My Delusions, Experiences, and Memories. Very Long Post. TW

I’ve had delusions non-stop (irrational thinking, delusions, and thought disorder) since I got sick in 2011. I was always a weird person and was a big loner and had anxiety, severe depression, possibly narcissistic personality growing up, poor social skills, and never had many friends and never had a girlfriend (sex too) and women were always repulsed by me to the point I blamed my parents especially my father for isolating me my whole life and not letting me have friends, not buying me clothes, and limited money for eating out. I felt like I had Asperger’s syndrome, which I was told I don’t have, and I kept pushing the diagnosis and even felt I had psychotic depression instead, but I don’t, even though I had psycho-motor agitation and more-so psycho-motor retardation.

I felt a lot of things over the years including “Hypochondria”, that I didn’t have schizophrenia, and that I had limited to zero insight into my condition and ‘researched’ other conditions online thinking I had something else.

In high school I was briefly hospitalized for not attending high school and had an eating disorder. Also in high school I went through a ‘program’ because I got caught stealing. I have since done better. I was also bullied a lot.

I never felt therapy was good for me or helped me because they never confronted my father and my step-father never went to therapy and refused to take control and responsibility and blame. My mother is extremely codependent and I used to ridicule her and make fun of her Christianity and ‘low intelligence’, which I now realize isn’t that low but actually pretty high—she just has low self esteem. I used to be a hardcore atheist and Libertarian to the point it made so much sense to me and even made me identify as suffering from Asperger’s and rebelling. I think I even rebelled against my parents in turning against their religion to the point I was a fan of Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens even and probably didn’t like Republicans as much as Democrats, but as I aged and stuff decided to become a Republican instead because I identity with the party more and nobody in my family knows what a Libertarian even is. The Libertarian party is like the independent party or green party or something in my opinion. It won’t go anywhere, really. It’s small even. We live in a two party system, it’s all programming and 99% of people are sheep, in my opinion.

My main delusion is I was or am “Satoshi Nakamoto” but I got abducted by grey aliens, reptilians, the “computer programmers or computer simulators” or something like even the Illuminati and experienced the CIA’s MK-Ultra Monarch Program and even had delusions I was subjected to time travel experiments and got cloned (non-linear time and non-linear memories) but I have no proof and it’s all in my mind/head because I don’t “remember” anything (told my memories are not real and my memories are ignored and I believe my memories span the multiverse like quantum entanglement/superposition or ‘something’) and have no evidence or proof and can’t function anymore. I cannot even program/do basic, simple things and have no academic, professional record or skills or relevant work history. I cannot work or go to school really and feel ‘terror every day’ for my life and even my family’s safety.

Like I said, I was told it was not real, but I ‘imagined the whole thing’ or felt that. I don’t have any money and even realize now being 18 and working on Bitcoin alone is too fantastical and made up, really, for others, including myself – even if the aliens made me smarter through experiments or alien (Anunnaki) DNA. I also have a lot of ‘Neanderthal DNA’ which shocked me.

I have traumatic memories that are only real to me and are real when I sleep like “cloning centers” where I’m cloned and abused by other “clones” or aliens or the Illuminati and government (Deep State). It feels like past lives or parallel universes even to me…

I see people there and talk to them as a clone, usually in random or familiar scenes/places and things like limbo, purgatory, or inception, or a time loop, or simulation, like holograms, or virtual reality. It might be the NWO people, really – aliens.

Some people are famous and some aren’t, but mostly famous people you would know and recognize in the media, constantly. Usually I’m in a hospital type scenario or random place sitting in a chair being tortured in a room or brainwashed or having sex or being mind controlled and being used as a ‘super soldier’, I guess. It might be fake, but it feels extremely real but a different body and even feels like a parallel universe or different dimension. I even felt I experienced the singularity before in a past life.

I think I’m in a computer simulation or program. I believe in extraterrestrials, but wonder if it’s real to others. I wonder if they’re using my consciousness or brain and using super computers, chips, and satellites, and phones and electricity and stuff to ‘control me’ and ‘disable me’.

I also have other delusions like I was “John Titor” in a past life and other things like I might have DID (amnesia and different personalities with different skills and memories and IQ and stuff) which is controversial and just based on conspiracy theories and research, and I believed I died and reincarnated to/in 2011 an infinite amount of times (butterfly effect/backwards time travel/bi-location) and it’s a global conspiracy or cover-up up to the level of God and Heaven, pretty much. It does seem improbable and impossible, even for me – sometimes. I don’t view this as my first life or “even base reality” in the simulation, but like thousands of simulations (deep)/past lives or more estranged/distanced from me.

