Hello again, I’m not from the US. I prefer not to say where I’m from but I have Sz and it makes me mad how much it has impacted my life. Everywhere I go ever since being in med school friends, colleagues and random people I know have been passing really tough exams and getting placements in renowned medical facilities in the US while I’m here battling with Sz. I mean, it’s not like I don’t work I actually work and have passed some professional exams local and abroad but knowing that I could have done better if not for Sz makes me mad. I used to be the best in my set at uni before sz hit me now I just feel like I’m just existing. I am a bit grateful that I didn’t have my psychotic break abroad without my mom because I could have been homeless and living on the streets. I almost ran away to the UK when I was on transit there because I had a valid visa but somehow I just came home and was diagnosed with Sz before receiving proper treatment. Ugh, I feel so angry… that Sz truncated my aspirations in life. 
I was in a gifted class in middle school. When I look up my old classmates I see:
- Doctorate in nuclear medicine.
- High paid lawyer.
- Professor of linguistics and published author.
- Successful business owner.
I think my main accomplisment is staying mostly continuously employed at lesser jobs and not being as crazy as I was. Oh well. Ruminating on it too much just makes me unhappy. Better to pick up a camera and make some art.
Wow, it really sucks to think about what could have been compared to what is especially when you see that those who were once your peers are very successful and you’re not. Thanks for replying, it really helps to know you’re not alone.
I get angry about being diagnosed with schizophrenia too. I don’t fully believe I have it and it is causing problems for me. I think I just had extremely severe PTSD.
More like it’s an annoyance these days. I’m getting better at accepting it. I’m also doing okay so I should be more grateful. It’s human nature to look over the fence and admire the neighbour’s lawn.
I had to take a simpler route with work too. Its a tough blow but gotta be realistic.
Find something simple to be happy and move forward
That’s very sad. I hope you can resume your life somehow.
Hello,
It is good to hear from you. I feel sorry for you. I find myself in a very similar situation, where a lot of my fellow students are now doing very good in life. Plus, I am 39 now, so I was perhaps 17-25 when I became friends with them. Over time, people will move further and further ahead in life, and the schism between where I stand and where they end up will only grow more. My life came to a standstill for the majority of the last 15 years or so.
However I try to embellish my life, the fact that I trade stocks for myself now, I know that I significantly underachieved in contrast to my aspirations in life. The lingering feeling of not meeting my potential remains. That makes me feel terrible, not where others are, but the fact that I couldn’t meet my potential.
I guess there are many others with this illness who share the same feelings as you and me.
This scares me even more, but I get your point. I’m turning 30 this year and people much younger than me, in their early twenties are already excelling significantly. I just can’t help but compare because even if I try not to. The intrusive disorganized thoughts that come with the Sz I have won’t let me be.
I understand your anger, but you don’t know what your future holds. You may get better to the point that you can be a doctor. Don’t give up on your aspirations, and don’t compare yourself to others.
It seems you were at the top of your class. That’s not necessarily a good thing because overcoming adversity and being resilient are critical in life.
What do you call the person who graduates last in medical school? Doctor.
Thanks, I’m a doctor as well but I am not excelling at the pace I want to. I’m not saying I’m ungrateful but I am sad that because they are neurotypical they are excelling so easily and in my case Sz is dragging me by my eyelashes metaphorically. It’s frustrating that I have to compete with people whose brains are not burdened by the symptoms of Sz due to ableism. In my case there is a constant negative and persecutory theme in all my symptoms. I can’t catch a break. It takes effort to be normal while others are normal with ease.
I understand your frustration. I had a career in the navy cut short due to sz, then I had to withdraw from university while pursuing a degree in psychology.
We are entering a new era in sz medication, so maybe the new meds will help you. There is hope.
I struggle to look beyond academic achievement and intellectual ability, as a measure of my worth as a person. Yet they’re not the sole or biggest things I measure the worth of others by.
There not a lot of successful schizophrenics. It is a career killer, but you can have a good life. I have my healing practice in Madrid. I still get benefits etc. Some people who work would find it unfair that we get money for doing nothing and have so much free time. It depends on how you look at it.
If told they too could have such free time but accompanied by the symptoms of schizophrenia, the vast majority would turn down the offer.Or if accepting it would sooner rather than later go into ‘whinge and whine’ mode.
It’s not a choice of course, but people feel the grass is always greener on the other side. There are some inspiring examples like Elyn Saks and Nick Loffree who make a difference in this world. We need more of them.
I went to law school on scholarship and was considered an honors scholar while there. I had to drop out for a reason other than mental health. However, I’m unable to return due to mental health. I totally understand your frustration. I’m not jealous of others, but I am frustrated and feel ashamed of myself that I just can’t handle that type of stress in my life.
Well. You can’t go back to the person you were. I was working in corporate strategy in NYC for a Canadian company when I had my first psychosis. Now 14 years later I have my healing practice in Madrid. The journey with sz can be long but you can find your way in time.
I’m glad things are going better for you