Yeah, no one understood i guess why i dragged myself in life without living for 20 years…
I take religiously my meds still, one pdoc was saying, that i’ll get better in years maybe, not in months…
Lately, i calmed down my demons tbh, but i grieve also for my lost years etc… i was sick all my life. I also dont know why not a single guy didnt ever like me or tried to be next to me… My ill girlfriends had numerous bfs, who tried to help them…Maybe i was frozen to love, i have my somatic disorder as well, who is quite crippling still…
I still suffer from guilty conscience etc, i try to forgive to myself…
But gosh, i probably made mad my poor mom, my last friends etc…
I dont blame myself anymore of my specific mi, cause i know that i was in hell not by my fault… Not many had my father, he destroyed us, maybe i was weaker than my sister too…
The point is that i dont want to lose everyone right now, i still get disabling symptoms, but maybe i was annoying as hell, yeap… 
I’m sorry you feel this way. I don’t have any magic words to help you feel better. In regards to having romance in your life, do you join things, go out, work, or volunteer? Those are all things you can do to meet people.
Thanks, but i come from far, zmagal… I didnt even talk since kid, i am learning even this now and talking only is an effort to me… I also have chronic paranoia still, which made my iq oppressed, the docs said it…
I cant work yet, cause i sometimes cant even move from psychosomatics and fear and negatives, but i am fighting now yeap… I go outside every day, helpping my mom, i try to talk to my friends now etc etc…
But i am 40 years old and never a guy wanted me in his life… My ‘‘best’’ friend said in my back, that the men dont like me, cause i am ugly… My mother thinks, that i didnt have partners cause i couldnt even talk or interact physically… But imagine what is to live in this shell for 40 years, just knowing, that this is crazy and hellishly lonely etc??? I saw the hell for long…
Now i protest less againt my loneliness, i even need it in my worst. I now find pleasures even at home… While hoping, that i’ll start to feel differently and now i change for the better every day…
I just dont know how all my ill friends had partners, while the guys dont like me at all usually… anyway, am complaining again, but i was very lonely yeap…
And yes, i have to work also now to be just a better person, this too yeap…
one third if life too i had this mi
about 12.5 years now
i feel the same
sorry for you and wishing to you good luck
I’m sorry you’re going through so much.
It not hard to find a partner. It is much harder to keep him long term…
My longest relationship was 2.5 years and at the end she cheated on me.
My shortest relationship only lasted 1 month. She said I wasn’t a good kisser. Lol.
It is a great thing that you fight to improve your life. I am sure that it would also be helpful to you if you saw a psychologist. Talk therapy and CBT. You say you don’t talk. A psychologist could help you break the shell and learn to express yourself, learn what you want, what you don’t want, and ultimately, who you are.
Sending you hugs.
Thanks Andrey 
oh well, ive seen therapists… I also have one online boyfriend now, but now i want too much from him, to be already with me lol, which is probably shitty… I talk now, but its quite crazy things what i say still i find…For me, the question of the Love is not solved yet…
You also probably see all my jealousy towards the others, who have lives, i am quite ashamed by this too, but i have no choice than to swallow it i guess no? 
I probably couldnt feel much inside of me for long, now i take all the life that comes to me, but its a mess still…
Yeah, at my 20s i was already not pretty anymore, while i had the potential as everyone… But i was in so much suffering, my father trashing till blood from their mouths my mom and my sister, i couldnt even speak that i am in pain, they were noticing nothing either, while i was already a weirdo… So yeah, i was ugly for long. The meds made me worse also for some time… Ive tried 14 aps, which werent even helping much… I knew the sedentary for the last decades too…
But it was hard to see this ill friend of mine taking from me some guys, who were trying to flirt with me… Did i just lack love so its a turn off for a long term relatioship? Cause i lacked it, yeap… I was just having my bad thoughts etc…
I’ll work on myself now. Now i wouldnt be pleased even if i had Brad Pitt for me here lol, some kind of anhedonia still and lack of feelings… This online boyfriend now is cool to me Andrey. But maybe he doesnt even love me, while i still push and dream the love…
Anyway.
We can do it still lol Its just that i was a zombie for 25 years, i say it always i know, but it was very tough folks…
Maybe i can write a book about my experience one day, it was a lot lol heh… Thank you daddy, youve destroyed three women, for real!!! 
In the same time, my mother says, that my sz is not due to him, but it feels like this…
Theres also my mother too in fact, you know…
She keeps saying, that i dont need a partner, that they could get my flat instead, that 99,9% of the women are alone etc etc… She told me in the past, that i’ll be forever alone and sick… Idk why she talks like this… Maybe she wants to ease my urges but idk… So i am alone with my loneliness in a way… She would have accepted some partner of mine only if i am well and docile i guess…
My ill friend doesnt have this at home… They encourage her to look for guys etc… My mother says the opposite stuff…
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