Ok, so hi all!!!
I wish i could find a bit of support here, idk… I try to participate in the forum, but i was very sick, believe me, plus isolated and alone for long, this would have made anyone quite sick… 
Anyway, my point is that i fight now. I got in the past lots of criticism, that i dont try, but now i do… The truth is that i do it in my tempo, i suffer even physically too, its not fun…
I have problems at home though, just my old mother, for whom all my pdocs said, that she is quite authoritarian and obsessive. She pushes me real hard and when i tell her, that am scared, shte just gets angry…
Tbh, they say, that once you are in peace, you cant be bother by pretty much nothing… I admit, that i can boil isnide of me from long repressed anger, irritability etc but at least now, i know that am better than that and that i was having more than that too, even when i was mute…
My point is that i still end up by being in the fists of the fear still, even around my mom, i lose even the capacity to stand on my feet, so sometimes i run away still…
My question is if its a classic for a paranoid schizophrenic to be so scared? I push though now, but for example, around my fears today, i ended up totally to not understand an inch of the info around me… I wasnt understanding nothing about what was going on around me etc…
Once, in one of my hospitals, i saw a lady, who was hiding behind the dorr around every passenger from outside, i feel like her on my inside… The thing is that on the outside you cant see that, i sometimes dont even talk about it, but its here…
Idk if you were so scared too? Some people still blame me for that and i start to ask myself if they are good to me for that…
I come from a place, where my father was smashing the face of my 13 old sister against the wall, until she has blood from her mouth etc and it was always like this until his death…
Ok, i attach two quotes from Jung here, cause i now try to have hope, i know now that life is better than what i had before, but i am still scared yeap… My point is, that maybe i am on some kind of crosspoint now, thats my hope, thats why i still endure the pain, but you guess, that this can be tiring…
You need a trigger warning where you talk about your sister’s abuse. That was hard for me reading that, because i was also abused.
Please break up your sentences and add a trigger warning, so the next person reading it doesn’t flash back like I just did. 
You have done so well to manage getting an education in nursing .(same Anna?)
Having an authoritarian obsessive mother would be horrible and difficult.
I am so proud I sometimes stood up to mine.
She can be scary.
Do you live by yourself or with your mother?
Can you try standing up to her or avoiding her and not have contact so often.
“My family “ suppress and intellectually attack me etc so I avoid them.
How to add a trigger warning now? It doesn’t allow me to edit… @Bowens , can you add this please?
Ok, I’ll try to not go in details from now on…
Well, i have no head lately i find… i am delaying now the take of my klonopin for later , even these small hours off it in the evenings, affect me these last days…
@Truemist8 , its the other Anna who is a nurse 
me, i find myself sick since kid, i had just a bachelor in sociology from France…
But yeap, i am very scared lately, do i wake up, i wonder? 
I fibd myself numb also after that today… 
I live in a separate flat from her, but in the same building…
i am afraid of the others still, am quite severe, i rely on my mother still, but she is a company too and i still love her a lot…
I would be quite alone without her, am still avoiding the others, thats all… am mentally dependent on her too i find…
I can have a bpd as well though, i have some age regression, maybe that explains my need for her yet…
Take care 
Trigger warning added as requested.
I think you need to find a way to not dwell on all the negative events
My drs call me sza - depressive type, and paranoid sz. (Possibly sza bipolar type). I’m scared all the time. Super scared. It’s hard to leave my home. I do it now, but it’s really hard.
I have PTSD from being physically abusived by my ex… I can get very scared… I don’t know how ill feel when I know the protection order comes to an end… That’s a scary thought and it’s only in 5 or 6 years from now… IDK what I’ll do then
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