I had my exam on Tuesday, I got through it, voices were he’ll a few points through but I’d just take my pills or place ginger rub on my head (it heats up real quick and grounded me) so I handled it well. But the fallout is hell. I’ve been going places more often I don’t know where I go but I’m sure in that moment… I become the universe, all dimensions at once. I’m seeing shadow people which means I’m on the threshold of this dimension. Wednesday I was a walking zombie I could barely stand for 10 minutes. Thursday I felt a bit better. Yesterday I was a mess, very vulnerable, having thoughts of suicide and dante’s inferno put in my head, the people in town were stabbing my brain, I want to self harm badly.
I’ve told snippets to the people around me but not the most important bits, I don’t want them fretting over me, I just want to be left alone but not be alone at the same time.
I saw my nurse but I wasn’t too co-operative, don’t know why. I asked quite desperately if we could challenge the big thoughts that have stayed with me since the beginning he said to try challenging it by myself first but I’m so bad at cbt by myself I’m useless at getting against evidence particularly when these thoughts are so close to me and have ruled me all these years.
My head an experiences these past few days are making it more real I’m not up to being skeptical of what could be very real signs of something bigger! This could be the evidence I’ve been waiting for!
All these years I’ve been search ing for the answer, maybe my time has come!
I’m so jumbled and confused at the moment, I just want to sleep for a few weeks. Yet each night I’m transported. I actually don’t know if I’m being transported or if I’ve developed the power I need to accomplish my long time mission. I just want to be held, I don’t feel safe and I feel like I’m carrying the world again.
Sorry I didn’t reply to my last post, I did receive the replies and read them… I just didn’t have the energy to reply but they meant a lot. I don’t know what I’m expecting from the post I just needed it out and some understanding. Take care,
Meg.
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thanks for posting, it takes a lot of guts to post here with a mental illness, i had a hard time doing it before with paranoia and things but i managed to conquer it somehow,
you sound like you are having a lot of symptoms by what you have wrote but it sounds like you have been doing a lot of things as well, i was wondering what exams you were doing and what it was for.
with the symptoms it must be very hard doing anything but it sounds like you are a fighter so keep going with that.
your doc/nurse usually knows what they are doing and how best to help and i know that they try and give us some time to try and work it out ourselves, the right med(s) are essential tho so i hope you are still taking them regular and that they are helping, hope this helps x
Please be kind to yourself.
You were very worried about this exam and it sounded triggering. But it sounded like you went in with a plan on how to keep grounded and get through this hard task. Very cool. 
Not an easy thing to do, and you did it. I like the idea of the ginger. I will be storing that advice and using it soon.
I’m sorry the nurse wasn’t more receptive. Maybe he saw you as being able to take on the bigger thoughts. I’d say… relax, and give yourself some time to decompress. You have been battling this for a while. Getting ready, studying, trying to keep calm through all this. It’s not easy.
My sisters exam panic has been getting progressively worse. When she is finished with an exam, she’s not jumping around happy and relieved. She’s curled up in bed second guessing herself. She has even been scheduling her days off to be the day after exams so the day after an exam she can stay in bed and not have to teach or guard. Or she will go surfing with me… to get out in to the water and decompress.
I have a feeling that this exam did some triggering and I bet you feel very drained. Due to that, the symptoms are amping up. Ask a family member to give you a big hug because you feel shredded and exhausted… I’d say, ask for help with the day to day for now. It’s hard to admit needing help. But your not alone. My sis is not Sz and exam’s do her in.
Even if you can’t tell your family about what your really feeling and experiencing, at least let them know that the exam stress has drained you more then you expected and you need a little help for now.
Even if families can’t understand Sz, they can understand exam stress. I’m rooting for you and I hope you will be patient and kind to your self. Tell people you need some time to decompress and unwind after all that stress.
As always… I am rooting for you to feel better.
Hang tough-and here is a hug for you
Thanks everyone, it was a psychology exam for a degree but I’m changing degree path to do more art based modules. I’m feeling calmer slowly, still getting weird experiences and seeing shadows but as I’ve mostly slept for two days I think that’s helped get my rational hat on a little firmer although I’m in and out a lot. I think next year with my exam I’ll make sure I’ll have a few days off like you suggest @SurprisedJ (by the way, wishing your sister luck, when are her exams?) as I had two early mornings after my exam and something on everyday by Friday I was stuck, I appreciate the thoughtful replies.
I talked to mum about the cbt issue, she’s going to let me do most of the work but offer her opinion on evidence against as that’s what I struggle with. These thoughts are so close to my heart in a twisted way but they keep rearing their ugly head and taking over my life when I get too stressed, they may never go away completely but I’d like to have a bit more control.
Also thank you for the hug!
Thanks again, take care,
Meg.
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Our exam’s are this coming up week. Poor kid has already been having a hard time. Final projects just got finished. I’m feeing OK with mine. I’m only taking two classes. Math and biology intro. My sis is taking 4 classes.
Wow! I’m glad I finished multiple classes years ago, I’m glad you’re feeling okay about yours; wishing you both the best of luck. Just think before you know it,it will be over and you’ll have the summer to enjoy 
!
Take care,
Meg.
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Thank’s for that. My sis and I are going to take summer classes. We both decided to do just two electives on-line. It’s almost time to register again.
Ah cool! What are you thinking of signing up for? I’ve got my first summer holiday since starting my degree three years ago so I’m looking forward to having a rest before starting all over again I September but I’ll be doing plenty of reading for my next module as I’m starting arts courses and need to get my head out of the science zone, I don’t think it’ll be that hard considering Ive always been close to the arts and was very good at it in school, but that was six years ago. I just need to know how to write my essays :)!
I’m glad your getting some time off.
I’m going for a writing class and either get the civics out of the way or do something fun like into to business
My sis hasn’t told me what she’s thinking yet. But our summers are so chaotic for her to take anything too heavy. She was leaning towards getting her foreign language out of the way. In our state ASL (american sign language) counts. Since she does know it bit and does use it when working with the kids from the hospital who come to the pool, I have a feeling she’s leaning towards that.
I think you’d be ace at a writing class or whatever you lean towards!
Same for your sis really, she sounds like a high flyer! I think it’s good you’re both doing classes, keep a routine going and the mind active!
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My sis and my youngest brother know sign. No one in our family is deaf. We always wondered how they learned it… One of the kid shows they used to watch all the time had a lady doing sign language in the corner of the screen.
Then they would sign language to each other when they didn’t want anyone else to know what mischief they were planning. Due to my kidnapper training… they also know brail.
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