Whenever I wake up, I get hit by bad memories and it makes me feel bad. Like I’m unable to do anything, with no motivation. I usually respond to this by reaching for comfort food to feel better. However, lots of nice things I used to enjoy have lost their meaning for me, like watching a nice movie, reading a book…etc
One of these bad memories is withdrawing/being dismissed from grad school for having psychosis and feeling that people are out to get me and send me derogatory messages via their talk and email time-stamps. Even with taking the medicine, these misinterpretations didn’t stop, and people didn’t feel pity for me at all. Perhaps cause I didn’t tell them I have schizophrenia? I did shout at some people for believing they are trying to hurt me emotionally and affect my academic performance, and they send me offensive messages via emails’ time-stamps. I endured these delusions (or reality?) for about 16 months until I couldn’t take it anymore, so I shouted at some people from the school, and the school dismissed me for that. Now I’m feeling very demotivated and can’t even go out from home cause I feel bad and have a stigma of a college dropout. I told some close friends that I’m doing a master’s degree and now I don’t know what to tell them. I was doing it for myself after-all and I have my own privacy, but I still feel stigmatized.
So honestly I’m feeling guilty here. Should I be blamed for what happened? or should I blame having the illness? You know I can’t control my anger or anxiety sometimes while having this illness.
Should I never give up and apply for graduate schools again? or should I focus on my health now and stabilizing my condition and mood?
However, please bear in mind, that this issue of getting dismissed from school is a bit traumatic for me and never occurred to me before. It causes me pain on daily basis, whenever I think of it. So perhaps getting back to school is the solution? My mother has been very supportive in this and told me what matters is my health not a degree piece of paper. God bless her cause she makes me feel happy. However, I’m still feeling bad about the situation and not finishing my degree. I did supply the school with medical evidence and a psychiatric report that I have schizophrenia and my medicine history, and that what happened was due to the illness. The school used this evidence against me by saying that this is a “very serious” condition and we’re fearing for others cause I shouted at a couple of people. They didn’t understand that I was under huge stress from studying diligently for the courses and this accentuated my symptoms.
So I would appreciate your opinion regarding my situation. Should I go back to school, or focus on my health for now? My diagnosis is F20 Paranoid Schizophrenia.