I start to hate this illness…
You know I guess, that instead of being in peace in my head, I have even physical sensations there, which shouldn’t even exist in my head… I also have thinking deficits too. My thinking was affected, so I still think sickly, obsessively, limited, almost as a blind, but with some inner monologue still though… mainly about negative things and worries 
The good wellbeing in my head is maybe up to more oxygenation too maybe, no? More blood even? More smoother connections between the stuff in there, right?
You believe , that the sz means a disabled brain? I thought for long, that I have a soul disease, cause my emotions were in pain too, but this is an old belief I guess, plus they all say, that it’s all in our minds…
I need this enlightenment in my head mostly maybe, right? Even physically I mean? To open my thinking, my fantasy, my logic and my calm?
Sheesh… am sorry for my numerous posts… I try to fight, but I almost still hate to be awake… I wanted only to sleep before… now I want more, but I am in pain now…
There’s the cancer of my sister too, a scary thing…
But yeah, my head sensations should be from another kind… not to feel like I have some clamp in my head lol…
Maybe my recovery will take me years still. Who is with me still though? 
For some of you, did you manage too to regain some life, while you were a severe sz?
I’ll pray for more health for all of us here.
Forget your past, live the present and learn to love yourself even if you’re doing bad vs normal ppl. I do that and feel much happier eventhough I stay in bed most of my time everyday.
My father is getting tested for prostate cancer, his prostate blood test was abnormally high. More blood tests, Ct scan, biopsy. Hope your sister gets better.
I hope there would be nothing for your dad… 
Well, I’ve spent my life between 4 walls for 20 years, so I’d wish this changes for the better now…
I don’t control yet my sensations, aziz… they affect my thinking and my emotions… but well, maybe my goal for the recovery is boring…
But there would be no life for me, if I don’t change for the better… I can’t even listen often for long to the others talking, I sometimescan’t even feel nothing…
But yeap, I hear you, I need to love myself again and I’ll feel better on all that, I know…
Even my ex pdoc was saying, that I hate myself, I was so numb, yeah…
Since how long you stay in your bed, aziz?
I say also, that it was ■■■■■■■ strange , that all the aps , that they gave me, were like candies to me… I never felt something on them in my head, while in my illness, I focus a lot on my head… it’s ■■■■■■■ strange, yeah… Nothing in my head or mind, really nothing… not even a sedation… I get sedation from meds like klonopin though etc…
Since March 2020 when I changed from Latuda 80mg to Risperdal.
It’s not so long… I need to stop hating my 20 years in isolation yeah… I need to forget them, cause this only makes me bitter and the others reject me for that…
Did you had hard traumas, aziz? Me, probably yeap…
I wonder how special one day I can be with all that I’ve saw, hah…
Yeap, I was hating myself, even blaming myself to live, but I was like this since kid too… My parents were occupied to kill each other and I was probably seen from them as nobody… My father would have beaten me if he knew, that I am mi… the even weren’t seeing, that I am unhappy as hell…
OK, let’s accept even this.
You feel better lately, no? 
keep walking 🚶♂, I’ll do the same 
I cant have a routine its hard so I only walk in the house when I feel like it but I get bored fast. I walk outside when going to the Dr or when my friends pick me up from home which is very rare.
Do you take walks? Inside or outside your house? I use a step counter app on my phone.
Oh, I started to walk for ten minutes every day now in my neighborhood, since an year, but I don’t expand though… This didn’t push me to move more far away or to be with someone outside. I am almost sure, that until I feel badly in my head and body like this, there won’t be bigger results from this effort… I have real blockages to “live” more in my head… Maybe, I sometimes want my emotions to feel better too…
But I believe, that some results can be achieved even at home… There’s many things to do at home too, yeap…
For the rest, tbh, I start to feel bored about these 10 minutes outside, I hate even this still cause I don’t enjoy it yet
Maybe listen to music on your cellphone while walking? Before sz I used to jogg a lot outside while listening to music.
Is your house big enough to move? I have 3 rooms here, I guess this is OK… I pace sometimes by pain, but very few tbh…
Every evening in fact, I am on my couch for some 5 hours, smoking, listening to radio and surfing on my phone that’s all…
I do that all day everyday, vaping and listening to music in my bed. Sometimes I play video games on my PC for a bit. My house is 2 floors and a basement so floors are smaller than a 1 floor house.
I am always with my headphones outside 
With my sunglasses in all sunny days, too… But my fear is in my gut still. It affects my emotions as I said, my thinking too, so I am not fully comfortable… anyway. We’ll fight.
I was having these negatives since a kid tbh, so that’s why I was screaming here by despair since years 
But my current doc, said, that my passivity sometimes is because of my paranoia too, not only because of the negatives. I have both of them though, yeah…
Anyway, I have to forget, to pardon, to become a believer , a dreamer maybe, to change for the better too
I wonder how many of us, hated themselves too?
Anyway. I still don’t understand the love well enough and I don’t act very lovingly tbh
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