Feeling recovered


It has been a rough couple of weeks with good and bad times but today I have a feeling of peace and acceptance of everything. I still believe that most people can see through me, that I’m a thought broadcaster. A byproduct of drugs and effort there was a while when I wanted my voice to be heard without talking then they started talking back. They do little things every once in a while sometimes they make very blatant statements all to support the reality of thought broadcasting and persecution. I have accepted it it just won’t stop. They are in fact straight people in reality there are very few people who are bisexual. I wish I could find them and connect with my kind they are the only ones who I can imagine that don’t make a black and white divide between straight and gay. This might all seem irrelevant to you all but it has been a real struggle for me especially with the telepathy. For some people it is a choice and I’m a straight bisexual orient. Just gay enough to know I’m different than everybody else. My life is so complicated and dissapointing. I tried coming out and they just put me back in the closet and this whole persecutory psychosis started. For a while I was trying to figure out how to be straight and I think I’ve got a good picture of what it is like in their minds, but it’s just not me. They you can’t change your sexuality and I have come to agree with that. As much as I try to suppress and forget hoping it will change me I still get the anxious moments where is very clear that I’m not just straight. I find men attractive and I get nervous. I really don’t want to have sex with them. It’s not disgusting or anything. I just prefer friendship to sexual relationships. As far as love goes I think I could only fall in love with a woman. To me it just seems so pure and righteous. The gay stuff is more like a replacement for masturbation. Very shallow and lustful. And I’m really not that lustful of a person. I have been in the past back before the psychosis. With all those teenage hormones. For me now it’s more about love. My life is so lonely in that regard. I have friends and family but that doesn’t fill the void. Here’s to hoping that this illness won’t detract from me being able to attract a girl. For me it the only real escape from the cruel reality of world where I’m born different from most people. I really hate that the slightest expression of interest or more suceptability to being homo makes people think of you as nothing more than a homo or a closet homo. Really all this ■■■■ is probably just in my head, but at least I’m not delusional anymore. There are whole lot of truly straight people in this world and its not their choice. They aren’t evil though I fear they made me a schizo just for questioning them. They are not evil they are just straight.


@BryanAshley, are you currently on medication? I forgot.


Yeah man risperidone. I should probably try a different med but I’m getting comfortable either way.


Why do you want to try a different medication?


Because this ■■■■ does nothing to stop this scenario that has become my life. I think I’m having a good day but I’ve entered into a new realm of thought and self perception. Voices seem to have less of a grip here. I just can’t believe this has happened to me.


F*ck schizophrenia.


Lol that’s all we can say


Yeah man. I had a pdoc one time tell me this is a minimum of a 40-year illness. I’ll get over it, at the earliest, in my 50s or 60s. Sucks. My sz was trauma-induced. How about yours?


It was complicated drugs were involved. A lot of stress and long hours at work. People calling me gay or maybe it was just paranoia then the telepathy started and well then the voices which I still don’t understand.


Hello BryanAshley

I am a straight male but I am secure with my sexuality. I have thought of sex with men but that is out of curiosity nothing more. The voices create your insecurity about this and make you question yourself, be strong, be gay, be straight who cares. The more you are secure with yourself the less ammunition and power they will have over your mind. Good luck to you.



Yeah I’ve tried just accepting it but it doesn’t stick. Your right though it all stems from insecurity wish I could have nipped this in the bud years ago. Thanks for the response.


Coping with a horrible, confusing illness and issues with your sexuality at he same time must be a real head ■■■■! There’s nothing wrong with being bisexual, and hopefully it will stop being any sort of issue for you once the voces are.more under control :slight_smile:


Yeah thanks man it’s always good to hear that being bi is ok. I mean when I just accept it and move on I find I’m pretty straight. It is more just a questioning phase I’ve been in that I didn’t really get to sort out because the onset of this illness.