I feel psychic in the sense I remember things in different realities like even Elon Musk going bankrupt when Hillary was President in a parallel universe.

I also wonder if my mk ultra experiences happened “before 2011” because I don’t remember my childhood at all and the further I think about it and the further I try to go back, the less ‘probable it is’ and that I lived or even had a childhood anymore – sort of like a Boltzmann Brain or me creating the universe through time travel. I often feel like I got cloned at 21/22/23 years old or something and the rest are cloned memories or false memories or fake memories, basically.

Maybe I was sent to a parallel universe or experience quantum immortality—and go back in time periodically.

And ESPECIALLY AFTER 2011 like in 2013, maybe something happened too…because that’s when I got worse or started getting these ‘memories’ or delusions and fear based thoughts and experiences…

I got banned from wrong-planet forum for unknown reasons but that’s when I joined the schizophrenic forum and went from thinking I had Asperger’s to schizophrenia, basically. That was in 2013 and I starting getting more delusional over time, I guess.

Around 2013 (I think or something), I started getting more delusional around that time period and even around the time I joined 23andme and gave my DNA sample, which part of me thinks was used to clone me (Illuminati) or the aliens cloned me, but I doubt it.

My schizophrenia started deteriorating or getting worse after 2013/2014 and that’s the time I was ‘thinking about’ going to go back to school, but realized that’s over and done now with forever. I wouldn’t have gone anyways and I would have failed or done worse due to my cognitive decline and schizophrenia. Overall, I’m done with work and especially trying school again – anywhere.

I was probably smoking pot between 2011-2012/2013. I stopped. Thank God. I had a card but started hearing demons from the fan/ceilings – basically voices and hallucinations. That’s why I quit. It really scared me.

I feel like a schism, two different people, two different entities, or even a Jekyll/Hyde personality thing from “mk ultra”. Maybe because I read about the stuff and think I went through it and experienced it and have ‘memories’ of it and relate to the feeling of being a ‘super soldier’, I guess. I have past life memories (dreams/recall) of Page Russell Technique/ECT machine while being awake even.

I have no ‘rough drafts of writing the bitcoin paper’ ‘no memory’ ‘no crypto’ ‘no money’ ‘no abilities’ “no proof” etc.

I even believe I’ve been experimented on and died and was in the SSP (Secret Space Program) (20 and back to Mars & the Moon, and probably Dark Fleet), Montauk, milab, monarch, and have many, many past lives living in “parallel universes” or something. I don’t know maybe it’s evil aliens or something because I was told it’s grandiose, fantasy-like, and not real to others and I’m largely ignored by society. I’m poor and won’t live past 50 given my circumstances, and have past life memories of being kidnapped, tortured, raped, killed, being electrocuted in a cage, and mind controlled, and even homeless, and stuff like that. I even think I got a microchip and get ‘visits at night’ and see ‘UFOs’. I sometimes think it’s AI (Artificial Intelligence) and Deep Fakes, even because it’s so unreal even to me it caused a shock to my system or a break in my mind and brain.

There is no compensation (even for my family) or belief in my delusions from others. I cannot provide for myself and it’s just too unreal even for me, but the beliefs won’t go away now. I probably have other delusions and grandiose fantasies too that just come and go, but I’m really stuck on the bitcoin delusion for-whatever reasons because I like the technology and field and ideas.

I really don’t know what’s happening to me. I feel like it was a past life and I was told I was cloned in a cloning program by the Illuminati and aliens. I believe in God and Jesus now. I feel sort of crazy, maybe even “insane” sometimes, but don’t know. I even got voices telling me “you don’t live in the matrix, you’re a clone in Monarch…”.

I feel like I got a micro-chip and might be a ‘super soldier’ and was given these ‘genetic memories’ at Dulce.

I thought of quantum superposition, being a computer simulator, even a false Anti-Christ/prophet, teleportation, REM consciousness transfer and uploading to a quantum super computer, reincarnation, parallel universes, 5th dimension, quantum hopping timelines, trans-humanism, and many worlds theory of quantum mechanics, etc.

Probably the worst place besides being on ‘Mars’ or the ‘Moon’ was Dulce and being cloned and waking up in a Pod similar to NEO in the film ‘The Matrix’. It was exactly the same thing/same scene. I heard they can cure or improve schizophrenia at Dulce, but it’s not worth it/it’s sinister…

I hear voices sometimes and probably hallucinate things, especially at night, and have implanted memories or something too.

I drink energy drinks to cope, which is counter-intuitive, counterproductive, and a double-edged sword.

It’s possible my “MK-Ultra experiences” (decline) started around 2011 (in base reality) and still go on where I live currently.

