My anger I bottle up

DX'd - Other
1

I said in my last post how I’m uncomfortable with telling my feelings due to people forcing me to hide them. I’d have to say my anger started building up in school when I was a child. I was bullied everyday from my very first day of school to my last day in high school. I didn’t have many friends, now that I think about it they weren’t good friends. I would get beaten up a lot and threatened. I started fighting to defend myself from the bullies but I’d always get in trouble. I couldn’t release my rage so I would end up crying.

When I turned 15 I started experiencing my first schizophrenic symptoms. I was dating a girl at the time for a year or so while I was dating her I went to a military camp for 6 weeks. At the military camp I was beaten up every night, I was verbally abused. More then once I had a pillow case thrown over my head, they would then push me over and kick me. They punched me a lot and locked me into crates. One day though one of the people in my barracks started slapping me across the face, he called me terrible names. He then pushed me on a railing of one of the bunks and tied me to it, he then removed my pants and left me in front of everyone. No one helped me I remember just seeing them all laugh and looking the other way like it never happened. Well the 6 weeks went by and I returned home. A week after returning was the first black out I ever had which makes me scared of releasing my anger. My girlfriend decided to prank me and she jumped on my back. I don’t know why, I just felt like I was back in the barracks. I picked her up by the shoulders and slammed her into a wall. I don’t even remember doing it, she told me I wasn’t me in my eyes. About a month later she left me because she said I was dangerous. To this day I still question that.

In high school it didn’t get any better. I discovered alcohol and weed, I was high or drunk for 3 years straight. I was suspended 3 times and expelled for half a semester. I was stealing things and going down a very destructive path. My only friends were the ones who would smoke with me, one of them did ecstacy with me. To be honest I don’t remember much from high school. I remember I met one girl in high school but she had a lot of apathy and we just didn’t last. Her ex boyfriend got mad at me for dating her. For weeks he was spreading rumors he was going to hurt me. Then one day I saw him waiting at my locker, surrounded by people. I remember standing there staring and voices were screaming in my head to defend myself and put him down so he wouldn’t hurt me. Then it goes black and he was laying on the ground, next thing I know is I’m running to call my mother to pick me up.

I’ll be honest I feel a mix of emotions about a lot of things recently. Yet one of my most powerful emotions I feel is anger. I just feel so hateful towards people, even friends. I look at people and they make me sick to my stomach. I don’t do or say anything because I don’t want to have to deal with them. Hell even the only girl I loved comes to my mind and I can’t help but be pissed at her and myself.

I’m scared though. I’m scared to get angry because I don’t want to do something I regret. I don’t know how to control it and I wish I did. Yet I feel it inside of me like a burning fire wanting out. I can’t let it get out though. I can’t let it build up though because I feel it’s close to the limit.

2 Likes
2

You remind me a lot of how I used to feel – pure rage. Constant abuse – around every turn really. Is it any wonder why most of us with this condition developed it to begin with? The intense anger will eat away at you, if it’s not released, and if it’s released – well, that could prove devastating. It’s a real dilemma – one I’ve not entirely solved myself. The rage in me has numbed, but it’s still there. There were so many countless times in my life where I didn’t think I could contain it any longer. I think years and years of painful, agonizing suppression, drilled a huge black hole in my memories. For the longest time I remembered nearly nothing of my life. Then with about 30 rounds of neurofeedback I regained some pieces of the puzzle, but that’s it.

Are you seeing anyone, by the way? Doing any kind of treatment? I’m really sorry the people throughout your life were so abusive towards you. It’s sickening, really. I cringed inwardly the entire time I read your story, because of how closely I can relate to your feelings and experiences with abuse. It’s good you’re starting to open up about those feelings here. No one here will judge you, like those a$$holes in your life. It’s funny, I actually see a lot more humanity in the mentally ill than I do in many supposedly “normal” people. They have no problem being cruel without reason or provocation, and if you ask me, that’s the real sickness. Something like schizophrenia is more often than not triggered by trauma.

One thing that really helped me sort through everything, when I had nothing and no one to turn to, was journaling. I would fill up journal after journal after journal like it was nothing, because those journals were all I had to hear me out and take it all in. I’m actually not entirely sure where I’d be right now if I hadn’t had that outlet. When you’re at the brink, you’ve got to let it out, but in a safe way. I know, that’s not always easy. What works for me might not work for you, and vice versa. You just have to figure out the healthiest, most effective approach to dealing with your emotions. When it comes to rage, I always think of a punching bag, though I’ve never invested in one so I can’t exactly say from personal experience how well it works. Seems logical it would though.

Personally, I don’t advocate medication for various reasons, but if all else fails and you feel you’re going to explode, perhaps consider that (if you’re not already on it)? If you are, then maybe talk to your doctor about these burning feelings of rage you’re having, so they can adjust your medication accordingly. I can’t help but think there has to be something better though. Nevertheless, the right dose and kind does help some people.

3 Likes
3

@dannyboy6657

You may have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This is an anxiety disorder that afflicts people who have lived through, or witnessed, a traumatic event.

I suggest seeing a therapist, for you need to talk about your feelings.

4

@dannyboy6657 I’m really sorry that you have had to experience so much bullying and abuse in your life. It’s understandable that you feel a lot of anger because of this. The sad thing is, though, that the bottled up anger you feel continues to fuel the stress and trauma you suffered at the hands of the abusers, even years after the abuse happened.

I really encourage you to seek out counseling to help you figure out a way to defuse the anger in a constructive and safe way.

1 Like
5

That’s a great idea.

“Anger” drink, we bottle “anger” so you don’t have to anymore!

And on the front it’s an image of an enraged person.

New “anger” drink, try it today.

2 Likes
6

I would have to say the same like what @UnknownExistence mentioned. I also write down what I feel on my diary. If not in my diary, I tend to transfer all the negative energy thru my writings or drawings. So, instead of negatively releasing everything else, try to be creative and express it up!

Bottling all the pain and anger inside will make you hurt everyone around you even if you do not intend to. At some point, everything has a limit. It’s like a glass of water; if you let the water fill in without drinking from it, it will reach its limit and will overflow.

Since we all have coping mechanisms for letting our feelings out, do some research on how to express your negative feelings. It’s hard to bottle up all emotions, especially the pain you have with no one to talk to. Posting what you’re feeling in here is a step ahead. :slight_smile: It’s a best way of expressing your feelings, may it be negative or positive. Once you let it all out, it’s much better than staying angry all the time. You may hate the world around you for being so cruel, but stay positive! Not everyone is the same.

You might be able to help out others and it will help you feel better!

7

I feel the same about “normal” people too. I find I get along better with someone who has a mental illness. I am on meds and every time I try to see my doctor he cancels. Also I wrote on another forum for years when I needed to talk about it. Only thing was was that the old forum I was on was for social anxiety disorder which I felt like a black sheep cause I didn’t struggle with that as much.

8

man, I’m lucky I didn’t join the army.