So ok, since a time i work on my thinking… I try to make it more positive, more virtous too…
But i am still tempted by the chaos i find 
I even feel, that i’ll lose my power if i leave behind the bad… I am not even sure, that the others are healthy only when virtous?.. Ok, with this, it was maybe the war in my head, without seeing the truths… Right now, am in pain, i just try to chase away the evil in me …
But i’ve lost faith in the others too i find now… its hard to develop on that, i am a bit ashamed to share here , that i think, that my best sz friend probably slept with my ex and this is a game changer… One other friend told me, that its a bit normal to be slightly paranoid in life heh… Ok, well, maybe the others function as me a bit too, right? sorry, i ask strange questions, but ive lost the others long ago so i ignore now how they function… I just have two ill friends left, to whom i talk now, only to them mainly and they are erratic as well… Idk why this bothers me, i sometimes feel less loved than them…
Anyway, i guess my way is on the way of the virtues and the truths, right?
My chaotic thinking affected me physically too, who else? I guess i suffer, cause i am just wrong now, isnt it?..
anyway, a bit scared that i wont do it anymore intellectually and emotionally, but i want it now lol 
Its just hard for me now to retain myself from a bad thinking, my meds never repaired my thoughts, idk if this is rare?..
Take care all, i took my klonopin just now, maybe my spirit will lift in a few lol…
i guess, that now, i am just torn between the bad and the good in me and i still dont want to give up on the bad, cause i was used to it… i fight with that now, but is it my job now if meds didnt work?
i guess i am not alone lol…
No one’s perfect. But self improvement is a good thing. Just don’t expect to change overnight
Oh, thank you…
Yeah, i share here for the first time, that i had my vices in my illness… I was blaming myself for decades for them and i even turned mute because of that, i wasnt telling it even to my pdocs, who kept asking what do i feel and me, saying nothing, cause i was feeling guilty, but i pardoned myself a bit lately 
I had a terrible childhood, maybe a terrible father, my mom who was beaten so she became sad too in life…
Yeah, now i do the work on my thinking all alone… I was also blind for the truths in life, while my online bf talks to me a lot about them, he tries to pull me out…
But is this sz too - to feel almost evil things? 
… sheesh, its a lonely thing yeap…
But you are nice to me to tell me to be patient yeap… My thinking was numbed for years on the wrong path… I still fall into the abyss i find… But my brain is working a lot, i think still a lot even when its a bad thinking…
Yeah, i saw on internet one other sz guy, who reminded me of me, cause he too had no physical illnesses, but his motricity was sooo bad, because of his thoughts… i didnt know even before, that thoughts can affect the body… I have conversion disorder now since years…
But thank you a lot again, i guess i should aim the heights now? Maybe i developed a bpd as well…
The other thing is, that i feel a lot the pressure from my family and my friends to be well already, but i was totally lost and sick for 30 years, so it’ll take time yeap…
My pdoc said, that i am a severe case lol… But he didnt offer more meds the last time, ive tried way too many too in my hospitalizations… He just said, that without the zyprexa, i’ll be even worse, in my bed probably…
Hugs
This topic was automatically closed 95 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.