I recently experienced an episode of acute psychosis (comprising obsessive, manic grandiose delusions resulting in a significant impact on normality including accidental self-harm) that required hospitalisation as an interventionary measure.
Since the admission and subsequent discharge (one week in-patient stay at a psychiatric unit) it has been a month or so and I have received zero follow-up medical support other than what I have pursued (GP consultations). My GP is evasive towards commenting on the episode and is deferring all responsibility to my psychiatrist (who I had only seen twice before for an adult re-diagnosis of ADHD).
My mother-in-law was afflicted with shizoid-affective bi-polar before her suicide at age 27. I never met her because my now wife was only 9 at that time. The impact of the illness over the course of her childhood caused her significant trauma; as such, the similarity of the positive symptoms I recently displayed (coupled with some of the more subtle historic negative symptoms) has her in a current state of emotional distress.
I have tried on a few occasions to verbalise my concerns; particularly in order to gain a second perspective into potential delusional observations I may have become aware of myself making, but her emotional sensitivity makes it challenging to progress any conversation towards a mutually positive outcome.
As such, I wonder how you all go about reality-checking yourselves? And how do you do it without the process itself becoming yet another obsession subtracting from (self) normality?
About some of the issues …
A lot of my continuing delusions appear to stem from tactile perceptual distortions resulting from bilateral Carpal Tunnel Syndrome (CTS), which has dulled the nervous sensation in all of my digits and most of the palms.
As a result of being exposed to both Christianity (healing manifestation [delusion]) during a spiritual “awakening” process following a major existential crisis and; having studied self-massage techniques in order to relieve (my) musculo-skeletal pains (possible fibromyalgia), I believe my mind has begun filling gaps in my sensory input to perpetuate these delusions of supernatural (medically inexplicable) healing abilities utilising touch. At one point during the psychotic episode, I believed I was transmutating animals towards biped humanoid forms; delusions that remained intact and consistent over days of sleep/wake cycles.
My beliefs right now are that some of the touch I am experiencing as self-massage is indeed providing relief and is probably more efficacious than expected based on my level of training, (though I understand life sciences quite well and have an above average body-mind connection [possibly from meditation practice], which could possibly explain and support this judgement). I have jumped right back on the fence regarding faith/Christianity and have returned to the convenience of agnosticism, though the notion enters my mind more than it used to. I am choosing to steer away from Christianity, due to the healing manifestation being too easy a trigger.
That being said, I “feel” that there is “something more” going on with the massage thing - the positive results extend to my children (one who has a completely misunderstood condition like fibromyalgia and the other with Autism) and wife (postural and gut issues as well as plantar-fasciitis ) and also seem to take effect faster and last longer than any other professional they/'ve see/seen, AND I mostly use techniques not taught traditionally by any modality of massage therapy. I focus on the skin and subcutaneous fat layers as the main target for therapy, loosening tighter areas in various ways, but also by re-distributing mobilised matter around based on skin tension feedback. This appears to have great effect in reducing joint-pain (also increasing mobility immediately) and when applied to the cranium, appears to provide significant relief from all kinds of generalised physiological discomfort.
I accept these techniques could technically overlap with a lot of other established ones, such as lymphatic drainage (when it comes to the face, especially), but as I said, the results exceed expectations based on the above.
Moving on. I understand the nature of schizophrenic delusions, (prior to this ever being a disorder I’d even contemplated I might have), including the affected neurochemical mechanisms as well as the general psychology behind the behaviours, so I am fortunately able to be open and honest about (as above) my potential delusions, I am also capable of accepting they are noting more than just that - as well as accept that I may have the disorder, before I am formally diagnosed. The earliest psychiatrist appoint is still a month off.
Meanwhile, I have gone from full time employment (moderately above average income) to completely zero income, to enrolling into a Diploma, to withdrawing and becoming just a stay at home … um person. I can’t really say “stay at home dad”, as that would take away from my wife’s 80% contribution on that front. My mood swings (which seem to align with pain levels) are having a negative impact on the kids (and therefore my wife) and my family have gone off the radar as they think the whole psychosis was mismanaged by my wife and I’ve chosen her over them (over-simplification). Emotionally, I’m stable, just a little overwhelmed by the absence of medical follow-up support (current advice is “stop all medication”, which has really screwed with me), as well as other implications resulting from becoming made aware that I had been committing domestic violence (mostly persistent negativity) for years. I will have to attend a court hearing in order to dismiss a violence intervention order, as well as participate in counselling and parenting programs (which I’m happy to try and learn from, but it’s still confronting to the ego).
Anyway … TLDNR is becoming an overwhelming probability for the majority, so I will cute it off here abruptly.
Looking forward to making your acquaintance!