Just looking through my notes

That I got in 2007/8 and comments made on various assessments.

Risk history- delusions, ideas of self harm/suicide ideation,impulsivity /lack of impulse control(risk history) History of non compliance in the past. I can’t remember this.

Treatment related indicators- Failure to attend appointments (risk history and current(then))

Person circumstances indicative of risk: severe stress(risk history),

Behaviour indicative of risk:
deliberate self harm,alcohol/drug abuse (risk history)

Another risk assessment. Things ticked yes or both yes and no

Previous suicide attempt (y) admitted to a low/medium unit(y) Evidence of being dangerously impulsive to others(y and n) Has the client expressed but not demonstrated aggressive behaviour(y) Has the client threatened physical/psychological harm(y) Has the client expressed paranoid delusions featuring certain individuals(y and n) The client is unable to adequately communicate need(y and n)

Also mention of confused and paranoid thinking and problems expressing myself clearly especially when angry/agitated/or frightened.

It’s now 2014 so is fairly irrelevant to how you are now. Depends a lot on what you have done for yourself since as well but i’m sure you have grown since then. With the illness, emotional growth and as a person although i’m sure you haven’t noticed.

Some of the things may still be true and others not. It was just strange reading it and thinking ‘this was me’ as if directly confronted about it at the time I would have been in denial/said it was bollocks.
I’m not sure I’ve grown as much as slipped further into chronicity .

Think I mentioned once i also got my psychic file out a few years ago so I know where you’re coming from.

I guess the question now is “what can you do to change that?”

The simple answer is ’ I don’t know’ . Seems over time there’s been a progression from acute to chronic which can often happen with a long term mental illness.
The social anxiety/social interaction difficulties go back before coming under the psychiatric system and are very hard to shift and the lack of drive and motivation etc isn’t helped by and possibly aggravated by medication. On one side less paranoia and weird thoughts/delusions and on the other lack of ambition,drive,goals, and motivation. One step forward and one step back.

Unsure if your in therapy. Which is always a good place to look, Alternative programs are also something to look at as well. Something like Grow perhaps http://www.growinamerica.org/ Best news on Grow it’s free. An Australian program created by patients for patients. But just had the thought you’re in England and I think the nearest program is Ireland so may not help much. But gives the idea alternatives aren’t always bad new. So i’ll leave all that info up.