Why does where you are in life depress you? You are in school and in good physical shape. You seem well rounded in some ways. You are equal with many people your age and ahead of most. The one thing that should cheer you up is your place in life.
But I understand the misery. And the ups and downs. I don’t want to minimize your obvious suffering. I read most of your posts with interest and I always hope for you to succeed. You take things to the extreme. You need to take it down a notch. I know that’s over-simplifying things but you need to know when to back off when you feel like pushing yourself to the limit. Schizophrenia is hard on the ego because you (or anyone with it) can be doing great and on top of the world on one day only to be dragged down when the symptoms return the next day.
Are you doing anything for fun these days? I don’t know if you count working out as fun. But I’ve had two or three therapists tell me that people with schizophrenia need to have fun. Yeah, it may sound weird but it’s common sense, you need to let your hair down and relax and do something that’s calming. You need to get away from the tight schedules and pressure and stress. Go swimming or bowling or to a movie or a play. Something. Anything…I hope you get better.
If it cheers you up, when I was your age (you’re 22, right?) I was locked up in a psychiatric hospital with a hundred other severely unbalanced (to put it VERY mildly) people of all ages. So you are way ahead of me when I was your age. Yeah, I know suffering. But I’ve done OK for myself. And I’m not doing too good now but I had a good dinner over my sisters house tonight. Watched a comedian on Netflix who cracked me up.
Anyway, you’re young, you can change some things. Get more help, reach out in real life.
Not to be trite, but no one said life would be easy. I wish you good luck.