I guess nobody acknowledges it and I felt like my schizophrenia was induced, artificial, or abnormal or a fluke. I don’t know. I guess the ‘logical thing is I have schizophrenia and wasn’t in Mk ultra’ but personally I doubt it. I believe I was or was subjected to it. I felt like my life was in danger before and I’ve had schizophrenia develop trillions of times so far and even had it cured before in a past life, which I assume restarted after the universe rebooted or reset according to big bounce theory or something or the collapse of the universe into a singularity…

I don’t even know if this stuff is appropriate anymore. Thanks!


Pretty much where you left off last time you were here.

You could try getting in a state of mind helping others recover from delusions, thinking of ways to challenge that kind of thinking rather than dwelling on your delusions.


Thanks for the positive feedback. I really appreciate it.

You’re right. I do try and help others, but I can do more.


What is Dulce?
I also like your profile picture- are you into Python? I’m interested in learning it. I also recently bought TI-84 Plus CE calculator with Python in it and very excited to try using it.


Well, I read about it and have past life memories of being abducted by aliens and taken there for curing my schizophrenia, and other things. There’s allegedly little to no evidence of it being a Human and Alien underground base for alien abductees. I still get nightmares and have past life memories there. I have a genetic (past life) memories of being John Titor and other people. I guess being John Titor is impossible and crazier than saying I’m the creator of Bitcoin. I think Bitcoin pissed the aliens, Illuminati off the most, because of the technology and control factors. (I probably didn’t create it though TBH).

It’s not healthy for us to think about those things or even talk about them, really. I felt triggered many times in my life like seeing a rectangular UFO(s) above my house and black helicopters and hallucinations of aliens when I sleep and in my subconsciousness like grey aliens and Draco Reptilians and other aliens which may or may not be real. Personally, I think it’s real – the aliens.

I think they clone people there, do experiments on people there, and do mind control experiments, and create super soldiers there, I guess. Not sure what else they do besides doing medical experiments and other horrible experiments like transhumanism that are unethical and illegal. I think a lot of people that go there just end up going missing from society.

I used to not believe in God or wasn’t religious at all. I’m into conspiracy theories and probably get thought insertion, thought implants, or something like intrusive thoughts and rumination. I also hallucinate my dreams/nightmares now for years now.

I mainly have past life memories that aren’t real or are grandiose. I used to have panic attacks and stuff like that. I probably have trillions of past life memories, which overlap like a time loop. It never ends. It’s not real to others, but I’m also an alien abductee.

I don’t know what to believe. Maybe we live in a hologram, maybe not. I had the matrix delusion for the longest time and believed in many world’s theory of quantum mechanics, but only experience an infinite time loop now. Things start changing or divering for me around the time I reincarnated – 2011 or something. It feels like singularity or AI or aliens or God even. It’s like my soul came into my body from a satellite or outer space like butterfly effect or soul transfer or consciousness transfer and re-animated me. It’s possible I was cloned or been here EARLIER than 2011 like maybe 2007-2008 era, I don’t know, but I feel like I got dissociation and amnesia. It could be from schizophrenia for all I know…

I had inflated ego and delusions I joined the Illuminati (sold my soul) in a past life like an infinite amount of iterations or past lives ago. I was never in the Illuminati and it’s probably not real to others, but I believe in God and Jesus now. I thought it was a paradox or time paradox to be honest. Or even quantum superposition or quantum immortality which is impossible without alien technology or mind uploading.

I sometimes think it’s just eternal recurrence because I have gotten schizophrenia the same time and same way from every life, but my soul or consciousness or mind gets sent back in time and I relive my life without this awareness or knowledge of reincarnation or memories of it until I got shizophrenia, basically.

Hope that helps.

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I don’t know if others can but I can’t read that much text.

I got that your delusion is that you the inventor of bitcoin. That’s interesting. No one knows who he is.


Ya, I call them the computer simulators or computer programmers (Anunnaki). Thanks for the response and insight that means a lot to me.

Well, it’s not real to anyone I ever encountered (including here and online). I guess people think it’s a group of folks or a lone genius.

I guess I think Satoshi was a made up name or identity and I don’t have knowledge, memories, or proof or money or anything and nobody believes it in real life like my family, doctors, nurses, therapists, and former friends. I guess because I’m schizophrenic but I also believe it could be a spiritual thing for lack of a better word.

Some people think it’s the Illuminati, Rothschilds, or something or the government but why would the government do it? Makes no sense to me. But what do I know. I’m a nobody/commoner. It’ll probably end up being a conspiracy or unsolved mystery…

Do these thoughts bombard you everyday all day?

I have similar but different delusions, persucatory referential involving my work. It’s still persistent but much better now. It flares up and can take over and other times I have insight but its still a struggle in a different way cause it’s a battle.


