I had my exam on Tuesday, I got through it, voices were he’ll a few points through but I’d just take my pills or place ginger rub on my head (it heats up real quick and grounded me) so I handled it well. But the fallout is hell. I’ve been going places more often I don’t know where I go but I’m sure in that moment… I become the universe, all dimensions at once. I’m seeing shadow people which means I’m on the threshold of this dimension. Wednesday I was a walking zombie I could barely stand for 10 minutes. Thursday I felt a bit better. Yesterday I was a mess, very vulnerable, having thoughts of suicide and dante’s inferno put in my head, the people in town were stabbing my brain, I want to self harm badly.
I’ve told snippets to the people around me but not the most important bits, I don’t want them fretting over me, I just want to be left alone but not be alone at the same time.
I saw my nurse but I wasn’t too co-operative, don’t know why. I asked quite desperately if we could challenge the big thoughts that have stayed with me since the beginning he said to try challenging it by myself first but I’m so bad at cbt by myself I’m useless at getting against evidence particularly when these thoughts are so close to me and have ruled me all these years.
My head an experiences these past few days are making it more real I’m not up to being skeptical of what could be very real signs of something bigger! This could be the evidence I’ve been waiting for!
All these years I’ve been search ing for the answer, maybe my time has come!
I’m so jumbled and confused at the moment, I just want to sleep for a few weeks. Yet each night I’m transported. I actually don’t know if I’m being transported or if I’ve developed the power I need to accomplish my long time mission. I just want to be held, I don’t feel safe and I feel like I’m carrying the world again.
Sorry I didn’t reply to my last post, I did receive the replies and read them… I just didn’t have the energy to reply but they meant a lot. I don’t know what I’m expecting from the post I just needed it out and some understanding. Take care,