I’ve been given the runaround and have tried countless medication and therapy and they have done nothing for me. To this day, I suffer with harassing thoughts, and it’s constant torture all day long. Even while I’m sleeping it all continues, and it’s been this way for years. Nothing makes it go away.
I think my situation started as part of some act of revenge on someone’s part, and I think someone did this to me and that I may be a Targeted Individual, but that’s beside the point right now. The point now is that nothing has worked to make this go away, and my life is in complete ruin because of it.
I’m unemployed and the only insurance I can get is state insurance (and this year I didn’t even get that). This left me going to a community centre and into a Psych Ward where they did nothing but aggravate my symptoms and make the problems even worse. I was constantly given the runaround, and everything they did simply wasted more of my time and did nothing to help.
They didn’t offer anything that could help, and the entirety of their treatment consisted of forcing me on one medication or another while forcing me to socialize more, be around other people, and constantly do what I was told. It was a constant attempt to get me to talk more, be more compliant, and all I did was sit there through more ■■■■■■■■ accusations as they went around continuing with all the ■■■■ from my past and with playing out and forcing me to live in the exact torturous harassing thoughts that keep getting forced into my head.
They had an obsession with getting me to say no one was doing this to me, and they did everything to further weaken my ability to resist what was happening to me and to resist all the ■■■■ these foreign thoughts try to force me to do. Everyday it was more hell, and I’m freaking out, because it’s been years and nothing is getting better.
I’ve tried natural remedies, ayurvedic medicine, Niacin, Abilify, Depakote, Risperidone, Haloperidol, Zyprexa, Lithium Orotate, Klonopin, Ativan, Trazodone, and Cogentin. Nothing has worked. Everyday, it’s the same torture, and it’s driving me mad. I can’t take it anymore! I can’t keep living like this! Something must be able to make this go away!
It’s to the point that the stupid they keep calling me is becoming the reality, and whenever I’m in the middle of doing anything, they cut me off and cause me to make mistakes until everything I do is garbage. They interrupt me even when I’m writing and find ways to constantly say I have bad grammar and that I don’t even know basic things. My creativity and spontenaeity is gone, and everyday they try to routinize everything I do, and they do everything to make everything I do painful, drawn out, miserable, and to make it impossible for me to even do the most basic things.
They’ve constantly been trying to say I’m not a good coder, and everything that keeps happening makes that the reality. I can’t even answer simple questions on interviews, and when I go to answer any questions they shut down my ability to think and all I can do is sit there saying the dumbest ■■■■. I can’t make any associations or draw any connections, and everything is either rote regurgitation or I can’t do anything at all. And even when I know something well enough to blindly regurgitate it, they do something to make me forget and anything else that completely shits on my interview and that makes me look like a fool. It’s constant misery and no matter what I do, my life just keeps getting worse. I can’t get any relief from any of this, and wherever I go, this madness keeps following me around. Everytime I go outside there’s just more of it, and when I’m sitting here, it continues. No matter what I do, all there ever is is this madness constantly calling me stupid, constantly saying there’s something wrong with what I’m doing, constantly interrupting and ruining what I’m doing, constantly making me stupid, constantly causing me to make a fool of myself, and constantly preventing me from being able to do anything.
No matter what I do, it all ends up being more garbage, and I can’t do anything other than what the idiots they keep bringing up said I was good at (NOTHING!). Everyday, all there is in my life is more of this torture that constantly repeats that everyone was right about me, and that I have no talent, and that I’m the one that’s wrong, and that I’m the one that didn’t know what I was doing. Everyday, they take anything bad that has happened to me and constantly repeat it. They constantly bring it up, and they constantly say it was all my fault, and that I’m the reason it happened to me, and that the ones that did it did nothing wrong, and that they are the ones that are the victims. Everyday, they repeat something else, and everyday, they constantly accuse me of being the worst things, and everyday, they try to get me to do something worse.
I can’t make it stop! It just keeps happening! And everyday, I’m less able to resist, and all there ever is is this same torture weakening me to make me less able to not do what is said.
I keep getting an urge to break my laptop, and I’ve already broken two other ones, and many pairs of headphones, and I’ve already punched holes in the wall and broken down doors, even though I didn’t want to, and all the idiots in the Psych Ward did was whatever would make it worse, while telling me that I need to socialize more, and go to groups, and any other completely irrelevant thing that did nothing but add more misery to my life while doing nothing to help with this problem.
I don’t know what to do, and everywhere I ask, they just keep saying the same thing: keep taking the medication, keep going to therapy. And then they say that I may not notice them working, but they are. What the hell are they talking about? I’m sitting there getting harassed everyday anyway, even though I was taking all that crap, and I should keep doing it, because even though I’m still getting harassed, I’m actually not? What kind of stupid reasoning is that? And then they say it make take weeks to notice an effect, and then weeks go by and nothing improves, then they say it may take months for things to get better, then months go by and nothing improves, then they say it may take years and that there is no cure for Schizophrenia, and that there really isn’t anything that can be done, but that I should keep taking the medication, and I should keep going to therapy, and I should keep being more sociable, and they just add more to the list of things I should be doing. What the hell is wrong with these people, and why won’t they stop wasting my time?
So now years have gone by, and all there is are the same foreign harassing thoughts saying nothing but more of the dumbest things, saying I haven’t been taking the medication for years, so how should I know if it hasn’t worked, and that I missed this dosage, so clearly I haven’t taken the medication as instructed, and that I didn’t take the medication at the same time each day, and that ruined any positive effect the medication could have.
Everyday, it continues, and everyday, I have to sit there having the dumbest things be said to me, and have to watch painfully as they force me to do all manner of things, and as I can do nothing to stop myself and can do nothing but do what they say. And everyday, it gets worse, and everyday is another day I can’t do anything but more of this same thing.
I’m 28 now, and this starting in a very real way when I was 24. I was finally getting somewhere in life, even with all the crap that was being thrown my way, but there could be none of that. Even when I tried to make something of my life and not waste the years that are supposed to be the peak, prime and best years of my life, there was nothing but more crap being thrown my way, and nothing but more people trying to insult me, put me down, hold me back, tell me I’m nothing, get in my way, and prevent me from being anything. And then after all that, this started, and the years have gone by, and the prime of my life has been completely wasted, and I can’t see my way out of any of this. Everyday, I sit and have to look at the ruin and the nothing that is my life, and no matter what I do, all there would be to see was more crap. It’s always just more garbage, and no matter where I go, all anyone ever ends up doing is insulting me, and making me out to be the worst form of human being. No matter where I go, there this harassment is, and it makes me do the dumbest things, and the worst things, and all manner of things I don’t want to do, and all it does it add more misery to my life.
I can’t live like this! I can’t take it anymore! And there’s no help anywhere, there’s just more ■■■■.
What do I do?