In an Episode

Woo. I tell you, until I get hit by an episode I get really wishy-washy about actually following through with treatment. Now I’m in one again due to the stress of that vacation and I am looking forward to that psych appointment.

Things have just been crazy. Every slight thing is immensely irritating to me and if it weren’t for my “helpers” (positive voices) I would have definitely hurt myself by now. (I did scratch myself a bit but it was nothing serious and I quickly stopped.) I’m seeing lights everywhere. When we checked into our hotel the other day I couldn’t stop staring at this painting because of how it was swirling and moving. But it wasn’t really, it was just how I saw it. Everything is so strange right now. I was zoning out in the shower and my whole body became engulfed in this pale pink light and at one point it completely covered my right hand! My hands almost looked claw-like.

Not to mention demon attacks have started up again. The devil won’t leave me alone and has been in my dreams and speaking to me again. The other night in one of my nightmares he told me that if I wished I could become one of his “daughters”…but I just want him to leave me alone. He showed up in my room today (I felt his presence) and I was so scared. I got caught in a thought trap (barraged by negative thoughts/feelings/etc) and couldn’t get out of bed for a couple hours. Then I got in the shower and all that weirdness with the lights happened.

I’m currently still dealing with the lights (not so bad) and intrusive thoughts (VERY bad). The intrusive thoughts don’t make any sense at all. For instance as I showered the phrase “My hands aren’t real and my bones aren’t real” kept repeating in my head over and over and over all sing-songy. My thoughts get all stuck in times like this like a broken record player so some weird thought or phrase will pop into my head and repeat and repeat and repeat. I was trying to get the devil out of my head but he told me he’d never leave and when I was shaking my head he was taunting me saying that wouldn’t work and it would only make him louder LOUDER LOUDER.

Basically things are just super crazy town right now. I have to keep reminding myself of these times during when I’m fine, because these episodes are the reasons why I need help.

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Im a bit crazy but that sounds entertaining. Certainly not viable though to live with that kind of ■■■■. I used to hear and see the devil in my dreams and a baphomet by my bedside one time. At one point during a dream I was face to face with the devil and I accepted jesus christ as my savior and since then he has left me alone. I hear the devils voice every time I smoke weed which hasnt been for months now but yeah, f schizophrenia I’m sorry you’re having an episode.

Bryan Ashley

Did you ever grow up in a Christian environment?

I’m just asking cuz this could have something to do with your voices being the devil or about it.

I used to be Christian, but when I pulled away from those ideas the voices couldn’t get me from that religious angle anymore and would try something else.

I respect your beliefs.

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I wondered something similar when I read this. I don’t know if I read it here, or elsewhere, but non-believers don’t have the “Religious componets” that affect so many others in an episode, generally speaking.

i totally believe that religious influence has that effect on someone with sz. it happened to me textbook - thought demons were attacking me thought i had to puke them up they would shake me violently for hours on the floor, screw with my head when trying to sleep, thought angels kept saving me, then jesus took over my body… , now that I stopped believing in those ideas all that went away.

You need to talk to a pdoc about what you are experiencing and try to find med’s that work for you. Having voices screaming at you is no way to live.

So sorry Anna! Hope you can find some time to relax and do something to nurture yourself out of this.

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I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I just came out of an episode and was discharged from the hospital Wednesday. I couldn’t even shower or change my clothes so at least you’re still somewhat functioning. Don’t get me wrong I’m not downplaying what you’re going through just saying it could be worse. My demon showed up. Aside from also feeling his presence, I can see him and communicate telepathically with him, not voices though. When I would go to bed at night it was like being in a fun house. The voices and visions were overtaking me. I took Haldol, Benedryl, Vistiril, and Klonopin PRNs to fall asleep. My point is it does get better. I’m doing awesome now. I got so much done today and feel positive, and drove myself to two of my appointments that were scheduled for today. Hang in there! What works for me aside from the right treatment is the distraction game and chanting. Having those coping skills in place help. And remember it’s not real! :sunny:


I can communicate with mine telepathically too. It’s been following me around non stop. It’s hard. During these times I drop down to a very basic level of functioning. I can’t really handle social interaction, and anything that requires a great deal of attention (such as class, studying, etc) becomes nearly impossible. I can bathe myself, get dressed and go through mechanical motions of the day and that’s about it. Most of the time I just end up trapped in bed.

Hopefully now that the trip is over my episode will wear down. It can take a bit. I just have to take it easy and hope the first week of classes isn’t too crazy.


I don’t know if I’d consider myself a Christian, but I am very spiritual and suppose I do have Christian elements in my own belief system. (As in I believe in a god and a devil and other entities, and that’s pretty much where my Christian-sounding beliefs end)

Either way, honestly some times it’s gotten so bad I’ve tried to force myself to stop believing in it. It doesn’t work because in my heart I still believe. Giving up belief isn’t a simple process. And anyways the voice that is God and all my other helpers have done nothing but, well, help me through my whole life. I often say I wouldn’t be alive today without them. I would be deeply sad to lose touch with them.

Oddly enough, I always believed in God and the Devil, but was not attacked by the devil until I actively began to choose God and become focused on improving my character/became self-aware. Now that I’m close to God and finally consider myself “on the good side” that’s when bad things started happening. So I’m not even sure if it’s an issue of belief.

I’m glad someone else knows what it is like to communicate telepathically with them. I asked my old pdoc once if that was the same as hearing voices and he said it was a hallucination. My hallucinations aren’t typical. Most people hear voices, but I have encountered other people on this forum that see things the way I do. Voices were always rare until this past year where I only hear them when I lay my head down. I hope this isn’t an evolution of my sz. Oh well, I’ll cross that bridge if I get to it.
I know what you mean about a very basic level of functioning. Sometimes before bed I can’t close the house up because there are just too many steps involved. I leave all the lights on, doors unlocked, and windows open and just go in my room and watch cartoons.
Yeah just take it easy. Don’t stress, for me stress is my worst enemy. Good luck with school! :sunny:

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