I’m not feeling too well. Thought about going back to the hospital and trying Clozaril but I’m not sure if I should try harder, push through it, and or find a better, more equipped hospital.
I get a lot of “trauma” from schizophrenia. I’m starting to see that I’ll never get the proper help or compensation for my problems and “delusions”. Money would be nice, but I rather just try to go back to school (some day) and get that degree in computer engineering.
I feel like I’m in hell, a dream, or something worse than hell and worse than a nightmare. Hell on earth. It never ends.
I had a normal life once and in one day I apparently destroyed my own ■■■■■■■ life in an instant.
It involves conspiracy theories, aliens, and UFOs mainly and the Men in Black – the real ones and it all started in university I think.
I strongly believe that you and I live in a computer simulation that repeats in a similar way and manner and never stops repeating. The thoughts tell me the Men in Black ruined my life and gave me schizophrenia for eternity (the thoughts say 10 years) so I’m hoping I’ll get better, improve, and possibly see a cure in my lifetime or advance to a higher plane of existence like the next dimesion.
In this dimension and reality, I always have schizophrenia and memory loss. I smoked pot 9 years ago and had a really, really bad trip and I think while I was high and traumatized, I got abducted by grey aliens and went to Mars or so I think and then I got a very, traumatic visit from the Men in Black. I even saw their craft or UFO around that time. I think I’m sort of crazy and possibly insane because it’s like PKD’s movie and book ‘Adujustment Bureau’ or something like that. I don’t know. It’s just my insane theory and belief because there’s no evidence and nobody really believes, remembers me, cares, or understands. It’s like I’m the only one that remembers and knows these things.
I call them computer simulators because I’ve been remembering things, coming back alive, and going to different realities or computer programs altogether for infinity or eternity. And I’m always messed up. It’s like a very slow, tedius process of evolution and experiment of the ‘game’.
Felt like I even escaped once before and was one of them and now I’m stuck here forever with ‘insanity’ or treatment resistant schizophrenia.
Why do I deserve this? I don’t know. Even thought they sent me back in time or through a wormhole to a parallel universe as an experiment or to cover it up. But that’s crazy and I don’t know. I initially told the doctors that I thought I was in the Matrix and went through a wormhole back in time. Life starts for me or is different sometimes before 2010/2011. I have this delusion that I keep waking up around 2011-2013 or something like on repeat for eternity/infinity.
It seems like my consciousness or soul or spirit is being ■■■■■■ with constantly like involving time travel back in time to an earlier date where my body is even more schizophrenic – like my life restarts with schizophrenia.
It feels like the Illuminati and aliens or some ■■■■. Can’t do ■■■■ except pray to Jesus and hope for a better future and life.
I also feel like moving on from these forums too.
I feel like giving up sometimes.