Everyone wants to keep me medicated and subdued. To be quiet and not speak my mind. To be a lifeless ambitionless drone, no feelings of my own. Fall in line and follow orders. Nothing of or for myself to be seen as me being me. Oh to be free, but its not to be. All that I see, or want to be, taken from me and seen as delusionality. My thoughts ideas or plans, disregarded, I ain’t no man. Even if I had a plan, wouldn’t matter, with me as I am. I hate me more than they can see, but strive for more and I just can’t get things lined up right. Can’t seem to win this fight, try as I might, I just ain’t right. And I feel it, every night as the walls close in and the disturbances begin again, if they’d stopped, that is to say. Though that I want to I won’t run away, I’ll stay in this misery day after day, until what or when I don’t know. And nobody really watches this show, there’s better things on that people want to know. So here’s to being alone in the crowd, unheard no matter how loud, displaced by life’s replacements and only getting by cause they don’t see me cry, don’t know how I wish I could die, but won’t because that I won’t try, and I don’t know the reason why.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be subdued and dragged down drugged by my meds anymore, but I’m not acceptable without them either. Its a lose lose battle. I don’t want to do it any more. Not suicidal, I just hate this. It really sucks. And I know if I don’t do the meds I’ll probably get worse, because even with them I still have all these issues to deal with all the time. I just feel so alone and lost most days, even when I’m around other people. Sometimes especially when I’m around other people. I don’t say about or complain about the ■■■■ that goes on in my head because what can anyone do to help out anyway? Its not going to do anything but make me think everyone is thinking things about me I already think they think but then I’ll know they are because I’ve told them about it. I feel so alone. It makes me miserable. I don’t want to show it, to be seen even more weak and subhuman. Even though i don’t think I am, I think I’m pretty damn strong to deal with it alone but I just don’t know… Don’t know what to do that can make me feel happier or like I am worth anything to the world or just the people I care about.
These are things I wrote to different family members today only to be disregarded and received no response or acknowledgment that I even sent these to them. It hurts so bad. I truly feel I have no one.
I poured my heart out to my wife twice today only to be told time to ke my pills, and no reply the second time. I left out the first one because it was personal, but how should I feel when that’s how I’m thought of by my wife? That my heartfelt feelings are just won thing that I need to take my pills for? Or to be totally ignored? I don’t want to do this anymore. I hate life.
I know what you mean about being treated like a subhuman. I really enjoyed your poem. And lastly, you are not weak. You’re strong, stronger than most. Most people couldn’t imagine living even a day the way that we live.
Thanks. At least I have here, people that get it, understand somewhat.
It’s like u said what can ‘anyone do to help out anyways?’ When u drop a load like that it’s hard to respond. All people can really say is that they care
Didn’t even get that.
Well, they do i’m sure
I know, its just hard. I’m all alone out here in the woods, no vehicle, friends, tobacco, family, or electricity, but I got me and my headspace. But That’s not always good for me as you can see.
How are u on this forum, and why aren’t u with ur wife?
Got my phone plugged to my solar battery bank. We live apart for a few years now. I get to stay with them every once in a while. Its a complicated situation. When I lost my ■■■■ a few years back I also lost my job and house. We moved in with her parents but I kept getting kicked out cuz my meds weren’t dialed in as well as now. We are building a house, I stay here most the time.
Hang in there. Things have a way of working out
Sounds like being alone is not a good thing. Also, if you like writing find a group but that doesn’t mean your the best. You have to keep going.
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You sound like you can express yourself.
Only through written forms. Textually I can, verbally its quite the opposite. I forget what I’m saying or my mind wanders elsewhere.when they are floating through the air the words disappear, whereas in textual form they are more lasting and I can see what I just said so it helps to remember where I was going with my train of thought
You have heart!