Being newly diagnosed has presented itself with life altering concequences. I’m sorry for venting but I don’t have many people to confide my problems with, without bringing down the mood of my family and friends with my moaning.
I question my diagnosis because i don’t want to have schizophrenia. I want my old life back. I want my emotions, my enthusiasm of life and wonder. My passion is all gone. On new years eve i just couldn’t enjoy being in the moment with my friends. When they would joke with me I felt nothing. I feel like there’s nothing inside me. An emptiness and im not sure if its the illness, the bad reaction to the paliperidone in august, or the post psychosis depression (i was living under wild delusions and hallucinations for a year and a half which culminated into a massi e psychotic episode in June where i was wondering the streets of London for four days and threw myself infront of a car).
Ever since coming back from the mental hospital after my 3 month stay in september I am alive yes. But my music is gone, sense of humour dead, no love for creativity anymore, no absorption of vibes from listening to an album or watching a film, can’t feel the love for friends and family. Its all diminished. I feel no joy in anything anymore, Everything is dead. I look forwards to nothing because nothing cheers me up or makes me feel good. I want this all to be temporary but my biggest fear is that its something i have to wake up to every day. This is hell and i feel utterly hopeless, i just wish i had relief from this.
Im sorry you feel so bad. Nothingness is my best friend but i have become used to my diagnosis now. Mental illness is tough , real and severe for me. I don’t have any tips to how to get through it but i don’t have much choice
I am going through it myself but so much of what makes me, me is gone. Im like an more fragile, confused hard of hearing vegetable. I dont find things funny anymore, i used to find things so easily amusing, used to have so much passion and love for my music taste. I lived for albums and expressions of the human soul. But its all nothing now. I don’t know how i can go on like this for the rest of my life.
Yes on paliperidone injections since august (100mg) and sertralind/zoloft. Im currently titrating off the zoloft as i have a suspicion that my numbness might be added to by it. I hope that once im off the ad, music will sound lively again.
A lot of people on this forum talk about how they’ve gotten better over the years… You might be in a tough place but it’s possible things will change for you. I’m sorry your going through this horrible situation but really… Sometimes things change.
I think im just desperate at this point. I feel dettached from my memories as well. I cant reminisce on a good memory and feel good about it. Like remembering childhood or a moment between good friends. I feel nothing from them now. Its just horrible.
I feel so much frustration and despair that i hope things change very soon. Im inpatient, so much so.
Yea I’ve read something like that. I guess there’s always hope … It’s been 7 years for me and I got better once for about a year… hoping that happens again. How do u cope btw ?
Yep rule of thirds gives some hope. Its difficult to know what to say because meds have their drawbacks and can increase negative symptoms but also they can help immensely.
Sorry for late reply i didn’t realise you asked me how i cope.
I feel numb always and the meds have impacted my weight for the last 12 years but im on a better med so my weight has stabilised. I cope very badly and need hubby to take care of me emotionally, meds cleaning etc i rely on him loads. I struggle with thoughts and paranoia and anxiety, schizophrenia. I have personality disorder as well and agoraphobia.
Wow… Your problems sound really similar to my issue… Im starting to see how much meds can help too. For the first time I think I’m on pills that actually work without huge side effects… I too cope pretty badly… But like you my support system makes a huge difference… It really sucks that people who’ve done nothing wrong in the world (unlike myself) have to suffer these horrible illness. I really hope they find a magic bullet cure one day!!! Until then I guess we have to get through it the best we can
Things can and will get better, but not as fast as we want. It took us a while to get this sick and it will take us time and work to get better. A lot of both.
This post reminds me a lot of how I felt in the beginning. I had a prodromal phase starting at 16 and had my 21st birthday in the hospital where I finally got treatment. I too was on invega and stayed on it for 14 years. I now take perphenazine and feel way better. But I relate to what you’re talking about. Over time I felt things changing a bit. I kinda got used to schizophrenia to a degree and found ways to enjoy life even with this illness. I live my little life now and feel pretty good about it. I don’t worry so much about all the things I probably missed out on or don’t get to experience. It’s fine. If there is a local day program you can go to I found that those gave me a lot of help feeling connected to other people and finding friends. Schizophrenia is a big change. Maybe it takes time to navigate that. You can still find a meaningful type of existence.
Sounds like you have anhedonia. Loss of pleasure. Ive been experiencing anhedonia for over thirty years, what helps me is going for a walk or watching bloopers from funny TV shows. Hopefully you get back your zeal. I hope all goes well with you.
I dont want to get used to this numbness. I want to go back to feeling things again, and actually enjoying things again. I have no joy at all. My true self is the opposite of this numnbness, I want that part of me back.
The thing is I vividly remember feeling lile myself when i was still psychotic during the first month and a bit in hospital. I was friendlier and could still enjoy music emotionally. But since i was put on paliperidone (invega) I’ve been utterly numb to myself.
