So this is from (yeah i know this is like srsly?) a song by Slipknot.
My eyes are red and gold, the hair is standing straight up
This is not the way I pictured me
I can’t control my shakes
How the hell did I get here?
Something about this, so very wrong…
I have to laugh out loud, I wish I didn’t like this
Is it a dream or a memory?
Is it a dream or a memory? I find this to strike a couple of notes with me. First, it asks whether our symptoms are real of just our minds playing tricks on us, something that is impossible to tell. Second, it asks whether our dreams, our aspirations are just dreams or have happened and are now nothing but memories.
Like with my dream of being recovered, doing well halfway done with college, keeping my scholarship and becoming a competitive powerlifter- it is now a memory, it has happened. My new dream, of being settled down with a PhD and ranks from competitions in powerlifting is only a dream, and it will also one day be only a memory. One day I will be retired and have my weight belt hanging on the wall and I will be too small and frail for it to even fit and hopefully a PhD diploma on the wall too but be out of practice. I think of these things because I have had dreams come true and then fade into only memories.
I have had many dreams become real and then fade to only be memories. Like when I was a 16 and I transferred from a hellish catholic boys high school to an international school, I dreamed of having lots of like-minded friends and being happy to be at school and for 3 years it was a dream come true, then I become completely psychotic around graduation and become isolated save for some drinking buddies the next year, I only had memories of dreams which had come true to look back on amidst waking nightmares.
I think it is important for us to keep our good memories and also pursue our dreams, both are essential to my recovery.
I fully embrace my past, good and bad, and there is more good than bad, and I have strong new dreams. At my worst, one of my old best friends told me to think of a good memory and hold on to it. It was all I needed to hear. Life isnt perfect, I have good days and bad days, but the good outweighs the bad.