I KNOW this is me being stupid. I know I’ve been heading into an episode. But I just wanted to share my weird experiences today.
First off, lights have been flickering around me ALL DAY. So I guess I just happened to sit under a faulty light, every class. Secondly, I’ve been trying to break my telepathy fear, which is really stressful for me because I always think people can hear my thoughts so I try to control my thoughts all day and that’s just exhausting so I work all the time on breaking it by purposely thinking loudly. And I was really loud mentally today, aggressive, because I’ve been on edge lately, really aggravated. The gym made it go away a while but it’s back.
Anyhow I guess it started when I was in class and this guy a couple desks away wouldn’t stop bouncing his leg, and it was making an annoying sound. I was angrily thinking at him, speaking at him telepathically the same way I do my voices and he stopped. I figured it was a coincidence and relaxed. He started up again. And I snapped at him again mentally. I wasn’t looking at him, nothing. And he just stopped. And this happened like 5 TIMES I would think at him to stop it and as soon as I lost focus he’d start going again until I got tired and and gave up and then he stopped pausing and just bounced his leg the rest of the time. What the heck.
And then when I was on the bus it wasn’t moving and I was angry again and I did the same thing to the bus driver and the SECOND I thought it the bus drove away. Light above me kept flickering.
Then just now, was walking down the hallway-oh my god I want to slap my roommate right now I’m just so furious and she’s just trying to be playful and it’s not something that should irritate me but every time some one talks to me it bothers me and it’s just really bad I need to be alone-anyways was walking down the hallway and there were 3 girls walking towards me, and me being unnaturally pissed off started thinking terrible things at them, facial expression completely neutral because I detach inside from outside, and the girl walking in front just got this nervous expression and said “Oh uh we can’t go this way we have to go!” And she spun around and started walking away and the two girls with her were like “What did we go the wrong way??” And she just kept laughing nervously and they sped away. What. The. Heck.
This is all fake. My brain is just acting in a way that makes me find patterns out of nothing. But oh god it’s awful. And I’m so, so angry it hurts. I don’t understand anything right now. Episodes are TERRIBLE. AWFUL.
Yeah I can’t even go to the grocery store without some sort of seemingly telepathic ■■■■ going. They all tell me its not real. It doesn’t really seem possible on a physical level any ways.
The world wouldn’t function the way it does. It aint real that is safe to safe.
Keep fighting Anna. These are delusions. See reality the way you want to see it.
It’s positive symptoms and it covers pretty much what your saying! Your brain is processing the environment differently to most people. It’s not a curse. It’s not something magical. It’s just what it is…
Yeah. Been there and know how it is. Not much fun but the idea is you don’t stay there…that becomes the problem. Take your medications and it’ll improve…
Do a couple of searches for magical thinking and ideas of reference…and even then it probably don’t make much sense because it’s all too real…
Sucks dingoes balls … but welcome to schizophrenia!
Anna your feeling that you are going into an episodes maybe you can anticipate what will happen and what your are going to go through, tell your people close to you what they can do to make you feel better. If you need some alone time try to find time. Or schedule an appointment with your psychiatrist to find the meds that will help you.
I actually finally got hooked up with a new psychiatrist thanks to my therapist, so now I don’t have to go back to the pdoc who I found so offensive.
My appointment with the new one is next month. I plan on discussing medication then!
I’m doing better than I was especially since I’ve had alone time, my roommate is out this weekend. I’m not in the clear yet though, won’t be until my stressors are gone.
I was thinking of killing myself and my brother said “anyday now.” We were just sitting there and nothing else was being said at all.
Me, im not alone, i know this. They can know what im thinking and tell others, they can also perform many illusions making me think that someone is reading my mind. They have also suggested certain types of devices that can be used to read other’s minds.
Maybe he didn’t read your mind. Maybe he made the comment because he was waiting for you to break the silence between you and him. Or a million other possibilities besides magic.
This whole time I’ve just been wishing that when the brain realized something wasn’t necessary it would automatically stop doing it. But no it takes work and time to retrain yourself.