My cynical side

It’s hard for me to not be corrupted as I grow older. I have personally known a few people who I thought had good hearts turn mean. My ex-brother-in-law for one. Good looking, cool, guy. Social, hard worker, likable. Always kind of a had a sardonic, dead-pan way about him ever since I first met him in 1985. But my middle sister once said, yes but he has a good heart. And I could see that. He is my age but I slowly saw him turn defensive and mean with time. I can only think of one person who was consistently nice a long as I knew him even when he was in his 60’s.Never had a mean word for anybody I worked for him at his house for years. Never treated me bad, always called me a handsome guy half jokingly, patent, smart. (a millionaire incidentally) his family actually were one of the first people to settle in what became Silicon Valley" in the mid 1800’s. But it’s a hard crazy world out there with no rules. It’s hard not to be bitter when I’m trying as hard as I can to be a nice guy while most people seem to be seeing how mean they can be.You know what it is? People can relate to being mean. Niceness is nice every now and then but EVERYBODY understands meanness. “Keeping it real” translates into being mean and insulting and humiliating other people. Most people it seems to me have been victims of other people in school growing up and as adults, they want to make sure it never happens again. Sorry, that’s my rant for the day.


i would rather be the daisy in the field of thistles…
take care

So would I. But life doesn’t let me alone. I want to do what I want without interruption. I have sacrificed a lot in my life. I’ve never been in love. I have had few friends. (But good ones). I am not rich. I’m ready for my life to get better. I’ve paid my dues.

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Oh boy…cynical sides…yeah I have one. I am sometimes really blunt and bitter, like black coffee, gotta add something to make me palatable.

I can be pretty cynical. After all, I have what me and a buddy call the “skullfuck” approach to living with this illness, I use my ego, my intelligence and aggression to keep myself from sinking.

I nearly burned out towards the end of this past semester. I was emotionally, psychologically and physically tired. I am getting back on my feet now, I am doing pretty well with the caffeine constantly flowing in, but some days I drink two black coffees and crash on the couch.

It is easy to be an ■■■■■■■. I am not mean to anyone unless they are mean first, and usually if someone directly insults me in a not-joking manner, I unleash hell on them. Not always, but most of the time. Basically if someone wants to fight, I verbally abuse them and threaten to hospitalize them if they threaten me.

But fortunately it hardly ever happens. I havent been directly insulted by someone except the people I live with since November of last year and I went (verbally) psychopath rage on that loser’s ass and he didnt say a word and walked away. I sometimes wish someone would pick a fight with me. My mother and I got into an argument with my father a few months ago and it was like three drill sergeants yelling at each other.

But yeah anyways I was a victim as a kid until I beat the alpha gorilla’s ■■■■■■■ inside out. I learned to be reactive after that. We are actually a species of great apes by the way, pecking orders do exist. I am a competitive person and tested highly for aggression and a little highly for psychopathic deviance on the MMPI-2. I enjoy a good fight because I always win.

I often walk into the classroom at school and think everyone else is a dumbass. I often pride myself on being physically strong, way stronger than the average 165lb male. I am in an environment with some guys who are as strong or a lot stronger than me, proportionally speaking. That’s how my sport works, you compete in weight classes. Some of the bigger guys make little jabs about me being the smallest person on the team but they are just being silly, they know that proportionally I am strong. For a 165’er I am pretty solid, my deadlift is actually kickass, my squat and bench are good but not as “wow”.

yeah bad schools make you think dont show vunerability people will humiliate you.

I admire assholes. They just don’t care about stuff. It takes bravery to be an ■■■■■■■. And I know about pecking orders from being on the bottom. You think people would leave you alone if you’re no threat and now that I think of it, that’s probably how I survived high school and drug addiction.

The reality is that most “■■■■■■■■” are cowards. They act this way because they usually feel insecure and inadequate in most area of their lives. They feel the need to step over others, because of their insecurities - they lack self love and lost respect for themselves usually. They feel the need to control others because they lost control of themselves.
I hate ■■■■■■■■ - my brother can be this way sometimes, I think he is slowly learning (hopefully)

When I read a study years ago it said that for a long time they thought criminals had very little self-worth or self esteem. But when I researcher finally tested this assumption they found that criminals actually have very high self-esteem and big egos.

That sounds like psychopathy, just at a glance. Having a strong criminal record and a strong ego just blurts out “antisocial personality disorder!” and the upper percentile of people with that are “psychopaths”.

I myself tested just into the pathological range of psychopathic deviance, 70 was the cutoff and I scored 75, my shrink tells me 1) no psychopath admits to being a psychopath 2) I have mild traits, like learning from my mistakes the hard way and thrill seeking behaviors, but that I only started a fight once in my life, and that was when I was on the WRONG meds, had the WRONG DIAGNOSIS, was 17 drinks in, and completely psychotic.

He says that he is curious what I would score now that I have insight and am not psychotic, I was batshit, like the floor of the batcave when I took that MMPI-2.

But yeah those criminals sound like they have antisocial, narcissistic or maybe even borderline personality disorder. My sister was diagnosed with borderline upon her visit to the local mental hospital years ago, and my parents and I agree that she still clearly has it and always did. She’s not a criminal but she can be what you would call “a bitch queen” and then be dependent and clingy the next day.