Ok and thats the truth too… My emotions were burried for decades, i was almost a dead soul even, totally desperate, walking through life as a ghost, as blind i guess…
For him, this is entirely my own responsability though… well, i guess he still loves me, but this truth puts me to tears now…
The other truth is, that i fight just since an year or two… I try to change all that… No matter, that my pdoc said, that you cant beat sz with efforts… Tbh, my psyche was destroyed… But i was always rational too… But i still believe in my efforts a bit… I take my meds though too…
I guess, that sz is for life yeap, but maybe i’ll get to the point, where i can feel happier too, right? 
idk…
Yeah, the truth hurts… I have many ill friends irl, they werent boiling from so much bad emtoions as i did it in my condition…
anyway… We need only love and care i guess yeap… Maybe its my time to cry now, i was unable to cry too for years… we’ll see…
Its hard, that the meds dont take away my bad feelings, idk why, but i am left to try some other alternatives, cause we’ve tried all possible meds for 10 years… I gave up on that too…
Take care all!!!
I have been in a bad mindset since my last episode, really weird because i was super manic
I was in bad mindset the last 20 years… I ■■■■■■ up my life, but anyway…
I am starting to be in pain now in the evening as usual, i’ll be numb later too, i know it…
Its in my days here, where i am trying to achieve some better state yeap…
I can see you are in pain. Emotional and physical it seems. You are bright, you express yourself and your feelings very well, and you are trying hard. I wanted to recognize that.
Oh, thank you @Here4You 
Well, it still feels like my pain is my responsibility still, idk… My evenings are always worse than my days though…
But i was chronically unhappy since kid, it ended up by making me crazy i guess… 
My sz is special, yeap, its physical too, you are right. I am dx with conversion disorder, thats why… Its possible, that i have now bpd traits too…
My biggest concern is, that i am left a bit on my own to deal with my suffering, idk if i’ll have the strengths though… We’ve tried all possible meds for 10 years, none of them didnt help much, i just take them for maintenance, cause without the zyprexa, i stop eating and sleeping.
I guess, that i just have a smashed psyche now, my current pdoc says, that my issues are psychological now, so i am trying with efforts, but idk if i’ll do it like that, thats it… Do you believe in the efforts to make better some mentality?
anyway, thanks for the understanding, dont worry, i’ll continue trying. Idk how is it possible too to carry all the time some fear in my body and soul, but i am changing now too i find… Maybe i’ll get to a point, that i’ll be a bit freer, i hope so Hugs
I think you’re being too hard on yourself. No one is perfect. Just do the best you can in life. If you do that you can always feel good about yourself. Sz is not your fault. The only control and responsibility you have is to always take your meds and always be honest with those in the medical field who treat you. That way, they can try to help you feel better
Hi @CoCo! Am not sure anymore, that only the meds will put me out of my hell… One pdoc even honestly told me, that they gave me way too many meds… Ive tried way too many, for real and i did only that for 10 years… My ex pdoc stated, that she cant help me more and that i’ll always suffer in which i try to not believe anymore…
One of my symptoms was the total despair, it still gets me, so i try to change my thinking now…
The pdoc who said, that i took way too many meds told me, that the sz dont have those kind of sufferings… I can be a bpd in fact too, with paranoia though… I was diagnosed once as a bpd…
My thinking is real bad still, dear… I can be either way too numb or way too lost… Idk if i’ll manage to change my thinking with my efforts, but am changing already in a way… But nope, not a single med didnt make me happier, nope… They didnt work fully on my fears either, i had enough…
I am probably not only a sz, but smth else, thats what i think lately, idk…
We had lots of terror in my family from my father, he died from some kind of psychosis too… Yeap, i turned hard on me and the others, i know… The zyprexa is my med though, the other aps just make me crazier tbh… I take klonopin and benadryl too… I guess i am ill psychologically now… When you are too long in the hands of the fear and the grief, you really get sick… This was my case… Idk, i dont see often my current pdoc anymore… He didnt even offer me more meds, knowing my history with them… He thinks though, that i am quite passive, because of my fear though and he says, that the zyprexa helps a bit… One other pdoc was saying to me, that i’ll recover in years, not in months…
Idk if efforts will work in my case, but i have no other choice than them now, you know… Tbh, this is a bit scary, but its my fear still talking now i find lol…
DBT therapy is very helpful to people with BPD. See if you can find it somewhere so you can get the help you need.
Talk to your treatment team and see if they agree it would be good for you
Nowadays peeps are obsessed with “vibes.”
It used to just be common amongst the California folk— usually meant to describe chillness or good-naturedness, even good waves and weather— but it’s since spread globally to the point I’m sure Webster’s Dictionary will include the updated definition— if they haven’t done so already.
The whole “good vibes/bad vibes” when referring to people is somewhat damaging, IMO— especially when that person may have mental illness and can’t control their “vibes.”
“Like yea, Sally gives off bad vibes.”
Yea, that’s because Sally is in a depressive episode right now and the rose quartz ain’t working no more, brah.
These peeps going around “vibe-checking” others without understanding them first are actually the ones giving off bad vibes, being all “holier than thou” and preemptively judging folks just living their lives.
It’s okay to get bad vibes from somebody— peeps won’t click with everyone— but saying somebody is vibing negatively while they also suffer from mental illness is just perpetuating stigma and furthering some unhealthy mental wellness ideal.
…Now, if you will please excuse me, I gotta go sit lotus-style and stare into the sun for 35 hours to up my vibes and get rid of SZA.
Everyone has good and bad in them. Just feed into the good
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