that i treat all men that way but the anxiety and panic attacks that it brings i am sure disturb the voices or make them worse…

I feel like i am constantly fighting to stay positive and happy… if i let myself slip into depression or anxiety then i create a weakness for the voices and hallucinations and paranoia. I have to concentrate so much during the day to do simple things and still keep a clear mind.

I have started using a thought exercise that got me through the last two years… i treat my day like a blank canvas, and as stuff happens to me it is like paint being thrown on the canvas, when it gets too dirty to see anything clearly… i stop, breathe and clear my canvas then continue…But this method has not been working lately… it is as if I am being overpowered … the last episode i had was from being surrounded by them yelling at me and reminding me about my dad… i couldn’t get it to stop and they kept walking closer to me surrounding me and saying bad things… this is happening more and more frequently… like it will start soft and far away and if i don’t get control they get closer and closer and louder and louder until i loose it… also i have been having a reoccurring feeling of wanting to scream and not being able to and wanting to run out of my body and skin… each time that one happens the feelings of needing to escape are stronger… and i have been able to get through those episodes without incident at work so far… but i worry how much longer i will be able to suppress and ignore them… what will happen if i loose it at work… if i loose this job i loose everything… the house the car, the … i need to take care of Katie because i am the only one who can earn money… but what would help me the best is to not have all of this stress… what i wouldn’t give to not have to be the bread winner and be able to stay home and paint and have my shell to retreat to when things are rough… being forced to be in public around people and preform at a complicated and stressful job just to make ends meet is the most challenging thing i do all day… thankfully i know programming well enough to not have to think very hard to do better than my co-workers… if i loose my ability to program i am screwed…

I just want to scream and run away from everything… but how do i escape myself?

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try and fight through it. You have the option of disability but in your case it’s such a long shot. they do give disability for schizophrenia, but you’re under 50 and you have worked a job. that makes it extremely difficult to get disability.
besides, you probably make much more at your job.

You say you feel you’re being overpowered…have you tried overpowering them? It takes a lot of focus and determination, but it’s been done.

@e_lunaseer No, I am terrified of them when they get angry. I try to ignore what i can and keep myself from falling into a situation where i feel overwhelmed… but when i happens my only thought is to escape.

I think that its very likely that you have been killing your own true people all this time, how do you feel about that, that maybe the reason these spirits never praise you for your work is that they are your true god’s in total disgust and anger of what the reality really is?

@Stickman I don’t want to think about spirits, or ghosts, or gods, or anything else that is beyond reality. I don’t want to be enlightened or given any insight into anything other than how can I make my art better. Ignorance is bliss in this instance. I don’t care if spirits, ghosts and gods exist I don’t want to know anything about them. I just want to be left alone to live the rest of my life in peace without being tormented. I am a nice person, I wish no harm on anybody, I even buried a bee that had died in our house. I love people and animals (even if I am fearful of men), what did I do to deserve any of this?

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I myself don’t believe in god’s, spirits or any afterlife beings. I do feel that there is some sort of energy, we just create it ourselves. There will be no great endless bliss, you would never appreciate it if there was.

I do think it could of been started that being religion as some sort of control and conditioning for this what has been happening. It sort of backfires as you can see because you people just can’t help your-self’s and religion can bring about a force which you will never be able to beat. The seed of life is further than you can ever travel, this will be a never ending battle. You can’t beat it I bet you get good people amongst your people who just spring up.

Its the same for both sides mind

I must say for me at least it is faith in God, and the belief and knowledge of spirits and/or energies that has given me an edge over the negative things…most of the time.
But i do know the feeling when you feel trapped by something, and if its something that is with you, follows you everywhere, its hard to escape. if one can’t escape it, i find no other choice than to deal with it in whatever positive ways i can.

Hi Sasha~
Been thinking about you. Hope you are doing whatever you need to do to help yourself. Hope you don`t mind me asking–Who is Katie? Can you take a leave of absense from work? Do you have any support from family?

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Katie is my fiancée. I have no leave from work. No family.

Is your fiance able to work or help you? Were you able to find a doctor?

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@bridgecomet she is working at a part time job right now but it doesn’t make enough to cover the bills. She does not have experience in any field that will land her a job making anything close to what I do.

Also no luck finding a doc yet.

**So sorry you are having to deal with all of this. Wondering if you can find someone from the internet in your area or through your health insurance?

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Thank you, I am going to be making some calls on Monday.