Well, its not even deeply in me, that i need it…
I never had a serious relationship. I am 40 years old and the time is flying… And i can get still jealous, that the others have somebody who loves them 
… Its hard…
I have 2 ill girlfriends, they always had guys… And they wonder very much why i dont look for one… One of them even told me, that she would have killed herself in my place… Which wasnt a thing to say to me…
I just feel way too symptomatic still… When my somatics get me, i prefer to be alone… I also can experience aversion still from sex or i often have irritability towards everyone almost… I am on the way too to accept my disabled state too… Cause i had my ambitions before, but its still new for me to know myself as a person with a serious condition heh…
Tbh, even my mom wants me more open on my relations with the men… She advises me to seek for someone else, who is disabled too… She says to me, that i cant find someone who is very healthy etc… Its not the USA here, you know… I live in a very patriarchal society, where the men are rarer, they seek for the best if i can say so… Healthy, skinny, active women, who can give birth, work etc etc…
My mother also told me, that in my place, she would seek just for sex only and continue being active as much as she could in fact… Yeah, she is very pessimist about me on finding a decent partner, who will respect me…
But i dont even seek for one now. Now, my goal is to accept my illness and get a bit better on my symptoms… Tbh, i even dont know if i am purely heterosexual etc…
But its hard that even my mom sees me as way too damaged for a good partner… She uses this word, yeap… sad i’ll say… 
I just feel thick lately to be so closed on the guys… And all my girlfriends are good to remind me that… am sad and boiling from inside now…
I am realizing, that i was putting myself my own limits, which was killing me… But only me knows how my legs give way under me the half of my day, cause i somatize…
Yeah, am too closed on sex now, so i am a turn off for everybody… i am too closed on expectations and i still can be hurt by simple words from somebody, to whom i can be engaged…
anyway, am boiling now, am mad to my situation yeap…
I really am boiling now from anger lol…
I wake up just now or what? I was alone for 30 years, folks, 30 years…
My soul was sick, my heart too, my mind and body too… But i am angry to my friends now… That one shouldnt have said, that she would have killer herself in my place…
I even cant know much still which guy i like? How to start a relation like that?
Yeah, maybe i have had lost my humanity somewhere on the road… No matter, that i tried my best for all this time lol…
But i am alone, i probably became a soldier, not a lover yeah…
It just hurts now, thats all… am unhappy…
That’s not a nice thing to say.
Really that’s indicative of someone who literally is one of those people who couldn’t cope by themselves for 5 mins.
Well, not everyone is going to find a partner, and for whatever reason you have been one of those people up until now. That’s not to say it will never happen!
Make sure you do find someone who’s respectful though, as I understand it that a lot of people end up in very unhealthy relations with others (Maybe even on both sides)
My view is better off alone than with someone who’s not decent and respectful as a minimum!
I know the feeling.
I am glad you see that, but it’s more a comment on her than you - but I’d still take it personally as well. Be hard not too
Not at all. I think having some sort of mental illness (In theory) makes us a bit more aware of these things
I know for sure that I was never thinking about other peoples hidden issues - whether mental or just life stuff. Perspective enhances your humanity, and there is nothing in your posts I have seen that would suggest you don’t have that.
Thank you, joker, your words help me 
Yeah, i ended up today by literally boiling, that i am in a passive situation, with all my past, which could have been better… The lost years etc…
But anyway… Many struggle as me… I hope, that you’ll feel better too, real better lol! 
I start to get numb now, as every evening still…
My mom told me, that i should do some activity, when i get angry like that now, but i just sat on my couch, smoked and cried a bit… But i was unable even to cry before, those are the worst states… 
I forced myself to take my shower, thats all… I still blame myself for my ‘‘stupor’’ lol… I still dont put my bad feelings into action, but maybe even this still is some path, cause i am changing lately my vision on the life yeap… 
I also ignore still if i am only a sz or if i have a bpd too… The bpds tend to cpmplain a lot, but its another hellish mi too, sad… I just took my klonopin, it stoned me a bit.
Stay well, Joker, i read you often here 
I want to help more the community here one day around my experience with the mi, cause ive learned more now, but i am still a bit of a rollercoaster for the whole day lol… I have 10 different states in a day, thats all.
Kay, lets continue trying, Joker! And you are a charming boy, dear ,
Yeap, my friend is a sz too, she is lost too, but i was depending on her before way too much, maybe its my mistake…
Oh, i watch these days the 5th season of The handmaid’s tale, i am bedazzled by it, it can be shocking per moments lol 
All the best, lots of health!!!
This topic was automatically closed 90 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.