I'm so ashamed of my sexuality

I have always been. Ever since I was a teenager. Coming home after my first kiss at 14. Making out with my boyfriend at 20. Worried my mom would find out. Masturbating made me feel so dirty. Having sex would make me disgusted.

All my life I hated being a woman with a sex drive. I either had it and was ashamed or I didn’t and was glad. Maybe that’s why I like short hair - I don’t want to be attractive, even to my own husband.

Why do I feel like this? Anyone else feel like this?

Masturbating makes me feel guilty and ashamed because I do it while looking at porn. It’s because of the types of porn I’m into. Vaginal sex got boring to me really fast so I got into some gross stuff and bondage and femdoms. I don’t masturbate anymore because my meds take away all the pleasure.

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