I don’t want to hurt anybody, in fact I want people to be happy. I’ve had violent thoughts since I was 17 and I’m now 21. I have no intention to act on them though in fact I feel like its all the anger I bottle up. I’ve been bullied my whole school life up to college and I feel that contributes to my anger because I would never defend myself. I also feel anger because of all the people that left me and hurt me. Yet I never did anything about it. For years I’ve been bottling up my anger and I don’t know how to let it out. Most people say I’m easy going and super kind, yet no one knows how angry I am all the time. I’m also scared if I tell someone I’ll end up in the hospital, I really can’t go back there. They would keep me locked up for so long.
I’m also scared because I did defend myself once and it was to a group of 3 people and they were bullying me for a while and one day they were waiting at my locker and saw all 3 of them waiting by my locker. I stood there in the distance and listened to the voices tell me that they wanted to hurt me and I had to fight back. Then all I remember was blacking out and when I came back all 3 people were knocked down on the floor because I beat them up. I was then suspended from school for a few weeks. I’m scared because I know if I do let it out I’ll black out in anger and it’s only ever happened twice in my life.
The first time was the hardest. I spent 6 weeks at a military camp and I was beaten up all the time. They would throw pillow cases over my head and stomp on me repeatedly. They would call me names and hit me a lot. Then one day one of them tied me to a pole and took off my clothes and left me for everyone to laugh at and not a single person helped me. When I finally made it out of that hell hole I was spending time with my girlfriend at the time. We were dating for a year at this point. Well she felt like doing a prank on me by scaring me from behind. I instantly blacked out to go in defense mode. I didn’t hurt her though, I picked her up off her feet slammed her into a wall and looked her dead in the eye and she told me when I did that she didn’t see me in there. She didn’t see the real me she saw the monster I hide inside of me. She eventually broke up with me because she feared me.
Because of this I live in fear of my anger. I feel like a monster and I just don’t want to harm anyone. What am I supposed to do about black outs though? Do any of you guys have these?
I’m sorry all those terrible things happened to you. Terrible. Talk to your pschycologist or like about how you feel. The voices for me are sometimes telling me to do violent things to people or showing me violent things of people. It used to happen so much eventually I ignored it thinking that was a solution but i was bottling up all that stress, and frustration. It came to the point I had a pschotic break last year from the voices, and delusions. Since then I learned to tell my wife and pshycologist of what runs through my head. Now it took many months for me to realize hey maybe talking about it will help. And it has. Bottling things up in your head can drive you crazy and it’s unhealthy. The only time you’d be sent to pshyc ward is if your suicidal, or harming yourself. Just talk about what goes on in your head. I have and its helped.
It’s not the end if you go back to the ward. its to help you get on right track with meds and phycotherapy classes n such and open up about what goes on in your head until you are stable again. I didn’t mind being in the ward but I did want to leave because who doesn’t lol
Just because you beat up three hospital and who knows how bad, doesn’t make you schizophrenic…I doubt you black out like you say and I wish you wouldn’t insinuate that schizophrenics are violent. we aren’t.
I struggle with violent thoughts as well, but I have since I was 13. I constantly worry I’m going to hurt someone without thought to it, since I feel myself tensing up in dangerous situations, like when my old roommates threatened me.
Struggling with your temper can be hard. Do you have coping mechanisms built up for when you get angry? What I do, is I write or play violent video games to vent my frustrations. Or I go lift weights. It really helps.
Love how you literally ignore all the cases of schizophrenics being violent in all the legal cases. Sure a majority are not, but some are. Go read some legal cases, they are clearly written there.
the stigma in society calls us all violent in their movies and news stories where the true odds of you getting killed or hurt by a schizophrenic are less likely than being struck by lightning. and that’s a proven statistic. (Schizophrenia Digest)
I am schizophrenic and I experience black outs under intense stress or anger. I wasn’t insinuating anything that schizophrenics are violent. Did you see me say that in my post? Plus who are you to tell me I’m not schizophrenic, I was diagnosed in the hospital when I was 17. So please don’t put words in my mouth and accuse me of things I didn’t say.
There is a stigma yes, I was dumped by a girl cause I told her I had schizophrenia and she thought I would kill her. But you should also know in some cases not very common at all there have been people with severe schizophrenia who have taken someones life due to delusions.
But more seriously though what causes people to be targeted like this? People have always left me alone for good or bad. Sometimes I would think that people would just need to stick up for themselves but then I see them caught in this violence cycle. What else can you do though? You should get that black out thing checked though. Sounds like it could land you in legal trouble.
Also I’ve had violent thoughts before. They went away after starting risperidone for a while.
I haven’t had a black out since I was 17, but I am always trying to avoid arguments so I don’t get worked up. Also I was on risperidone and it didn’t help so now I take olanzapine.
Yes I am new but that doesn’t make me a trouble maker. I’m here cause I struggle with schizophrenia just like everyone else here. I needed to find somewhere where I could be honest about my schizophrenia cause I never get that chance where I live.
I don’t know if this is bigoted or not but you ever think when you see someone flamboyantly dressed in a MV that it is going to be a good song? There are counterexamples but just a thought that occurred to me.