I see happy people everywhere and I can’t get it. I can’t get why they’re happy. I can’t get their happy. I can’t get happy. Its a bird that’s quick to land and quicker to fly. When it flies it laughs at me for thinking it could be mine. I see all the people with purpose. I can see their purpose. I try for a purpose but it eludes me. It looks back on me and scorns me for trying to have it myself. I see those with a plan and their plan unfolds for them. I see plans all around me but when I try for a plan it kicks me in the crotch and screams for help as it dissolves from having touched me. I see the ones that have someone to be with. I try to be with but ruin all withness and it frowns upon me as if I were the separation. I seclude myself but seclusion won’t have me either. It balks and squirms to be free of me. I am me but end up destroying what’s left of me to not be me. But none will have the not me either. So I am alone. But in aloneness I create company. My company hates me. Yet they stay only to torment me. I try to comfort them but they wish only to destroy. I ignore it but it doesn’t stop so I sleep. My sleep bothers those that become around me. They force me to be awake which then allows the company to be angry and continue my torment. Which becomes too much to have and be in this world as a participant. This upsets societally driven beings and they assert this upon me. So now its from every angle and I can’t hear what’s spoken to me over the cacophony inside but I try to remain present. It overwhelms and I get agitated which irritates me and I see the reason for my needed destruction. I take it out on others near me and hate myself more for it but can’t see it as such. Only confused rage builds until I can’t hold on any longer and the fuse passes the edge of the casing bringing outburst that has long lasting effect but is over so soon and I’m left confused scared shunned and alone left to wonder why I still am. Sadness returns only to mock me for I don’t have it it has me. I am the puppet emotion scrambled doth weild like a sword inset stone and only one may pull out. But nobody can and nobody comes so in there forever I stay til I see happy, laughing at me and I am scorned by all that see me. Never to be truly set free because nobody can care to reach me and try as I might my might isn’t there I’ve lost the ability to try to care. But aloneness won’t have me and I can’t have company because all the rotten it does to me. I am at a loss and lost I am still waiting to be found, an ant in the hill…
That was a long post. I read it and I think remember a decent amount. You are tormented by this illness we all are. We know what you are going though. You could still try to be with people and thus hopefully not be alone. Have you tried medication? If you find one that works for you it can do wonders. For me the voices have pretty much gone away. Aside from the side-effects you can recover and slowly get back on your feet.
You will have more people read your posts if you put breaks and spaces and break up the paragraphs into smaller pieces. It’s just friendly advice. I know that lots of people will skip over and not read long blocks of writing. Long blocks of writing are hard to read.
I get the risperdal consta injection 37.5 mg. I’m supposed to take 4mg half tablets at the end of my injection cycle before I get my next injection but I just haven’t been able to get myself to take them. So it wears off at the end of my cycle. Its been getting worse each time but I still have an avoidance to taking the tablets. But I’m going to make myself take them now forward. I’ve been speaking with family friends and therapists and I think I may go to a facility for a little while to help me gets stabilized and used to taking them. And to get some sort of break from all the stress in my life that keeps messing with me.
Its meant to be read as such because its how it flowed out of me. There was no pausing, it was a continuous thoughtstream
Do you take medication? Do you have a therapist?