"Is it a dream or a memory?"

Health and Recovery
1

So this is from (yeah i know this is like srsly?) a song by Slipknot.

My eyes are red and gold, the hair is standing straight up
This is not the way I pictured me
I can’t control my shakes
How the hell did I get here?
Something about this, so very wrong…
I have to laugh out loud, I wish I didn’t like this
Is it a dream or a memory?

Is it a dream or a memory? I find this to strike a couple of notes with me. First, it asks whether our symptoms are real of just our minds playing tricks on us, something that is impossible to tell. Second, it asks whether our dreams, our aspirations are just dreams or have happened and are now nothing but memories.

Like with my dream of being recovered, doing well halfway done with college, keeping my scholarship and becoming a competitive powerlifter- it is now a memory, it has happened. My new dream, of being settled down with a PhD and ranks from competitions in powerlifting is only a dream, and it will also one day be only a memory. One day I will be retired and have my weight belt hanging on the wall and I will be too small and frail for it to even fit and hopefully a PhD diploma on the wall too but be out of practice. I think of these things because I have had dreams come true and then fade into only memories.

I have had many dreams become real and then fade to only be memories. Like when I was a 16 and I transferred from a hellish catholic boys high school to an international school, I dreamed of having lots of like-minded friends and being happy to be at school and for 3 years it was a dream come true, then I become completely psychotic around graduation and become isolated save for some drinking buddies the next year, I only had memories of dreams which had come true to look back on amidst waking nightmares.

I think it is important for us to keep our good memories and also pursue our dreams, both are essential to my recovery.

I fully embrace my past, good and bad, and there is more good than bad, and I have strong new dreams. At my worst, one of my old best friends told me to think of a good memory and hold on to it. It was all I needed to hear. Life isnt perfect, I have good days and bad days, but the good outweighs the bad.

2 Likes
2

Is the song about symptoms, or drugs/drinking? Sounds like it could be about getting high and not knowing…like you’re not sure if something really happened.

Okay, I read the song and some interpretations…some say it could be about SZ or MPD, and another says it’s about suicide…most say it’s about suicide attempt

http://www.lyricinterpretations.com/slipknot/wait-and-bleed

3

yeah its about when he slit his wrists in the bathtub coming down off coke or something, I read a lot of interpretations a long time ago.

He had some temporary psychosis from the drugs he did when he was a teenager, then was an alky for a long time after that…and to be honest he was at his peak right after he quit drinking, then he ■■■■■■ up his voice and cant really scream anymore. Their best live performance was when he was actively an alky. The bassist who wrote most of the songs with him died of an overdose back in 2009 or 2010.

Im obsessed with Corey Taylor, all of his music, I know all of his songs. I want to meet him some day. His music is spot on with how my mind works, with the chaotic rage from Slipknot to the mellow and melancholy tracks from his other band, Stone Sour. They still perform some heavy stuff in both bands and Slipknot has an album coming up soon. Slipknot even has a few chill melancholy songs about fear of women and heartbreak.

Corey Taylor is widely misunderstood. He does lots of acoustic performances today, he started singing and playing acoustic after his voice got damaged, but he still pumps out some angry heavy stuff too. Like I said, his music is like my personality- at times insane and enjoying it and at times rational and reflective. I enjoy when my meds are at their lowest levels in my bloodstream and I take my weightlifitng supplements and go lift seriously heavy ■■■■. I also enjoy mellowing out and taking my nighttime meds afterwards and my days off when I take xanax every 6-7 hours and am peaceful.

Sorry to talk too much. He’s just my favorite musician and has been since I first heard him when I was 12. I usually listen to his mellow stuff before going to sleep.

4

Funny you should post a title like that. This is off topic, but lately I’ve been having dreams that mimic my day-to-day reality VERY closely and it’s been getting harder to determine if something I remember recently was a dream or really happened.

Back on topic, I remember a quote from a few years ago: “If you live you’re dreams, what will you do when you sleep?”

1 Like
5

I’ve heard some people say that those who fail to plan… plan to fail.

