I hope, that i’ll get some answers now, but yeah…
Well, some pdocs really doubt, that am a sz, they think more of a bpd…
My thing is that i had a violent father, who was beating my mom and my sister, he had crazy beliefs too, so the abuse was emotional too… We werent talking even at the house, now for example to talk for me is still an effort…
anyways… The thing is that i was already desperate at the age of 15, i was functioning like that, my mother was probably occupied to survive… They wasnt seeing, that i was a social outsider, i looked well at home…
But yes, i was unhappy for 25 years and my mother today told me, that maybe it was my fault, that i made somewhere my mistakes…
She also is the kind of mother, who says, that she would stay on the side of a justice and not on my side if i made smth bad and wrong… Tbh, i love her a lot too, she is very sensitive person and i find, that she gave me lots of love too…
But i was always different in her eyes, crazy too… She survived though to my father and even has a theory about how the people are all on a different levels of spiritual development… She thinks, that some are more evolved spiritually and that some suffer more yeap…
But yeah, i am also crazy for her, i always was it… and even if i get better, she’ll still think, that she holds the truth about me, the fact that i am mainly ill…
Anyway, i have lessons to learn still, but yeah, for my mom, my life is a failure…
You do realize that you’re an adult and that living with your mother is optional at this point?
When I was off meds for 2yrs I lived alone as i had paranoia of my family and people
I live in a separata flat than my mom’s, but in the same building…
I am still too paranoid and too sad to be around other people, i have social fears around them and some blockages still, so i see my mother for 2 hours every day, just to talk to someone…
I just dont understand how is it possible to be unhappy for 25 years, but in the same time, i know the best how was my mind and that it was only darkness there, which i didnt know how to control or reverse…
Its a pity, i was physically alone for these years… anyways… My online bf tells me that the exit is with virtues and truths now, i try this… But i’ll probably have to pardon myself, that i was so lost and bitter 
@anon67051439 , ive tried 14 aps and none of them didnt help my paranoia and my anxiety totally… I fight it on my own now, but yes, i take my zyprexa… I can be a bpd, the meds dont work well on them too…
You make similar posts like this frequently.
The number of years you’ve been unhappy and isolated have grown.
You do have some control over this situation.
You mentioned several medications,
It’s not all about that.
You have to actually put in effort.
I’ve been saying this years while watching you just get worse.
I wish you would help yourself.
i am going out now every day, charles foster…
I just am broken emotionally, its even physical in my case, i just opened my eyes at the age of 40…
I put effort now, i just had too many symptoms, which i clear now one by one…
And believe me, its very courageous to fight such a despair from hell so alone…
Everyone at my place would have gone mad with such an isolation…
I go out every day now… I just wish, that id feel more joy in my soul, but maybe am still too greedy, cause even the normies dont have that easily, i know that…
My soul literally physically feels empty, but anyway, i am working on my mental health now for sure…
So you’re just going to do the usual and complain about something without making any changes that would improve your situation?
Got it.
No, i dont do the usual anymore… i go out every day now
I’m glad to see you are taking some steps Anna. I’m truly happy for you. Don’t be shy to get outside help in your local support group. Pdoc or community nurse usually are good people to ask about it.
Oh, thanks 
Yeap, i really get busy during the day in fact, i even discover this and i do stuff yeap…
I always have some 3 painful hours in the evening, i get numb then too and somatic still and negative then, but i have a goal graved into my mind now so deep etc, thats its unbelievable heh 
My goal is to heal more, to be stronger for once, but to do it with virtues too, while i rage for example now after all lol…
I stopped raging against my loneliness too, i cant even endure yet a human presence at home at my worst, so i should be some minimum humble on that lol…
Anyway, i fight as hell now and now the fight is to open my eyes too, cause i was numb as hell from pain before…
I just wondered today how is it possible to be unhappy for so long, but i guess that this is an illness yeap…
At least, i respect more now the others etc and my mother is right, that i should fight for the happiness, i guess i should give to have lol yeap, i was passive before, i know… 
All tyhe best to you, Genesis too!!! 
I’ll take my klonopin now, am all shaky and weak now, my evening thing yeap…
I also hangout with friends everyday but still feel like ■■■■ not like before sz, its the anhedonia nothing feels good even if i won the lottery, the only thing that make me feel good are stimulants or supp that increase dopamine but they also give me psychosis
Before sz even doing nothing laying in bed felt much better! Sleep felt much better too. More happiness more emotions
Thanks Anna 
Sounds like a lot of progress to be honest. We can do this 
I believe in you and I believe in myself. And at the same time you motivate others. Keep up the spark going. 
I also have struggled for decades and have sz and bpd and a difficult dynamic with my mum. What i say to myself is im doing the best i can personally and regarding my mother, i am opposite to her and i never wanted to be like her , thats the truth.
No child becomes the same person as a parents its impossible. Everyone is beautifully unique. So try not to criticise yourself for being unique.
I know its a battle being different, its hard, i struggle with a lot too. All the best and congrats getting out of your flat more
I’ll rewatch this now after years… Barfly trailer - YouTube
Tbh, maybe am just a fool… I always looked for my troubles in me, i always blamed myself, i even often think, that am just a bad person and i just start to have enough…
All my ill friends have some lives and they complain for even less, while i wasnt even kissed by a man at the age of 41 now…
Its sad to live without love… I probably cant love very well on my turn too, tbh, i think this is often even the core of the illness, but its not even our fault either, dont get me wrong, idk what you think on that heh?..
Probably just we all here been through lot… I had a terorrist father etc, who put me awful beliefs in the head…
But yeah, i lately can be angry from some injustice, thats all, pardon me that pls, i need to express myself somewhere too… 
One friend just told me, that what happened to me, is that they smashed my soul yeah…
Anyway, should forgive, forget maybe, forgive myself too and move on now…
Tbh for those who still judge me, its also very hard to move on with a conversion disorder… I literally lose control over my body every day, i have some internal pains because of it (no matter, that their origin is in my mind still), plus i probably cant feel much of positive emotions, so am anhedonic no matter what etc… But the conversion disorder is awful too, even when i feel better, i remain a disabled person with it…
On the last note, i’ll fight as hell still, i want life now, i got now that life can be sad and hard too sometimes, but i have determination and hope now
Aldous Huxley said though to ‘‘walk and do all the things lightly’’ though, not to push, i lacked for years the peace of mind, to be relaxed and just cool too, while all my family was pushing me way too hard into some quite matrix-normies things , but its like this…
But yeap, maybe i need hugs and kisses and the rest, while i forgot about that since 10 years lol, everyone would go mad at my place…
anyway, am going to watch my movie now, hehe, Bukowski is good hah 
You are not alone fighting the daily fight
I hope you might get some comfort and peace
You are not alone even though pushing people away can be the easiest thing to do it is hard on our souls
@Anna1 I’m glad the fog is finally starting to lift for you. Try not to take some of the criticism you’re receiving on here seriously. Sometimes you can be too Ill to do much about your situation. I’m glad that that’s not the case for you anymore .
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