I don’t know if the hallucinations will stop. I’ll always have the capacity to wake it up.
But the internal chaos. The bad thinking. I might be slipping out of the trap so to speak. That too will always be there if I choose to think about it, but my mind grows more callous and resistant to self consciousness the more I try to learn to think differently.
It’s been a long fight but I’m finally starting to see the results.
I’m hoping with time it’ll all get better. I still get a ■■■■ load of messages. But I’m also to the point where I don’t have to respond. I’m not as afraid of what will be said.
I don’t know it’s a pretty complicated mess, I’ve thought about it all enough to understand it. Now I just have to empower these moments where the psychosis and psychotic thinking are not on my mind.
Really though I have no inclination to think about any of it. I don’t know what tomorrow will hold but I’m about to knock down one of the pillars holding up this whole psychotic scenario I’m in.
I’m close to becoming the ideal I envisioned. Now that I’m here it almost seems easy, aside from the memories of all this bs.
Maybe I’m just growing up… but I’ve learned a lot through this illness. Sobriety and thought management.
Still have a problem with caffeine and nicotine.
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Then as I finish typing that I get a whole slew of hateful “telepathic ■■■■.” That passed though. Normal voices now.
It’s been a good day, but I am ready for some sleep. I only wish I was tired.
I’m not a doctor I don’t know what to say. Your not religious so I can’t talk about that but I can say the sun comes up everyday even if hidden behind the clowds
I don’t expect the Sz to go away. I just don’t think I’ll feel like a piece of ■■■■ anymore.
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That’s good cause its not your fault.
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It more feels like it’s “their” fault and I just have to accept that and learn to forgive them even though they won’t change. Psychotic and delusional perspective right there, but in my mind, as much as I try and fight it, as ridiculous as it sounds so say, I still feel/sense they are telepathic and they’ve all decided to say this ■■■■ to me.
I’ve still got a long way to go.
This illness sucks…
But now it just feels like an illness. Not something that is wrong with me.
I just dropped my typing class a few hours ago. I can see it now 40 thousand a year, a respectable car,a respectable little house in the woods, new clothes, a job! But I can’t do it. Not with this illness. Some people with this illness can do but I can’t. So…its not my fault either.
I couldn’t do it either. Not yet at least.
I’ve just now learned to be at peace and control my mind. Crucial for any amount of self confidence in this telepathic perspective.
I’m going to try and get some sleep now.
Thanks for talking with me @lagoonlovely
I’m glad you’re on here.
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But I can get fit. I can do what I live and go camping. I can make the home possible out of this little rickety cracker box apartment. I can take care of the clothes I do have even if they came used. I can laugh and I can smile. Maybe get a little pt job for added income…maybe.
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I’m gonna give it another year then I think I’m gonna become an Uber driver. I’ll drive until I make that 1070 a month and then just live easy.
Should be enough for me to get my own place. A spare car, and be able to keep up with repairs.
I’ve always been a good driver. Not having a boss is nice. Being able to work whenever I want is nice. Meeting people is nice.
It’s what I’ve been thinking about recently anyways.
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At least that’s how I hope it works. I don’t think there is some kind of management involved.
Probably will get another car. Either to protect the one I have from careless schmucks out there(drunk folks). Might look around for an old volvo. Those things are just fun to drive.
Yeah, ya never know what’s out there.
Thanks! I think they go to the Bahamas for the winter. I hear the snorkeling is excellent. They may be back though ya never know
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There it something wrong but it’s not your fault… Somebody else misfired
Man that’s an odd statement.
Maybe I don’t deserve it anymore, but I think I might have deserved it back then. Was on a path that would’ve upset everyone. Instead of talking to me about it though they just showed me they were telepathic.
All of this, constant telepathy, and they still haven’t fixed the world? People roam the streets high and drunk and they don’t do a thing.
They allow all those people to live in peace, but me, just for thinking they destroy my life?
Nah man these people don’t ■■■■ around. They locked on and took the shot.
Now I’m forced to be this tiny dot of nothing. To sit here and to struggle to keep focused to keep the bad ■■■■ out.
I just want to sleep…
I’ve got the fear again. Where it came from I don’t know.
These ■■■■■■■ voices just don’t shut the ■■■■ up.