I was thinking, after reading the high functioning sz thread, about how I had all kinds of potential before I developed sza. Once upon a time, I carried an almost straight-A average. I had mentors at university setting me up for a high profile and prestigious internship. I was expected to go straight through to get my Masters Degree and then to be a hot-shot health care administrator making six figures.
But sza changed all that. I started hearing voices in university and only managed my A average because most of my profs had a policy that if you carried an A in the class, you didnāt have to take the cumulative final exam. So it became a game to me, to ace my little exams and papers that i could write at my own pace. On paper, I looked brilliant. In reality, I was a hot mess.
By the time I graduated, i took a job not as a health care administrator but as medical receptionist. I lasted nine months. My next job lasted 11 months before I was put on disability and hospitalized for three weeks. I went back for another year and then didnāt work a regular job for three more years. The rest of my career is the same pattern - short term job, long term disability. Insert second inpatient experience.
Iāve been talking to my pdoc about trying to make peace that my sza has stolen so much of my life that was supposed to be mine. Iāve been on disability for the past 3 1/2 years, and there is no indication Iāll ever be able to return to work.
What about you? Tell me about your potential and your reality. How do you make peace with it all?
Thatās been me too. Surviving and considering it a victory if I didnāt take klonopin that day (alas, Iāve lost that battle the last three days). Itās all I have energy to do. thank you.
I never had any potential or at least nothing that could have surfaced without help and support for my learning disability(US term)/learning difficulty(UK term) . That help and support never came.
I used to be really smart. But now I have problems with working memory and information processing. I also have alogia and often times feel like my mind just doesnāt think properly anymore. If I had to brainstorm something, I probably wouldnāt come up with any ideas.
I went to college and grad school. Then I went to nursing school. I did very well. None of that matters anymore. I have trouble thinking and I can no longer handle any kind of stress.
Iāve spent the last year really mourning myself. I still break down into tears if I think too much about it. Itās been very hard.
Thatās a shame. I believe everyone has potential of some kind. Youāre such an articulate person who makes so many excellent contributions to this forum. Iām not sure about your story regarding when you were diagnosed in life, but Iāve been very impressed by your intelligence Iāve seen here.
I was never that smart to begin with, but Iāve noticed certain cognitive deficits cropping up since my break, mainly in the realms of memory and executive functioning. I guess I mourn the fact that I donāt know how to fix those or if they can even be fixed.
Me too. My memory is shot, I canāt handle problem solving tasks anymore, I canāt do anything that resembles a puzzle. Stress pushes me to get breakthrough hallucinations (I take my meds meticulously).
I guess thatās what Iām doing too, mourning myself. Thatās a good way to put it. I hope replying to this thread didnāt upset you, Iād hate to think I triggered you, my friend.
Itās been many psychotic episodes since I felt like it could be fixed. I donāt know who I am anymore just this person who is held hostage by her own paranoia. Thanks for replying!
I think thatās a big one for a lot of us . Thereās a lot of research about areas of cognitive deficits/difficulties, but how many of us have actually ever received help for these things? I would guess quite a low percentage .
I certainly havenāt, firemonkey. I have an excellent pdoc but thereās only so much she can accomplish in a 25 minute appointment. As I get older, I notice the cognitive problems a lot more than I used to.
I donāt know if my issues are so much cognitive issues or that Iām just getting older and my focus and priorities have changed. I just donāt see the inherit value in doing a 9 to 5 and making car payments. Having a family.
only read like one sentence of your post, but basically I find joy in the simple facts of life. like taking my medicine to remain stable, being able to work, enjoying life, spending time with my little cats.
I gave up on wishing and yearning for the ācould have, would have, should have done thisā.
itās not worth it. life is straightforward. all I ask is for stability. Iām happy with what life gives me.
A life time of trying but failing. I could work with a manic energy in dead end physical jobs. I did well for a couple of years but always came unstuck due to paranoia. It affected my relationships and it affected my ability to work etc.
I didnāt get diagnosed till 29. That really was a wake up call for me getting on medication. Took me a couple of years to sort it all out but I moved forward. I have better relationships with women. Iāve been married and divorced. I too donāt work but that doesnāt worry me.
Iām on a pension over here but do a couple of half days volunteering at my cricket club. I play competitive cricket at 48 years of age. I live with my parents and two cats, one of which is mine! I live a realized life and that is issue!
Live as large as you can. Itās a serious disorder and it all depends on your attitude and how you handle your meds and symptoms. You can still live a great lifeā¦itās a little differentā¦but it can be meaningful!
I guess I am just slow with acceptance. Because my Haldol makes me so tired (and i canāt take atypicals because every one Iāve tried gave me massive weight gain), I feel like I can never just push the sza to the back of my mind. Iām always so aware of it and it naturally makes me think about what could be rather than what is.
I will continue working with my pdoc on this - thanks for all the replies!
Many people with schizophrenia have cognitive and social deficits since early childhood.
I read it on the internet.
It is quite possible that this was my case, in any event I am not happy about my prodrome at all.
Then again, you donāt even have schizophrenia, but schizoaffective.
Count your blessings.
I donāt see sz and sza as one being worse than the other. With sz, you donāt have the crushing mood component, but with sza, I guess the schizophrenia symptoms are not as bad? Is that how it works?
I donāt know @anon39736208, I do not trade in comparisons between sz and sza.
But I will tell you this:
Schizophrenia is a very severe disorder, and many people with schizophrenia experience some levels of impairment, especially socially and cognitively, since early childhood.
As well, a LOT of people with schizophrenia have sleep disruptions and immune system weakness.
I donāt know about schizoaffective and I donāt want to make comparisons between the two disorders.
Okay. I have sza as opposed to sz but I started hallucinating when I was 3 and I am disabled. I donāt see either sz or sza being worse, just different. Sza is also a severe disorder with impairment.