Living with my Abusers

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I’m actually feeling very sad, scared and confused.
I’m having identity issues, bouts of Derealization, Depersonalization, and I’m Experiencing symptoms of Dissociation like spacing out at times and losing track of time (days).

I always knew that my father was a controlling person and I had vague memories of having some difficulty with my parents growing up.
I knew that there were parts of my childhood that were filled with fear and a sense of loneliness.

I lived with severe panic disorder, fears, paranoia, night terrors and rapid mood swings and depression growing up as a child.

It all came crashing down on me after my doctor got me off of the APs.

All of these intense emotions and early memories became s lot more clear.
I was suppressing these traumatic memories.
I experienced Neglect by both parents and was raised by my grandmother.
I was verbally abused and ridiculed by both parents constantly, my feelings or opinions never counted.

I was exposed to nudity early on by my father and my boundaries were always trampled on.

Unfortunately I still live with both elderly parents and my father is continuing the abuse by verbally abusing me and trying to control every aspect of my life.

I really do believe that he is displaying strong Narcissistic traits and my mother was sexually abused as a child and suffers from major depression.

My father even in his old age has lashed out at me physically and punched me in my face and choked me a few weeks ago, I told my psychiatrist, she yelled at him. I did not provoke him.

Because I suffer from a lot of different symptoms I really don’t think that I can live somewhere else.
I don’t function socially and am paranoid and fearful.

I am sad to know that my parents treated me like garbage.
I am getting a bit more paranoid - I intend to see a new therapist soon, one that specializes in abuse and trauma.

No wonder I don’t trust others.

My brother has always displayed a lot of anger towards my father.
My brother is also a bit abusive towards me as well - we are not in communication with each other.

I will talk to my psychiatrist about my situation in more detail when I see her this week.

I’m very sad.

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I’m sad that you are sad @Wave.

I’m sorry you’ve had a bad lot in life. I wonder if it has contributed to your having such a big heart now.

I really hope you can see the new therapist soon and you can start to feel a bit better. You must feel trapped where you are.

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I am sure that they both suffer from severe mental illnesses - and probably personality disorders.
They both had very hard lives - my mother was exposed to chronic abuse by family members and she was sexually abused as a child.

My father had a rough life too, I’m suspecting that he was exposed to some abuse growing up.

In my heart I want to forgive them, they did take me in to their house after my psychotic break and divorce.

They have showed kindness towards me in the past.

I do believe that they are 2 broken people that continued the cycle of abuse - this is all that they may know.

I really can’t wait to see a good therapist.
She will help me sort things through.
Thank you @anon84763962

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Oh, @Wave, I’m so sorry. You’re a great person, you don’t deserve any of that.

I hope that new therapist can help you, and glad you were able to talk about this with us, must be a relief just to be able to let it out.

:heart:

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It is a relief, I even tried talking to my father about it.
Don’t know if it did any good but I really do believe that he has some serious mental health issues.
Both my parents are seeing s psychiatrist and take antidepressants and my father is taking Ativan.
It felt good letting it out to my father as well.

Even with all the bad that happened, there is also some good. I feel more relieved because all these years I was repressing these traumatic memories.

I now know why I have trust issues and am always so paranoid and anxious.

I can finally begin to heal.

Thanks @Minnii

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Its good to read that you have people to talk to about your situation.
People that maybe can help you.
Sometimes for some people just talking to someone can make a person feel better.

I think you articulate your self well.
You also seem to know the jirgong.

Wishing you well with your healing.

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I’m so sorry @Wave to hear about your living situation…and I’m touched to see how you still justify your parent’s behaviour. From my experience, in families who deal with an addiction issues of their members, for instance, it is highly recommended that the whole family is included in the process: not only by attending therapy with that member but also having a separate source of support for themselves.
You know it wouldn’t be bad if your parents could have a talk with your pdoc together with you. I did that with my mother and it was kind of easier to talk with her when we had an experienced and objective mediator with us.
Other than that…have you ever think about living in group home, assisted living or such?
I think you are on a good way to overcome this!

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@Wave I’m sorry about your rough childhood, but I’m glad you are talking yourself through this. I hope these feelings are only temporary as you recover through this. If this persists, it might be caused by something that requires medication.

If you do recover completely, don’t leave me (us). I’m(We’re) messed up enough for the both of us. :wink:

Seriously, I care about you!:heart:

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I am sorry about your situation, wave. You are a very nice and strong person.

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Sorry to hear you had such a difficult childhood and still the issues with your parents did not stop. I can understand you repressed it and also the meds covered it up. I hope you find a good way to deal with it, together with a good therapist. Aren’t there any social housing projects were you live, so that you don’t have to be confronted with abuse anymore and can start to overcome it? I send a lot of good and helping thoughts your way! You are strong and you can overcome it!

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