Is it a coincidence that I went schizophrenic as soon as I started to think that everybody is potentially gay? Or is there just something in my mind that disagrees to the extent that I was driven to madness and hallucination. Something at the core of myself that just wouldn’t tolerate such a philosophy, so it create a hell for me to straighten out in. The first thing I always here everyday is the telepathic statement “We’re straight people.” Perhaps it is so believable to me that it is real because I feel I must come accross some resistance when holding such a belief.
I’m drawn to universal bisexuality because of the fairness it provides on a fundamental level. Everybody has a chance at being straight. No one is born gay. Really I’m somewhere in the middle either way. I used to love the idea of a woman companion, but this image has worn. Now I don’t really pursue or desire sex at all.
I’m drawn to universal bisexuality because of vengeance. There are some straight people out there who have made me question my sexuality and I think it is only fair that they in the end question theirs. To be straight without question is a psychological goal of mine. To imitate all those who I see who are so comfortable with themselves. Perhaps I can fake it until I make it. Typing this document probably does not help, but alas I am bored and can not think of anything else to do.
They tell me they are straight people. They even tell me I’m straight too. It’s like they are always reading my mind. They definitely call me out when I have a gay thought or feeling crop up. There is even worse things in my mind these days, that which they also notice. It is sort of their fault. They telepathically called me a pedophile for a month straight. That is everyone I came into contact with for a month. My mother, my father, my siblings, and all the strangers that crossed my mind. Now I can’t even look at kids without wandering if I’m going to be aroused. I would never act on any impulse or even really dwell on them, but it is certainly awkward, real or not. They also call me incest. It was never my intention to have sex with my family members. These are some of the hells of Schizophrenia. They tell me its not real, but the telepathy continues on. I miss the way things were before all this went down. If only I had not been such an avid pot head.
This is a continuous thing. Day in day out. Continuously being called incest in the presence of my family members and a pedophile in the presence of children. Gay in the presence of men. Straight in the presence of women. It is a mind ■■■■ and a half and really makes me regret having a dick.
The truth is I am most wholly unaroused. Porn doesn’t even do anything for me. I think I can blame the meds for that in part.
On good days it is not real. On good days I have the illusion of control over it. On bad days it all becomes too real to me. I get delusional.
Instead of running around in bisexual colors and symbols I just take it and suffer. I’m a schizophrenic and that is my experience. God help me find a way out of this, I use to be so innocent. Now I’m continuously disgusted by myself and untrusting to anyone around me. God was it you who did this to me?