Just some of the day's thoughts

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I’m pretty sure that the minister and I were the only ones in the chapel with dry eyes during my uncles funeral service. I mean even my sister’s boyfriend was crying and he never even met my uncle. I don’t know…I guess despite this storm of emotions that sometimes bubbles up just below my surface, I’m just not the touchy feely sort. I hold it together pretty well…and I’m pretty damn numb after all these years I guess.

After the service there was a reception at an art gallery which I found very awkward. I don’t do well at these things on my own with no one to hang with and work with through the whole socializing thing, and I’m usually pretty much on my own these days. So I wandered around the gallery feeling awkward and went out frequently for a smoke. But towards the end I went for a good long walk with my sister and her boyfriend down to the river. First real conversation I had had with my sister in what feels like an eternity. Gives me hope anyway that there is hope for us to build somewhat of a normal sibling relationship with time.

Then it was back to the “mountain house” as we all call it for family and neighbors to, well, for most anyway it was scotch and cocktails…which didn’t bother me…I’m done with the bottle…what did bother me was my anxiety and social phobia. I didn’t know most of these people so I spent the majority of this time outside alone smoking my sisters cigarettes. I don’t know…I just kind of feel like if these people talk to me they will realize something is not right but if I don’t talk to these people they will realize something is not right.

I guess these sorts of occasions and gatherings…I mean I’m wandering back and forth from the relatively young gathering where I feel out of place back to the older folks gathering where I feel out of place. I sometimes feel literally like some kind of big awkward 31 year old teenager. I mean I’m mature enough emotionally and responsible enough and all that I just feel like despite the fact that I did grow up I never managed to break through feeling like a big awkward teenager. I suppose I may always feel this way.

We then made the walk up the mountain as a thunder storm threatened. It was a good size procession of family. My cousin played a number on a native American flute before we scattered some of my uncles ashes along with ashes of his two former dogs who had passed away previously. It was a solemn occasion but jokes were made as they’d been made throughout the day.

When I passed my aunt on the way down the mountain she was sobbing a deep sob and hearing this gave me the shivers as her sob was familiar to me, I had sobbed like this once a long time ago when I was mourning a loss of sorts. Not a death, but a loss.

I guess I figured I’d just rehash the whole damn day here…as I’m finding it difficult to really define the thoughts and feelings I’m having about today and about my life and life in general. I don’t know…

Please no sympathy for my uncles death here though, I accept death as a part of life…I just felt the need to talk to no one in particular here.

P.S.- I really, really, very much miss my C tonight…(again, to no one in particular)

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This sounds sadly familiar to me because these types of gatherings find me wandering back and forth from the men who are talking about sports and cars to the women’s gathering where the conversation is about children and foods. Being at college was the only time I had away from sexual segregation and age segregation.

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If it makes you feel better, it isn’t just you. The whole maternal side of my family is the same way. The only time we are at a social occasion and don’t feel awkward is around each other. I think all our social phobias cancels each other out like two sounds with the same wavelength.

My aunt came over tonight and we were talking about that very thing. If you are introverted and overly sensitive, chances are you are related to me. Part of the problem is we live in a part of the US where being that way isn’t tolerated very well.

The honest truth is most likely you will be that way your whole life. I don’t like parties or bars and I never have. I always thought the problem was with me. Everyone kept telling me I was supposed to like those things.

What helped me is realizing it is okay to be different. I don’t go to parties or bars. When I did go to parties I always tried to stay at the edge of the crowd and separate. I could never understand the joy people got from them. All they ever did to me was make me feel uncomfortable.

I go to the type of gatherings I do like. For instance I like watching movies with a small group of friends. Or at least I did. Since I got sick I can’t really be around people anymore. I can stand to be around my mom and sometimes some of my close family. But that is it. Going to the doctor is the only other social exposure I have.

There is a difference between being reserved and being repressed. You aren’t trying to hamper your emotions. You just tend to express them in different ways from other people. Just because you didn’t cry at your Uncle’s funeral doesn’t mean you love him any less. Did you love him? Do you miss him? Don’t you think it is okay that you express it in your own way instead of trying to fake it at a funeral? One of my favorite sayings is ‘A person is not their worst moment.’ One way to take that is that you define a life and your part of a life by it’s whole, by every moment you and your Uncle experienced together. One day, doesn’t change your relationship.

You aren’t being antisocial. You just don’t like certain types of social situations. There is nothing wrong with expressing yourself in your own unique way. You shouldn’t feel bad about that and don’t let others make you feel bad either.