here i am. i am quite ill, i feel quite ill… i have those pain in my soul, my brain in my head which i feel…
so, my story briefly…
i grewed up with a father who was beating my sister and my mom really cruelly…he wasnt alcoholic, he was always sobre. in the same time, he was working a lot in order to give us everything.from what i know, he was a beated kid also…i come also from a mixed mariage, my mother is here from another country. at the age of 6, the boyfriend of my sister was touching me sxually. no penetration but he wanted me in a way. he was masturbating in front of me, he was showing me some pornos and he told me to keep the secret, yeah… but honestly, maybe i am ill since forever. i was feeling ashamed and guilty naked on the beach even earlier i guess. growing i started to have this lows of moods. i knew early in my life the body discomfort. it was like soul pains… i guess my soul hurted… low self confidence since always, a lot of moments of derealization, since small i had the dream of the prince of my life, i was good for catching some information but worse at some other information… and here i am 34 years old, after 15 years of isolation from the world. it made me even sicker… i am living with suicidal thoughts since forever…one pdoc says i am borderline, my ex pdoc said- schizophrenia…
its hard cause my mom doesnt see any progres even on my meds. i am just on my feet, not in my bed… she says actually that ill never feel fine cause she cant see the progres. for her, its all genetic in my case…
but with all my life couldnt i have grew healthy? wow… i forgot to say that my father atouched my sister sexually once too… i guess there are hard cases here too… everybody keeps me saying to stop thinking that i am the worst case. i really complain a lot inreal life… its too much for everybody else around me…
but will i succeed to go out one day without my paranoia? i almost wanted to punch somebody today when going out with my mom to the cinema. the cinema wasnt a pleasure for me in fact… i just wanted that it is but it didnt work… its hard when your friends dont understand how somebody is capable to stay 15 years between 4 walls. they just dont get it. even my ill friends too… but i am worried. i want to change and for my mom, there is no help from anybody anymore…
i spent the last 2 days crying. maybe i get back my emotions but i am not sure…it sucks… my lifestyle is hell now, really, its completely mad…
lately i just try to exteriorize what i feel. mostly, in front of my mom. but its weak. its mean, its bitter and cynique. sometimes it comes from my heart but still i am not in a good shape.
thats all, thanks for reading, i need hope i guess that things can get better one day… its not a life anymore what i do now… kisses
Have you ever been treated for PTSD? It sounds like you have a lot of trauma you need to process.
anna, no, the docs never mentioned ptsd. but in my country, everybody with a big psychic problem is easily diagnosed as schizophrenic… I am dependant psychologically to my mother. and because of her, I dont believe in psychotherapy… what if they ll say to me ‘‘go out’!’’. I know that I wont do it the most of the time…
Hey, @Anna1, I added a trigger warning to your title.
I think therapy for your past trauma could really help you. Probably behavioral therapy over psychotherapy right now, especially since you have some antipathy towards psychotherapy. I agree with @Anna that PTSD seems likely here.
Hopefully a good therapist would do more than just say, “Go out.” Hopefully they would help you develop a plan on how to start going out, in ways that aren’t as upsetting to you. I know that this is something you want for yourself - you are so distressed by your isolation - but it sounds like you need help in figuring out how to make it happen.
Your story is definitely a bad one, but it’s also definitely not the worst. You can recover from this - it will just take time and effort on your part.
You have experienced something too ugly for a child to bear, it is for sure a PTSD, labels doesn’t help, I’m 34 too, I have been ill for some 15 years now with 5 times of suicide and just lately I feel normal, crying is a good sign, your emotions are coming back, exteriorizing is a good idea but do it here not with your mother cause you may upset her, and see different psychological views which exist in this world, your mothers views are good but not covering all aspects of life:gift_heart:
I read some of this @Anna1
I would work on fighting FOR something
and not against yourself
I’ve found a lot of healing through opening myself up to volunteering
blogging and writing
Think of it like this, your trauma, all of the abuse and whatnot, is as if you’ve been wounded very badly…PTSD means that wound has become infected…making you very ill. PTSD can cause depression, anxiety, even psychosis. If you leave a bad infection like that untreated it could be a disaster. You need to fight that infection so the wound can finally start to heal. I highly recommend you get help for it because it could be causing many of the issues you’re having now.
