I’m about to let it all out. So basically my life sucks. I’ve been in this depression for months now. I lost my job, car, apartment, and girlfriend all around the same time of my last psychotic episode. I’m back to living in my moms house, i’m in unimaginable debt, my mom has a daycare and another job she works at night. Since I had to come back, it was only right that I have to help her with her daycare. So I watch kids all day, I can’t begin to tell you how bad that is. There’s this one baby who cries everyday around the same time, she gets feed and changed, the problem is she’s just a spoiled baby and wont stop crying until she cries herself to sleep. This is everyday… at the same time. Not only am I struggling to watch a bunch of kids, I have to stuggle with those empty feelings that question why I didn’t pull the trigger (not trying to get this post removed ,but that is honesty) I hate feeling sorry for myself, so I try not to think about how my mom is doing so much to provide right now, and i’m doing nothing. And not to mention i’m about to come up on a week where I got to go without my meds, and I have no idea what stupid thing i might do in that time.
I’ve seen your art and your posts. You have a lot to contribute. You are here helping people like me see the beauty in life again. That is no small feat. I personally have seen your purpose as being worth it as it has helped my own life. I hate to be selfish, but, I needed that, and my family needed that so that I could wake up and be there for my daughter and infant son. You have touched lives that you aren’t even aware of.
You’ll be okay bruh. I bet you got life in front of you, much time to bring changes, the world is like a blank canvas, it’s just that sometimes you don’t have the right tools to paint what you want on it. Just wait and try to be positive, good things shall come your way. Places, cars GF’s, all this can be replaced with even better stuff down the way. 
I was in a crisis home about a month ago, I met a girl around my age and we became good friends while we were there. We talked about a lot of stuff, and one of them was me being a selfless person. I’ve always been told I have one of the best personalities. But in my mind I do selfless acts because I just think its right that I do it. The conversation we had came to a point where I told her that it felt like I was just here to make people happy at the cost of me being miserable. I’ve helped my brother hundreds of times when he was in a bad situation, but now it seems like when things are turned around that I dont get the same favors that I once handed out. This kinda example is why I have become pessimistic about the decision I now make.
I have a difficult relationship with my father, partly because we are so alike. One thing I like about him, however, is that we used to have these long thought provoking conversations (or at least we thought they were thought provoking). I remember one time we were talking about Alfred Nobel. Nobel invented dynamite and was an arms dealer but he was also a pacifist. After his brother died and they mistakenly thought it was him a newspaper was published describing him as ‘The Merchant of Death.’ This disturbed him and on his death bed he left most of his money to the establishment of the Nobel Peace Prize.
What we talked about was what people are responsible for. Some people take responsibility for nothing. Some people take responsibility for everything. But to live an honest and unfettered life, you have to be able to discern what is something that you can control and what is something you can’t.
Sometimes your life is bad and it has nothing to do with your actions. Sometimes you can make all the right choices and still fail. That is unfortunately how life works. The key is to keep working to make things better so when you do have a chance to make a difference you can.
Also, as a side note, (You may already have read it and I apologize if you have) Someone started a post where people listed the simple, small joys they have in their lives. I found it rather inspiring. I’m sure you have those small joys too despite your less than ideal circumstances. It might help to focus on those as well.
Nothing or nobody is worth killing yourself for. Things can change. I see you have lost a lot but there
is an old AA saying, “Don’t quit ten minutes before the miracle happens”. I have been through periods where I had nothing and was very sick. I hung on and things got better.
Why do you have to be with out meds?
It’s hard getting back on our feet after a huge set back. It’s even harder being patient with ones self. You just went through a very large life change. Give yourself some time to find the level ground. It’s hard watching the family take on more because we just don’t have it in us to do for ourselves for a bit… but it will get there.
I’m sure you Mom does love having another pair of eyes and hands to help with all the babies. It’s no easy task taking care of so many. You’re Mom loves you and is willing to include you in the family.
You’re brother… he might just be a taker. I have one brother like that. I hate it… but i just have to not worry about him. I’ve been building a better relationship with my other brothers to make up for it.
You are a very talented person. It’s a very rough patch right now I’m sure… but if you are feeling that down and just can’t get up… you might want to talk to you doc if you can and find a way to get on some meds that will help with any mood glitches.
As you might already noticed the financial system of this world provides no guaranteed future. You can accumulate wealth and all of a sudden they just simply gone. Now is the best time to think about the future. What you want? What do you want from want? My advice is to seek long lasting future.
My doctor cant get me in until next Friday, even after I explained to them that my prescription ends on the 31st. They told me another way was to walk in and wait, but to see the replacement doctor isn’t guaranteed that I will see him even if I wait. Also the answer to my sister’s age on the other topic is 10… Thats why i’m not so worried about it now seeing that she’s so young.