I am realizing now that the only traumatic thing in my life wasn’t just my first major episode where I experienced hallucinated sexual abuse. It was my entire childhood. I had psychosis since i was a young child and I had to grow up with it and survive it all by myself. I had no one helping or supporting me, no one telling me what was going on. And then came depression and ptsd, narcolepsy…again all dealt with alone…those who were supposed to protect me did not, those who were meant to listen laughed and ignored, those meant to comfort me refused.
That is all very hurtful. But the past is the past and I have worked HARD to give myself a better life than the one I had growing up. I have made SO MANY positive changes and the only thing holding me back now is my obsession with the past. It is ok to grieve over the loss of my childhood to mental illness but it is not ok to let that grief control my life and keep me from enjoying the present and feeling happiness with all that is going for me now. From now on I want to focus on making life better and better for me. I want to focus on the present and the future and how much better it will be. I am not alone anymore and I do not have to suffer anymore.