I’m thinking of killing myself because I’m fed up with the side effects of the medication and the illness itself. I’m being treated as a second class relative or son by my family, and they don’t realize that I wake up with severe headaches and dizziness, and that 90% of the time my mind is filled with bad memories traumas and misinterpretations. They don’t realize that sometimes I can’t move out of bed except to eat or go to the bathroom. I can’t do the things I used to enjoy like reading a nice book, going to the gym, watching a movie…etc. I had to withdraw from graduate school because of my illness and that it led to poor academic performance. I also had a shouting incident with someone in the university so they removed me from the program after finishing 75% of it. My illness symptoms were fine prior to starting this graduate program, and I didn’t suffer from delusions or misinterpretations and didn’t even had to take the medicine to rest my mind. Now and during the program, I suffered delusions and misinterpretations, and of course the severe side effects of the medication (Trifluperazine and now Haloperidol). My academic performance went down the hill at the beginning of the program but then I started working hard and started improving my grades. Unfortunately, I have this weird thing of misinterpreting the timestamps of emails or phone calls (i.e. someone calling you or emailing you at 6:00 pm, I interpret 6 as sex not the number six. Sorry for sounding crazy but it would be nice if someone explains why is this happening to me. I was just reading in a novel that it’s called schizoparagraphia). I feel crushed by life after being thrown out from the school. It doesn’t affect me professionally and I actually didn’t pay the second year fees worth $40,000+, but I still have the stigma of being a college dropout. I always excelled in my academic life and graduated cum laude with GPA of 3.57/4,00 and major GPA of 3.73/4,00. I also won a scholarship to study abroad. That was prior to getting diagnosed by schizophrenia. The degree I was studying for doesn’t affect me professionally, but it was just a personal goal that was shattered. The symptoms of my illness like delusions and misinterpretations were heightened during my studies due to the stress of studying and tough academic standards at this university. Telling the university that I have schizophrenia, which they called “serious illness”, was also a cornerstone in their decision to remove me from the university.
Now if you were in my situation, what would you do? My condition was bad during my studies, and now after discontinuing the course I feel more horrible. I’m now trying to pull myself together and start losing all the weight I gained during my studies. But I can’t even pull myself out of bed or to get out of my apartment to go to the gym or even go out to enjoy life. I feel like sh*t.
Any advice is welcome, and thanks ahead for your help.