Most therapists are trained in trauma counseling. They will certainly not just tell you to go out if they are professional and in the least bit competent.
thank you people, thank you very much 
yeah, I feel like I hurt my mother too much… its hard for her my love/hate relationship towards her… @aliali, in fact she told me not to complain a lot on the forums cause it wont help me much. she believes in activities for me… me, I am doubtful. sometimes I just believe that words can heal too lol…
daze you are right. lately, I really try to be kinder to myself. but sometimes, I still remain quite ■■■■■■ up in my head, sorry for the expression…maybe too much negative emotions, maybe too much of everything.
nobody here believes in getting better just with the help of the meds? wow…oh my god… I knew mainly the pdocs for the last 7 years, even more…
Words out of a nice soul can heal for sure,
If you have PTSD talk therapy is going to be the most important thing. Medication can help, like it helped me stop having flashbacks and got my PTSD related anxiety under control, but medication is not going to help you process and heal from your trauma.
mothers are hard because they don’t know everything and they still act like they do
ahhhh, I know you can’t live with them or without them
what do you mean by flashbacks @Anna pls? my English is not so good lol in fact, today after the cinema I talked a lot with my mom. she often says that she is my psychotherapy. I know, its not the same, we hurt each other like this. its just dumb to continue doing this… but after that, I felt for a brief moment the lucidity of my brain, really. it was almost something healthy wow :). the problem is that it never remain for a long time… otherwise, I really have back my personality when I feel fine like this. its strange. cause my ill friend, schizophrenic too she hasn’t so much issues with the personality I find… I even dont know what food I like, which color, which clothes etc etc…
Flashbacks are mentally reliving the traumatic event.
I also know all too well what post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is. I was repeatedly raped over a several-year period in my 20’s. I’ll be 53 in March, and I’ve made much progress, but I don’t believe it ever completely goes away. I had no interest in a relationship until I met a compassionate woman when I was 48 years old. After a year she moved into my house. I thought I was “cured,” but the very first night we slept in the same bed I had a flashback. Her toe touched my calf, and I had a reflex: I elbowed my girlfriend in the head. She was okay, but I decided to sleep on the floor in a corner. I’m now able to be touched without having a reflex.
You were the victim. You bear absolutely no responsibility. You did nothing wrong. He cannot hurt you anymore.
A kind therapist helped me a lot, and the flashbacks are far less frequent, but, for me, I don’t think they’ll ever be completely gone. And that’s okay. It’s okay because it makes sure I never forget.
oh, ok kindness I think I never had flashbacks. I think I can imagine what it is but I am really crazy besides that. cause when I was working at a call center, I had a lot of antipathy towards the most of the men. and a lot of them looked to me like my pedophile. it was just the tricks of my mind. my pedophile was tall, blonde, blue eyes and I couldn’t stop of him when I was seeing some man looking like him. but its not a typical flashback I think… otherwise, I think I really need to liberate myself from the feeling that I was a bad person in past lifes because now I have sz. I know some of you had this delusion too… its self destructive in a way but I keep thinking it.
hugs, I love ya all people
That’s one of the most crap things of PTSD…you think you’ve finally overcome your issues and you’re ok now…and then some little thing sets you off…had an anxiety attack at the dentist recently because I ended up getting back in a victim mindset as I just had to lie there and take the pain…also the lying back, the mouth open, the vulnerability was too much…I also used to get flashbacks at touch but have overcome that now.
Best of luck @Anna1, I have hope for you that things can get better and I think you should have that hope too.