My mum came home safely yesterday, however she’s been in a bad mood ever since and the loneliness and fear are still here. She had to go out today and my heart just sank. I know she’s not supposed to be here all the time and generally I’m okay being on my own but my main concern is something is going to happen, I’m getting obsessive over what might happen. I don’t feel safe going outside so when my mum goes out I don’t think it’s safe for her either. I have an exam on Tuesday and am wondering if this is contributing. I’m on the verge of collapse, I know once it’s over things are going to cave. I’m going to be on a high when it’s over then I will crash. I don’t know how to prevent the crash. Voices a doing back ground noise, shouting occasionally at one point I was alone the other night and it was like a crowd was in the house with me, I don’t really get that very often. I only picked out snip its.
I’m still getting disorientated at night and when I close my eyes; I’m being transported away, I’m sure of it, maybe I’m slowly dying.
I terrified of revision, I panic every time I have to do it. Yesterday I got a result for my last essay, it was my lowest score in my entire three years at uni he didn’t give much comment as to why it was so low, other than it didn’t provide evidence he wanted and that it didn’t make much sense, I was distraught, he gave me that mark a few days before the exam, I immediately shut down.
The forces are against me, I’m not going to make it out of this alive, or I will but they’ll take my mum and then I’ll die. I’m so fluctuating between realities, not wanting to be left alone is part of it. Right now there’s a spy with an infrared camera across the road, threatening me and putting thoughts in my head, violent thoughts of what they’ll do.
I terrified, I don’t give a damn about anything but I’m fighting to do revsion I just need this exam out of the way otherwise I’ll have to retake it and I don’t want to do it any material from this module ever again.
How do I get through the next few days? Any grounding tips will be appreciated… Breathing… Anything that helps you stay out of your head that bit longer? How do I stop the pounding in my chest?
Just anything, thank you for reading, take care,