I will be using this thread to post all the jokes that I find funny. You can post your jokes too.
Let’s laugh together on one joke at a time.
Note : This is a jokes thread not a memes thread so please post in text format, no images.
Thank you.
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What do you call a book club that’s stuck with the same book for years???
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Church
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A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”
She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”
The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”
The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”
“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?”
The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”
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What has 2 butts and kills people?
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Assassin
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I have a messiah complex coupled with an inferiority complex: I’ll save all mankind and then spend the rest of my life apologizing for it.
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About a year ago I abducted an alien.
Afterwards he went back to his spaceship and told his friends but nobody believed him and they told him there’s no such thing as earthly abductions.
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Shopping in the bakery section in Safeway at 12:00 am. Do-nuts, pie, pastries, cookies, cupcakes, And last but not least, delicious cakes. They look so good, I think I’ve literally bought only two cakes in my entire life just for myself. I want to buy a huge chocolate cake and bring it home and take it out of the box and grab two handfuls with my bare hands and just cram that stuff in my mouth. Then take all my clothes off and just smear the rest all over my entire body and then roll all over the carpet. THEN pick up the mess and put it in my hair and massage it into my scalp like some kind of obscene, decadent shampoo.
HELL!! I’m all worked up now, I’m going to go watch me some porn.
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Sort of related…
Q: What’s worse than a satellite around Saturn?
A: A probe in Uranus.
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I walked into an office at work looking to empty the wastebasket. I thought the office was empty but after a moment I heard a soldiers voice say, “Can I help you”? And I looked around and saw a soldier in uniform I hadn’t noticed sitting at a desk. I told him, “Wow, that camouflage really works.”
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haha…Lets hope this doesn’t devolve way too quickly! 
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That sounds like a challenge…
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What car is a favourite with sheep?
The Lamborghini.
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Just what I’m afraid of!
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Did you know French Fries weren’t really invented in France?
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They’re made in Greece!
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Heres another…
A man complained to his friend “My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor.” “Don’t do that,” volunteered his friend “there’s a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment.”
The man figured he had nothing to lose so he took a sample of urine down to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited the $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks
That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar.
He took this concoction down to the drug store, poured it in the machine, and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:
Your tap water has lead.
Get a filter.
Your dog has worms.
Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs.
Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant.
It’s not your baby - get a lawyer.
And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
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Two fish are in a tank. The one fish says to the other “how do you drive this thing?”
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Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live
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What’s better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.
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Whats the difference between inlaws and outlaws? The outlaws are wanted.
@shutterbug prob a joke for you lol
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When I was at the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, “I’ll see.” And walks off. 5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, “I’ll see,” and walks off.
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I eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C.
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