OK… idk what to think about that woman now…
You know what? She says, that I’ll be forever sick and alone. She says, that I don’t need a man… She says, that I need to learn to take care of me and my home mostly… to me, this sounds as a maid thing…
I am scared till death from the people still… My feet betray me around others outside still, my arms too, all my body… I go outside with the hell in my head from all the sounds and visuals outside…
And my mother hates this fear of mine… when I tell her, that I am close to faint by fear outside, she says, that I’ll faint and that I’ll get up after that 
Tbh, I think that I became a bad person with this… And I blame still myself for everything of that 
Now that my sister has cancer, my mother said, that I should start to act… But do you know that I am almost catatonic, with hellish paranoia every day between 6 and 10 pm? I can’t move, I can’t act, I can’t help the others either…
OK, I am probably still too psychologically dependent on my family and her… I am blaming myself to be alive, folks!!! Around the cancer of my sister now too… My life instincts are weak, my mother doesn’t even care that I blame myself to be alive!!!
The other story is that she was beaten by my dad all his life. Lots of emotional abuse too… and I maybe developed some sick attachment to my mom , cause she was the victim… I am more aware now of my emotional and physical dependency on her, but gosh, isn’t she tough? I still don’t want to hate her till hell though, this can be dangerous I think 
or maybe one day, I’ll hate her with the clean conscience, idk what will happen if I get free…
I still don’t want to move from my flat here though. My mother lives in the same building though… but no, with my every day catatonia, I won’t move out now. Plus, am not ready to forget eternally about my mother, am still unsure about the right feelings to her and all the situation…
But even my best ill friend today said something like that, that my family destroyed me…
Sheesh, to think that I’ll be forever alone and sick and unhappy, what mother is she???
Anyway… my family yeah…
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