I’m off to bed but, 1337 u a tech geek?

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I struggle every day pretty much but some days are better than others.

Schizophrenia is a 24/7 battle, I suppose.

If we are sticking to the facts, my parents blame my energy drink addiction. My parents are very spiritual and I am lukewarm I guess.

My doctors said I need to stop drinking energy drinks. It’s probably the culprit. The problem is I get stressed/triggered and I also believe I have zero and no energy to function. I sleep a lot sometimes like 10+ hours a day sometimes maybe more.

Even taking out the trash is tiresome. I want to be left alone, but being truly alone hurts too.

I enjoy computers that’s about it. I never had top of the line stuff – ever. My dream was to have an alienware computer growing up or custom computer, but that never happened. I did have a nice Apple laptop years back. I loved it.

I’m more of a nerd than a geek tbh.

I literally do nothing all day, but I enjoy talking. Nothing gets done with me.

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How would you characterize the difference between a nerd and a geek?
What does your daily routine look like? Have you tried switching from energy drinks to hot back tea (home-brewed, loose leaf)?


A geek would be someone more into trends and expensive things like Macs and fashion in my opinion. A nerd is more likely to be made fun of worse and a nerd might be more technically adept like in coding and linux and stuff. Just my 2 cents.


I agree with your definitions.
When you were a kid, would you consider yourself being one of those gifted “indigo children”?
Are you gonna try making black tea and try drinking it instead of energy drinks?

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I never qualified in the gifted program. Growing up I felt like I had ADD or maybe Asperger’s Syndrome, but didn’t get “diagnosed” until after I got sick. Then it became apparent I got schizophrenia instead.

Years later, I thought I was a star seed or had intuition, but struggled with empathy every day. I might have been a narcissist or something because of my father. But suffering with schizophrenia every day that feels like torture or hallucinating (tactile?) of being tortured at night or just feeling horrible overall got to me and made me more empathetic and sympathetic to others.

I was never diagnosed with NPD but it was brought up in therapy when I was in High School.

My disability was night and day. It started very abruptly and I was normal or high functioning before I got sick. Now, I am worried about being homeless some day or having a lifespan of 50 years max or something, which is depressing.

I have gray hair from genetics or stress and am obese too.

I used to drink tea and stuff but get anxious or anxiety and fidgety when I don’t have a Monster.

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LOL especially the part about dorks becoming obsessed to move into the nerd region because no one want to be a dork :rofl:

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If you get fidgety if you don’t have Monster that mean you’re trying to quit it cold turkey and trigger a withdrawal. As with anything in life, especially an addiction, things take time to fully develop. Just start by replacing one Monster drink maybe last one before sleep with a cup of tea instead and do it for awhile until you feel comfortable to try replacing two monster drinks with two cups of tea etc. and gradually you’ll be able to come off Monster it just might take many months to do so.

What other interests do you have aside computers? Are you into just programming or also know staff about cpu and ram and all those internal things as well?

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I’m not really into computers that much anymore. I was more into math for a while and physics and economics a bit like the weird stuff about economics. I used to read comics and stories about irrational people and stuff like that. I liked the aspects of behavioral economics like the very, very basics.

I know about the CPU and Ram but only as much as most folks. I never took computer science courses really. I tried coursera and edx but stopped.

I only finished some basic courses but I’m more into math than computers, I guess.

I might try eulers problems on line again, but can’t solve them online in python as python is pretty easy for most folks and I only know the basics. I tried R programming in college and got help in that.

I don’t know C, C++ or anything else besides a little basics of python. I have limited to no real skills. I know the basics of html and can probably relearn CSS and stuff. I tried codecademy but skipped through the tutorials.

I only finished mit’s python course but did the bare minimum and got a cert.

I stopped half way with harvard’s CS course, which seems to be top tier or the best and harder.

I tried Coursera’s computer science course but that was way, way too hard for me for the longest time.

I want to learn physics like mechanics before I get too old I guess or pass away some day.

I don’t know much about hardware at all and can just install ram (barely) and I have a SSD upgrade.

I probably couldn’t nor would want to update the CPU and other custom things. Those days are gone for me, plus it’s expensive.

I don’t know Java, Javascript, php, xhtml, or ruby or github, or databases like oracle or even access or excel (anymore), or another of the other dozen langues one must be familiar with to get a job in IT. I don’t know remote or automation at all.

I know once you master a couple languages and know computer science, it’s pretty much easy to pick up the other languages eventually in a day or two.

I heard functional programming is hard to learn and is where a lot of interesting stuff happens.

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I’m a dork definitely.
Except maybe my interest in this forum is becoming obsessive.