But I just can’t plan that far ahead. I’m wondering if it’s the fact that I’m at a fork in the road. I’m still in school. It’s working for now, my grades are better then I expect of myself and why not see where this path can lead. But there are other options coming up as well. So two different paths… ?

For so long I’ve just been floating around pretty happy with myself for just getting through my day, I was in the passenger seat for a lot of my life. But part of getting better is getting control of what is happening to me.

It’s not my doc’s and my parents decision it’s MY decision. That is a bit scary, taking responsibility for my own actions after being told for so long that I’m not mentally capable of doing so. Hospital and doc words, no my families. Our prognosis is dang bleak. So what happens when it’s bleak no more?

My sis stood up when she was 13 and made the declaration that SHE was going to be the one to take care of me. She was going to get a duplex and live in one side and give me a place to live in the other, and SHE was going to be the one who looked over me when Mom and Dad were no longer around.

But now I’m better, and I’m learning how to take care of myself. So what does that do to the laser focus of my sisters plans?

I’m glad I had the help I did, and ended up in the hospital that could get me to stop talking to my feet. But after so long of being told I have diminished capacity, only to find that as I heal, I have plenty of capacity and plenty of know how, I just need a tiny bit of help here and there… I’m sort of left wondering.

I didn’t plan for getting better. My life was out of my hands… now that it’s IN my hands… what do I do now?

So I’m figuring it out as fast as I can. The waves are taking me a bit where they want, but I’m trying to direct my board better and land where I want to.

All a learning curve.

2 Likes
6

But hasn’t she been looking over you the past few years? Her plans may have been only temporary if in fact at some point you continue being able to function, and at some point you aren’t staying together.

I’ve gone to places and thought Okay, this is it, I like it here and can make a life here…and for a time i do and everything goes well…Then at some point something comes up, like when the friends I was staying with decided to move out of state 1200 miles away. I ended up driving them those 1200 miles and found then that THAT new place was where I was supposed to be, for the time…that place in turn led to a door being opened to another place which in turn led to me being able to own my own land here…
and looking back on it, each place I was meant to be at the time, but each was temporary, all leading to where I am now…and each place was cool, but I wasn’t meant to remain there.

1 Like
7

Everything is temporary… none of us are who we were back a few years ago.

That’s sort of the push- pull problem we’re having right now. When I was in negative symptoms, and not doing well… she did look after me and keep the apartment clean and keep the bills gathered and did the cooking, kept me calm during a panic attack.

But now that I’m getting better and learning how to do this for myself, she doesn’t have to look after me like she used to anymore… It’s been really hard on her.

She not a little kid anymore, needing a big brother to help fight off a school yard bully, or needing an advocate on her side to talk to our Mom, so I don’t have to look after her like I used to anymore… It’s not been so easy for me either.

We’re both getting to that point where our previous plans have to be reassessed and changed

8

Plus didn’t you say you have a GF now? A caring partner will fill in areas where someone else helped before…along with doing better yourself.

So, if you ever move out is your sis going to really really miss everything or is she going to cry “FREEDOM!!” LOL, j/k…
I can tell from your posts you 2 will stay close even if you move out, get married, or whatever… :slight_smile:

1 Like
9

It still feels weird to say it, but yes, my plant killing neighbor and I have gotten even closer and it’s been a nice slow progression and we’re giving a romantic relationship a try. So far, it’s working out. Yep, I have a girlfriend.

I want my sis to let go and not take on so much caregiving… That means I have to let go and not take on so much protecting.

I’m more then a little nervous… I’m really having a hard time with this one… I told my sis I’d let her go on a date… without me as a chaperone. I’m regretting it already. I was thinking of asking our other brother to sort of tail them in case of trouble. That might be a bit paranoid huh?

1 Like
10

SHHH…she is on the forum…now you have done told! But, LOL…that’s something I’d probably do if I had a sis…not that I wouldn’t trust her, it’s the guy…
But yeah at some point you’ll have to let go to.

1 Like
11

I would let her go, she can take care of herself, shes one independent kiddo and not really that much of a kiddo, im only 20. But Im so glad to hear that you have a girlfriend, that’s awesome! I cant find a relationship, I just end up with sex buddies.